


Becoming

by Ava_now



Series: The Barden Collection [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Assault, Case Fic, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-01-13 02:39:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 57,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: The sequel to Who We Are--Rafael and Vanessa are back in Manhattan, trying to adjust to a new normal.  Faced with new job positions and changing expectations both professionally and personally, will they struggle to maintain what they have and build upon it, or will it all fall apart?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, the simple version is I just decided I'm not done with these two yet!
> 
> Trying my hand at case fic. If it sucks, I apologize; hopefully I'll get better as I go!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading, and your kudos and comments are SO appreciated!

God, it had been a long day.

 

It was nearly ten and he was just now getting home.  Vanessa had texted him three hours ago, saying she was heading home and she’d see him soon.  He had promised he’d be on his way in a bit.

 

Then Liv had stopped by and they started talking about a case he was prosecuting, a true shitshow, and decided to commiserate over a couple drinks at Forlini’s, and the next thing he knew he was tipsily answering his girlfriend’s text asking where in the hell he was.

 

Fortunately, he realized _Having multiple drinks with the woman I wanted before you_ probably wasn’t the best answer to that question, so he had simply responded, “Planning strategy--be home soon.”

 

That was an hour ago.

 

Tossing his jacket and briefcase on the recliner, he noted that the apartment seemed initially quiet.  There was a small light on in the living area and the stove light was on in the kitchen. Everything was tidy.  It was as if she had never come home. Except he knew better. He knew she was here. Probably in bed, seething at him, either waiting to toss a shoe at his head or masturbating alone to make him realize what he missed.  He headed toward the bedroom, loosening his tie on the way.

 

He was just about to pass the guest room when he heard the sound of a fist connecting to something, and for a second his heart jumped in his throat and he was back on the courthouse steps, feeling her body slumping heavily against his after absorbing a bullet.

 

Taking a breath, he swung the door open, and her foot came within inches of connecting with his face before kicking the bag a couple feet from the door.  “What the hell?” he said, eyes wide, as she bent down and caught her breath.

 

“Oh, hey,” she said, hands on her knees and taking deep gulps of air.  “Just trying to get some energy out.”

 

He stood in the doorway, crossing his arms and smirking.  “Really,” he drawled, “I can help with that, you know.”

 

She pulled up.  “Well, you could have, but seeing as you were busy drinking at Forlini’s with Liv for the last two hours, I decided to try something new.”  She smiled, grinned actually, before kicking the bag once more. “I think I like it.”

 

Mouth agape, he asked, “Did you GPS my ass or something?”

 

She laughed.  “Yeah. It’s called Carisi.  You’re not the only one he texts, you know.”  Pulling back, she landed another kick square in the bag, before turning to him.  “It’s okay. I think I’m done for the night now.”

 

“You’re all...sweaty,” he noted, licking his lips.

 

She rolled her eyes.  “You’re such a lech.” Pushing him gently on the chest, she nodded toward the bedroom.  “Come on, you old drunk. If you’re nice, I’ll let you help me get clean.”

 

He cupped her ass through her workout gear.  “Nope. I’m only good at the dirty stuff.”

 

“I know,” she replied, taking his hand, “why do you think I keep you around?”

 

**************************************************

Olivia knocked on the office door.  “Hey, you got a minute?”

 

Vanessa looked up and set her paperwork down.  “Sure. What’s up?”

 

“We have a case.  A little girl, nine years old.  I was hoping you might be willing to take a look.”

 

“Sure.”  Vanessa sat back in her chair as Olivia sat across from her at the desk.  “Do you know the nature of the assault?”

 

“Well,” Olivia said hesitantly, “that’s the thing.  We’re not sure exactly if she was assaulted, although she presents as a molestation victim.”  Olivia smoothed her trousers with her hands. “She actually assaulted her foster father.”

 

“Liv.”  Vanessa’s eyebrow shot up.  “You know I’m here for victim advocacy and support services…”

 

“Here’s the thing.”  Liv leaned closer, crossed her arms across the desk.  “She stabbed him with a pair of pinking shears. In the lower abdomen and the inner thigh.  Barely missed his femoral artery.”

 

Vanessa tapped her pen on the desk.  “What does she say about it?”

 

“That’s the other thing.  She’s not saying anything.  Selective mutism, the doctor says.  She hasn’t spoken since she landed in foster care.”  Tilting her head, Liv added, “Landed there nearly a year ago after her mother supposedly OD’d.  Before that, to hear the school tell it, she was a decently functioning, speaking child.”

 

Vanessa was playing with her hair, twisting it around her finger like she tended to do when she was thinking.  Liv knew her tell, knew she had her before she spoke. “That’s a strange flip for a junkie’s kid. You’d think her situation would have improved, or at least not gotten worse, in foster care.”

 

“So you’ll take a look?”

 

“I guess.”  Narrowing her eyes, she asked, “What is Stone planning to do with this one?  Send her to Corporation Counsel?”

 

Liv snorted.  “Between you, me, and the door, Stone could give a shit about this kid.  Corporation Counsel will send their new ADA to figure this one out--”

 

“And you don’t think there’s a conflict of interest here, with me?”

 

“Hey, the new ADA isn’t Pippa Cox.  Besides, I already cleared it with Whitnauer.”  Liv smiled sweetly. “He thinks it’s a great way to get you back in the swing of things.”

 

“Fantastic,” Vanessa responded drily.  “Send me the file and let’s schedule her for an interview tomorrow.”

 

Liv winked at her.  “You bet.” Heading out the door, she stopped and turned around.  “Oh! Almost forgot to tell you...welcome back.”

 

********************************************************

“Mr. Barba,” Carmen entered his office, handing him a piece of paper, “I went ahead and printed out your schedule for the week.  I know it’s normally on the computer but there was an issue here with the servers the other day--”

 

“It’s fine,” he reassured her, taking the paper from her hand.  Glancing at it, he asked, “What here should I be afraid of?”

 

She smiled knowingly.  “Anything with Mr. DeAngelo is going to be a headache, as will Mr. Buchanon.  Nothing much has changed on that end, whether they’re defending rapists or murderers.  At least in homicide everything is a little more cut and dried, at least that’s what I've heard through the grapevine.”

 

‘You know,” he began, “I truly appreciate you being willing to transfer back to me, even if it’s a different division.  But if you wanted to stay with Mr. Stone--”

 

“I’m happy where I am,” she interrupted him, crossing her arms and cocking a hip.  “Unless, of course, you’d rather work with someone else.”

 

“Oh God no.”  The words came out quickly and more forcefully than he meant for them to, and they both laughed nervously.  “Carmen, actually, I’m just so glad to have a friendly face around. I probably didn’t appreciate you as much as I should have before, but please know I have always respected your work.”

 

She held up a hand.  “Please stop, before we both feel so awkward that I have to do something painful, like return to Stone’s office.”

 

He nodded once.  “Fair enough.”

 

“Good.  If you need anything else, I’m right outside, researching cases, setting your schedule, making coffee...you know the drill.”  She started to head out the door, then turned around once more. “One more thing…” She smiled. “I’m really glad you’re still alive.”

 

“Yeah,” he chuckled.  “Me too.”

 

*****************************************************

He was lying on the bed in his undershirt and boxer briefs--the black ones--when she found him in the bedroom.

 

“Hey, how was homicide?”  She immediately yanked off her blouse, bra immediately following.  He watched her as she unzipped her jeans and stepped out of them, then kicked off her boots and her socks.

 

“Fine, I guess.  Quiet.” He put his elbow on the bed and rested his head in his hand as he watched her grab a tee shirt.  “That’s not necessary, you know. And when did you become this whirling dirvish with your stuff everywhere?  We’ve lived together for a year and you were never like this before.”

 

She shot him a glare, then yanked the shirt over her head.  “I just needed to get them off,” she said, then leaned down to pick up the clothes.  Halfway through she sank into a chair, then looked at him. “You know, if you want to go back to SVU I can put in for a transfer.  Then there’s no concerns about conflict of interest.”

 

He sat up on the edge of the bed.  “Hey,” he soothed, “we’ve talked about this.  If you want to stay in a position at SVU then I needed to move.  Besides, McCoy made it clear that moving me to homicide was easier than moving Stone.”

 

“That’s fucking ridiculous,” she told him.  “You know your way around a sexual assault case.  Stone’s a fish dead in the water. No clue. The case I got today--” she shook her head.  She hadn’t wanted to open up a conversation about working with Corporation Counsel again, especially so soon.  They rarely talked about Pippa Cox, but she knew he had had nightmares, and that Pippa’s betrayal was never far from his mind.  And her gut told her Rafael was not going to be very happy at the thought of her being involved with a child being prosecuted on her first case back.

“Whether it’s ridiculous or not, it’s what McCoy wants right now, and I’m okay with it.  C’mere.” And like so many times before, she made her way to him and he pulled her into his lap.  She nuzzled close to him, feeling the warmth of his breath and his skin, and as she ran her hands over his chest, his heartbeat softly thumping under her fingers.  “I love you, bebita.” He pressed a kiss to her temple. “I haven’t told you that tonight. I love you, and I’m not worried in the slightest if you come in here and rip your clothes off and leave them everywhere.  Eventually you’ll either pick them up to wash them or run out, and then I get to see you naked all the time.”

 

She snorted.  “You’re ridiculous and you always make me feel better.”  Pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, she whispered, “I love you, baby.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liv opened the door to the playroom, revealing a young girl who looked small for nine years. The child was balled up, sitting on the floor in the corner. While her head didn’t move, Vanessa noticed her eyes relentlessly tracked both her and Liv’s movements. The child was clearly hypervigilant and probably had been for some time. Building trust was going to be difficult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So life is a little busy these days, but I will work on this as regularly as I can. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING--disclosure of child rape
> 
> Please take a moment and leave me a comment when you can--I absolutely love hearing your thoughts!

Since they had been back, they had picked up the habit of walking in to work together.  Vanessa’s apartment was only a few blocks from the courthouse, so they often took the walk in the morning and chatted about their upcoming day.  Approaching the coffee cart in front of the courthouse, Rafael ordered for both of them.

 

As she sipped her cup, Vanessa suddenly grinned.  “Do you ever find yourself thinking how much the average cup of coffee sucks around here?”

 

He snorted.  “I can’t get it out of my head.  I almost wish we’d had the opportunity to steal a roaster.”

 

Now she laughed.  “That’s...a unique wish.  And here I just wanted a porch swing.”

 

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her ear.  “You’ll get your swing. I promise. Just give me a little time to get acclimated again.”  Pulling back, he winked at her. “Have a good day, and don’t stay out too late. Make good choices.”  And with that, he headed up the steps of the courthouse.

 

Vanessa walked the last two blocks to the precinct alone,mentaly reviewing her schedule.  She had an interview with a nine-year old child who had nearly killed her foster father, and the thought left a bitter taste in her mouth.  She knew that people--even children--usually had motives behind their behaviors, whether they were aware of the motives or not. How she was going to figure out what drove a mute child to stab a grown man was going to be tricky at best.

 

Liv hadn’t held back and had already told her she thought the girl had been abused, and it certainly sounded as though that was a possibility. However, it could be just as likely that the mutism had been caused by the tragedy of the death of the child’s mother.  Vanessa shook her head at the thought of unscrambling the motivation of a child this young. From the little bit she had gleaned in her conversation with Liv as well as the girl’s file, there were any number of reasons the child had stopped talking.

 

Entering the 16th precinct, she took the elevator up to SVU’s offices and headed to her own.  She found the child’s file on top of her desk, and sat down to review it. If she had any chance of getting through to this kid, she was going to need to be prepared.

 

************************************************

Liv opened the door to the playroom, revealing a young girl who looked small for nine years.  The child was balled up, sitting on the floor in the corner. While her head didn’t move, Vanessa noticed her eyes relentlessly tracked both her and Liv’s movements.  The child was clearly hypervigilant and probably had been for some time. Building trust was going to be difficult. 

 

“Lola,” Liv began gently, “this is my friend Vanessa.  She likes to talk with and play with children. She’s going to stay in here with you for a little while.”  Facing Vanessa, she said, “I’ll be outside if you need me.” Vanessa nodded and watched Benson excuse herself from the playroom.

 

Scanning the room, Vanessa picked up a handful of blank paper and a couple packs of markers.  She then sat down on the floor, parallel to the little girl, and spread out the paper. After choosing a piece,  Vanessa picked up a marker and began to color.

 

She could feel Lola’s eyes on her, watching her carefully.  Neither of them said a word.

 

After several minutes, Vanessa handed the marker she was holding to Lola, but didn’t make eye contact.  For a long minute they sat there silently, the marker extended without reception. Then, suddenly, she felt it snatched from her hand.  She let out a quiet breath when the little girl took one of the pieces of paper and began to draw.

 

Noting that the yellow marker was closest to Lola and too far for herself to reach, Vanessa quietly murmured to herself, “Yellow...yellow...I like yellow.”

 

Lola’s eyes shifted narrowly to Vanessa’s form on the floor, but she didn’t pick up the yellow marker.  After a moment, Vanessa picked up a blue one and began to use it. They colored in silence, sitting next to each other, for the next forty minutes.

 

************************************************

“What the hell is she doing in there?” Stone asked quizzically.  “Giving art lessons?”

 

Benson bit her retort back and answered calmly.  “She’s building rapport. Trust. If we want this little girl to talk to us, then she needs to trust at least one of us.”  Looking at him directly, she continued, “Vanessa is good at what she does. I have no doubt that if anyone can get Lola talking about what happened, it’ll be her.”

 

Stone shook his head and cocked it to one side.  “Doesn’t matter. She goes to Corporation Counsel tomorrow.  They’re going to charge her with assault and she’ll be in either juvenile detention or a group home.”  Leaning down, he picked up his briefcase. “If she happens to tell you anything that needs to cross my desk, please make sure you have more than just her word.  She’s nine.” With that, he left the room.

 

As difficult as it had been losing Rafael’s friendship all those long months ago, Stone had made it even more painful.  His lack of experience partnered with his difficulty experiencing empathy for victims made for a challenging work relationship.  Liv had often reflected on how much she had relied on Barba’s feedback, his legal advice, his understanding of human nature. Stone reminded her in some ways of the Rafael Barba who started at SVU and cared more about his wins than his victims.  Barba had grown into an incredible prosecutor and advocate; Liv didn’t hold the same hope for Stone.

 

Sighing, she watched for one last minute as Vanessa and Lola continued to color silently, and wondered if she was sending Vanessa on a fool’s errand.

 

***************************************************

Two days later, it happened.

 

They were sitting on the floor in their usual positions, markers between them.  Vanessa was drawing trees. Purple, pink, red, and yellow trees. Bright colors that matched the colors Lola was using in her picture.  Today, Lola was drawing a garden.

 

Suddenly Vanessa felt something poke her in the arm.  It was the brown marker. Lola’s eyes met hers and she said quietly, “For your trees.”

 

Vanessa nodded slowly, accepting the marker, then handing over a green one.  “For your bushes,” she replied.

 

******************************************************

Rafael had settled three plea deals this week alone.  If he kept this up, he thought, they’d name a jail wing for him.

 

Homicide was its own animal and a far cry from SVU.  Sonny had once told him that most cops preferred a dead victim to a live one, and he could certainly understand the sentiment.  Witnesses and survivors are sometimes inaccurate, change stories, exclude or make things up. The dead don’t have those luxuries.

 

Back then, Sonny had been a confidante, a friend, a lover.  He was new to SVU and struggling to balance law school and work, and Rafael had taken pity on him.  Three pity study sessions and several shots of whiskey later, they had found themselves pounding it out in his bed, and somehow it had become a habit over the next year.  He supposed friends with benefits was the popular term, but there were some days he wasn’t sure if he and Sonny were even friends. Sonny had known Rafael was carrying a torch for Olivia, even if they never spoke of it.  Their time together usually consisted of law books and blow jobs, with the occasional fuck in between. It had been a difficult time in the wake of his abuelita’s death, and Sonny was struggling to pass the bar, and it had worked while they had needed it to.

 

But when the death threats came to light and Sonny realized that Rafael hadn’t shared a bit of that information with him, Sonny had broken it off.  Rafael had always thought they had been casual, but even he couldn’t miss the look of hurt in Sonny’s eyes. Sonny had assumed Rafael trusted him. And Rafael had assumed Sonny had known better than to want more than sex.

 

He had never mentioned any of it to Vanessa.  With the exception of Bobby and Rafael’s one-time fixation on Liv, they had never discussed previous lovers.  She was aware that he was bisexual, but sometimes he wondered how she would react if she knew that he had slept with Sonny for the better part of a year.

 

There were times--many times, actually--that he missed the tightness and cohesion of the SVU squad.  Carisi had always given him thoughtful insights, and it was difficult to trudge through the mire with a random group of new (to him) detectives and unis.  Twice already he had almost picked up his phone to call Carisi and ask his opinion on facts for cases, and twice he had put the phone back down before dialing.  As much as he wanted Carisi’s help, he didn’t want to send any mixed signals or, God forbid, have to explain that time in his life to Vanessa prematurely. So instead of bouncing ideas off of somebody else, he reviewed files and case notes with more attention than ever.  He was anxious to get back into a courtroom, and wondered how much longer it would be before McCoy threw him one that didn’t plead out.

 

************************************************

“Fuck yes, right there.  Like that.”

 

She had a leg wrapped around his waist as he fucked her against the bedroom door.  He’d persuaded her to hold onto the clothing hook hanging from the top of the door, and she had stretched out beautifully before him.  “I’d cuff you like this if you’d let me,” he had teased, then watched in awe as she had held out her wrists.

 

“Just don’t lose the keys.”

 

Now he had one hand tangled in her hair, another supporting her thigh, as he thrust hard and quick, deep inside her.  She was moaning nonstop, and it was all he could do not to join her. Instead he sucked a nipple into his mouth and thrust harder.

 

“Christ, Rafa,” she was panting, “so close...please baby.”

 

Both of his hands gripped her hips then and she wrapped her legs around him.  He was completely lost in the sensation, the pleasure of being gripped inside her heat.  As her ass hit the back of the door rhythmically, he nipped her ear. “Come. Come on. Come for me, Vanessa.  Let me watch you when you come. So fucking hot.”

 

She was gripping the clothes rack on the door and he caught a nipple one more time, tugging with his teeth, and with a cry she careened over.  He was right behind her, powerless to hold out for any more. She was going to be the death of him, he was sure., and he would never want to die any other way.

 

As they lay in bed after, him massaging lotion into her wrists while she gave him soft butterfly kisses, he contemplated bringing up Carisi.  Then she murmured that she loved him, that he was precious and perfect for her, and he pushed the thought away. 

 

They had time.  They had all the time in the world.

 

****************************************

“You’re a very good artist,” Vanessa remarked to Lola.  They were sitting at a table in the playroom, drawing again.  Lola was growing increasingly comfortable with speaking to Vanessa, but stopped talking immediately upon anyone else’s appearance.  Now the little girl stopped coloring and leaned back, examining her work. “I like to color,” she said thoughtfully.

 

“Me too.”  Vanessa picked up a different marker and began to start on drawing a flower.  “Did you ever color with Shae or Lionel when you lived with them?”

 

Lola shook her head.  “Shae don’t like to color.”  

 

“What about Lionel?”

 

Vanessa could sense the tightness taking over the little girl’s body.  Lionel had been Lola’s foster father, and Shae was his wife. After a minute, Lola said, “Lionel don’t color either.”

 

“Hmm.”  She swapped out markers again and started on yet another flower.  “You know, Lola, sometimes I wonder why you hurt Lionel. You must have been very scared.”

 

Lola’s marker slowed to a near stop for a moment, then sped up quickly.  “He putted his hand on my hair.”

 

Vanessa glanced at the little girl’s face, which was still focused on the paper in front of her.  “And you don’t like that,” she concluded. “What happens when Lionel puts his hands in your hair?”

 

The marker came to a stop.  “Nothin.” Slowly her eyes rose to meet Vanessa’s.  “That’s why I cutted him. So he couldn’t do nothin.”

 

“I see.”  Vanessa picked up a few markers and held them out to Lola.  “Blue?”

 

Lola nodded and took it from Vanessa, beginning to add clouds to her sky.

 

Vanessa felt the adrenaline running through her, through her gut.  “Hey Lola, has anyone else put their hands in your hair before?”

 

Lola’s eyes met Vanessa’s, and she swore she could see a chasm in the child’s soul.

 

“My daddy,” she whispered.  “My daddy putted his hands in my hair all the time.”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “Was it scary?”

 

“Sometimes, cause then he put his thing inside of me and it hurted.  A lot.”

 

Keeping her composure, Vanessa watched Lola’s face carefully.  “I bet it did. Did your daddy do that a lot?”

 

The little girl nodded again, then put down her crayon and picked up one more.  “He did until I told my momma.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Mm-hmm.  My momma told him to stop putting it in me and then they got into a big, big fight.  And then my momma died from the drugs.” She looked up to Vanessa’s face, seemingly gauging her reaction.  “Did Lionel get dead?”

 

Vanessa shook her head.  “No, honey. Lionel is okay.  You hurt him though, and we need to make sure you don’t hurt him again.”

 

“I don’t want him to put his hand on my hair.  Or put his thing there.” Looking worriedly at Vanessa, she asked, “Do I gotta go back with Lionel?”

 

Vanessa shook her head gently.  “No. We’ll make sure you live somewhere that nobody touches your hair or puts anything inside you.”

 

Lola regarded her skeptically.  “Promise?”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “I do.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa had cocked a hip to one side, hand resting on it and elbow out. “You know, if you would have stayed for that interview yesterday, you would know and would have heard from her--in childspeak--the reason she stabbed him. She thought he was going to rape her.”
> 
> He was tapping his foot. She wanted to step on it.
> 
> “There are highly extenuating circumstances here. I want you to encourage the new prosecutor to drop the charges.”
> 
> Stone snorted. “Really? You think that would go over well with the voters in this city?”
> 
> “I really think this kid is a victim, and a child, and she deserves to be treated the way we would treat any other underage victim.”
> 
> “Well then.” He stepped out of the elevator onto the first floor. “I would guess that is why I’m a prosecutor and you’re not.” Smirking, he added, “Have a nice day, Vanessa.”
> 
> She watched him turn his back and head toward the exit.
> 
> “Arrogant bastard,” she muttered, and pressed the elevator button to head back to SVU.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy, and please remember that comments and kudos are always welcome!

“Lola Donahue is a bright and articulate nine-year old girl.”  Vanessa stood in front of the group, pointing to Lola’s photo. “Her mother, Charlotte Donahue, was found a year ago by police after Lola alerted a neighbor that her mom wouldn’t wake up.  Charlotte had a drug history, and the tox screen confirmed that she had heroin and methadone in her system. The death was labeled an overdose until now.”

 

“Okay,” Stone began slowly, “now why again are we revisiting a druggie’s overdose?”

 

Smiling her best and brightest smile, Vanessa turned to him.  “Because yesterday, Lola disclosed that she had been raped by her father multiple times, and that her mother died right after confronting him.”

 

Carisi nodded, shifting on his feet.  “You think he did it to shut her up?”

 

“I think it’s a possibility.”  She met Liv’s eyes, then nodded.  “Chet Donahue had a lot to lose if this came out.  He’s newly married, has a two-year old at home, and owns a small business.  If these charges became public, he could quite likely lose everything.”

 

“We’ve seen MO’s like this a million times,” Rollins remarked, drumming her fingertips on the table.  “It makes sense that he would do this. What doesn’t make sense is why he thought that Lola would never tell anyone.  Any ideas, doc?”

 

Vanessa sank into a chair. “A few.  But I also find it ironic that Lola went mute after whatever happened that day.  She hasn’t told me why, but I’m hoping we will get there eventually. In the meantime, you should be able to at least arrest him on rape of a minor--”

 

“It’s her word against his,” Stone interrupted.  “Look, I’m sorry if this happened but I can’t pursue a case with no evidence.”

 

“Then we work to gather the evidence we need,” Liv said smoothly.  “We already have Lola’s disclosure, as well as multiple doctors’ reports noting tearing and scarring consistent with repeated rape.  We will work on finding out if there is any physical evidence left, and guys, we’ll need to canvass that building again. Ask for anything they know about anyone in the Donahue family.  There has got to be at least one witness to any of the physical or verbal abuse.” She stood and crossed her arms. “What Lola is describing is a long-term, chronic abuse pattern. If he isn’t yet, he may start to abuse his new family.  Regardless, Lola deserves justice, and so does Charlotte.”

 

Vanessa could see Stone shaking his head out of the corner of her eye, and she wanted to pummel him.  For the thousandth time, she inwardly cursed Jack McCoy for putting all of them in this mess. Rafael would have worked with them to develop a plan for the evidence.  Rafael would have fought alongside them to understand Lola’s perspective. Rafael would have followed up with Corporation Counsel to make sure Lola got a fair shake. Rafael would have been passionate about this.

 

Liv had dismissed everyone and Stone was headed to the elevators when Rayden approached him quickly.

 

“So Peter,” she tried her best to smile, “what is the plan for Lola?”

 

Peter pressed the elevator button for the ground floor.  “I don’t know,” he said, turning toward her. “She’s not my case.  We’ve been over this, doctor.” The elevator door opened, and he stepped inside, pressing the first floor button.

 

“I know we started to discuss it..”  Vanessa sidestepped him into the elevator and continued.  “But you seem to feel the discussion ends at passing the buck to another prosecutor.”

 

Stone’s face was rigid and he almost seemed pained.  “So what do you want from me, Rayden? This child assaulted somebody.  He could have died. I’m not equipped to make a decision about justice for a nine-year old who stabbed someone.”

 

Vanessa had cocked a hip to one side, hand resting on it and elbow out.  “You know, if you would have stayed for that interview yesterday, you would know and would have heard from her--in childspeak--the reason she stabbed him.  She thought he was going to rape her.”

 

He was tapping his foot.  She wanted to step on it.

 

“There are highly extenuating circumstances here.  I want you to encourage the new prosecutor to drop the charges.”

 

Stone snorted.  “Really? You think that would go over well with the voters in this city?”

 

“I really think this kid is a victim, and a child, and she deserves to be treated the way we would treat any other underage victim.”

 

“Well then.”  He stepped out of the elevator onto the first floor.  “I would guess that is why I’m a prosecutor and you’re not.”  Smirking, he added, “Have a nice day, Vanessa.”

 

She watched him turn his back and head toward the exit.

 

“Arrogant bastard,” she muttered, and pressed the elevator button to head back to SVU.

 

********************************************************

“Yes.  Yes, I’ll wait.  Yes, Jason Brooks.”

 

Rafael could hear her on the phone when he stepped into the apartment.  He quietly toed off his shoes and hung his jacket on the coat rack.

 

“Jason, hi!  How are you?”  She saw him crossing into the kitchen and waved at him.  “That sounds terrific! Look, have you heard about the nine-year old in custody for assault?  Yeah, she’s my case.” Vanessa leaned back against the counter as Rafael winked at her and headed to the bedroom to change.  “I’m trying to find a safe placement for her, and Belle Isle was on my list. Thought I’d give you a call.”

 

Rafael could hear her conversation through the wall, and while it wasn’t loud enough to make everything out, he knew it had to do with the case she was working on.   _ THAT case _ , his brain supplied, and he pulled on his tee and sweats.  

 

He knew she had to be exhausted.  SVU had only had the case for a little over a week, but from what she had shared, it had been an uphill battle to move anything.  He found himself occasionally fantasizing about having his old job back; of being able to make a difference and get justice for people who were still living.  Still trying to live, to walk through their pain, their grief, their anguish. Sighing, he shook off the tightness in his chest as he heard her walking through the hallway.

 

“Hey,” she said, opening the bedroom door.  She put her phone on his dresser, then sat next to him on the bed.  “I missed your sexiness today.”

 

He chuckled, then kissed her gently.  “Yeah? That’s a thing?”

 

“Mmhmm.  Very much.”  She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her head into his neck.  “Have I told you lately that you’re my absolute favorite prosecutor ever?”

 

“Okay,” he said, pulling her back from his body, “what do you want?”

 

She looked offended.  “Me? Nothing at all. Maybe just a little down home lovin’.”

 

He shook his head.  “I don’t even know what that is.  We Cubans don’t do that southern stuff.” Smirking, he reached over and tweaked her nipple.  “But I’m pretty good at the hot latin lover thing. At least that’s what I’ve been told.”

 

She tickled his stomach and said, “I don’t know how you ever get your head through the doorway.”

 

“It’s a talent.”  

 

“Like the hot latin lover thing?”

 

“Kind of.”  He grinned at her.  “Want me to show you?”

 

She shrugged.  “Sure, why not?”

 

****************************************************************

They were lying in the dark, naked, facing each other.  Her hand was gently stroking his chest and his rested on her hip.  They could hear the city outside, all of its busy-ness, yet they were separate from it.  Belonging and apart, all at the same time.

 

He had been watching her face intently for awhile now, and she could feel the love in his eyes.  In all of her other relationships, she had always wondered if she would be enough, or if there was another lover for her partner waiting just around the corner.  She had never been good at opening up and trusting men, and struggled in personal relationships. She felt, knew instinctively, that there was so much about her that she still hadn’t shared with him, and sometimes she wondered if he would be disappointed in her, or angry with her, or both.  But so far he had done nothing to show him guilty of anything other than being in love with her. She wasn’t sure why he felt that way. Sometimes she wondered if it was some weird traumatic attachment. Then she would tell herself it didn’t matter, she didn’t care why he loved her. The fact was, he was here with her, now, and what she was experiencing with him was different from every other relationship she’d had.  For some reason, he accepted her unconditionally. He respected her. And he loved her, through words and spirit and body. And she knew she was a lucky, lucky woman.

 

Still stroking his chest, she said softly, “Nobody’s ever loved me like you do.”

 

His hand moved slowly back and forth on her hip.  “That makes me a little sad for them. Loving you is the most incredible thing I’ve experienced.  I would never want to let that go.”

 

She leaned forward and kissed him gently.

 

“I wanna marry you one day,” he said, a dreamy half smile on his face.  “Whatever kind of wedding you want. As long as the marriage is just like this.  Like now.” His hand skimmed up her body, over her stomach, ribs, breast, shoulder, until it reached her face.  “I know it would be like this. I can’t imagine loving you any other way.”

 

She kissed his fingers.  “When you say things like that, it makes it very hard to get out of bed, you know.” 

 

“Well, maybe that’s my plan.  To squeeze in as much sex now before Max is over here tomorrow.”

 

She raised an eyebrow.  “Oh really? You’re such a planner.  You probably had Carmen pencil this into your schedule.”

He laughed at that, then kissed her again.  “I was never a boy scout, but I do believe in being prepared.”  Suddenly, he sighed. “You know, I’m so ridiculously in love with you.  I don’t even want to imagine a day where I wouldn’t come home to you, or you to me.”  Now he caught her hand and kissed it. “Should we go for another round?”

 

“Hmm.”  She reached between them to stroke his cock, and found him half hard already.  “I would hate to disappoint what you’ve got going on there, so I guess we can try.”

 

Chuckling, he pulled her close, kissing her.  When they came up for air, he whispered, “I’ve never laughed as much as I do with you...I’ve never loved like this either.”

 

Their eyes caught each other, and he knew she could read him so clearly.  He meant it. All of it. Every last word. Her eyes teared up, and he wrapped his arms around her.  This time he kissed her deeply, and she allowed herself to be pulled in to his love.

 

*******************************************************

Three days later, Benson showed up in his office with Charlotte Donahue’s file.

 

“I think this might fall under your purview,” she stated, handing him the paperwork.  “I realize it isn’t an SVU case but we need to do some investigation here. I have a witness who was there, and from her description, it seems quite likely that Chet Donahue killed his wife and made it look like an overdose.”

 

Rafael was scanning the file quickly.  Closing it, he handed it back to her. “Isn’t this up to Stone to decide how to proceed?”

 

She shook her head.  “I’m not getting anywhere with him.  Besides, he said he’s going to dump it on homicide anyway.  I just beat him to the punch.”

 

“Go back and have him make a formal request to send the case to me.  I’ll take it. I can’t just take a case from SVU without some kind of initiation from him.”

 

“I understand.”  Liv laid the file back on his desk.  “Just promise me that you’ll actually try here, like you’ve always done.”

 

He sighed, then nodded.  “You know I’m good for it.”  He flipped the jacket of the file open once more to see the picture of a thirty-year old mother.  “Before you go, though...just tell me, who’s the witness? A neighbor?”

 

“No.  It’s her daughter.”

 

His eyebrow shot up immediately.  “Donahue...this is the foster kid thing?  What’s her name, Lola?”

Liv nodded.  “She heard them fighting, Barba.  And then she said she couldn’t wake her mom up.  I really think we’re looking at a homicide.”

 

Pausing for a moment, he pressed his hands to his forehead.  He was starting a migraine. “Isn’t this the case that Vanessa is working?”

 

“Yes it is.  But we have to do what we can here.  Look, Rafael, if you don’t get on this, this guy is gonna walk from felony murder charges.  Please tell me you haven’t changed THAT much.”

 

“Fine.”  He uncapped his pen and grabbed a legal pad, jotting down a couple of ideas.  “Go back and have Stone transfer it to me. I’ll talk to McCoy about all of this and...conflict of interest.”

 

********************************************

 

“So Lola,” Vanessa began, “I was thinking about the night your mom and dad had that big fight, and then your mom died.  Remember how we talked about that?”

 

Lola slowly nodded.  “Yeah but I don’t like it.  It was scary.”

 

“Are you scared now?”  

.

“Sometimes.”  She put the top back on the marker.  Suddenly, she looked delighted. “Look! I drew my mom!”         

“That’s beautiful.  I bet your mom would have loved it.”

 

Lola’s demeanour changed quickly from one of excitement to one of sadness.  “I miss her very much. She always used to say she loved me.” Lola laid the picture down.  

 

“I bet she did.”  Vanessa was capping and uncapping the marker, deep in thought.  “I was wondering if you remember what your daddy and your momma were saying when they fought that time.”

 

Lola’s eyes grew large, gazing at Vanessa, then just as quickly, she bent her head down again and uncapped a marker. “Daddy said I ain’t tellin the truth but Momma said he was ...um...perverted? And she don’t ever wanna see him no more, Ever.”  Lola put her marker down then. “Daddy hit her face. She was crying.”

 

“That sounds scary to me, too.  What happened after your dad hit her?”

 

Lola shrugged.  “I love those clouds,’ she said, examining her work.  Do you like them?”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “I sure do.” She straightened up the markers for a few minutes, then said, “Do you remember what happened after your dad hit your mom in the face?”

 

Lola still wasn’t looking, focused completely on her picture.  But her leg was bouncing up and down quickly and she was biting her tongue, and Vanessa wondered exactly how long she would continue to manage her anxiety like this.

 

Cutting through the silence, she asked again, “Do you remember what happened after your dad hit your mom?”                        

 

Slowly, Lola nodded, but kept her eyes on her paper.  “Daddy called her some names. Bad words I’m not supposed to say.”

 

“I see.”

 

“He did it to Momma too...put his thing in her there.”  Lola’s eyes suddenly closed, as if trying to wipe a picture from her memory.  “She was screaming and crying really bad. I got so scared and I ran into the bathroom and locked the door so he couldn’t get me too.”

 

Vanessa watched Lola’s hands moving purposefully across the paper.  “Did it work? Did it keep you safe?”

 

“Yeah.  I stayed in the bathroom til he left.  Then I checked on my mom.” The markers stopped moving.  “I thought maybe she was happy he left cause she was smiling, but she wasn’t.  I got in bed and snuggled with her because I knew she was scared, and we looked out for each other.  We were buddies.”

 

****************************************

Entering her office, she closed the door and removed her suit jacket beore sitting on the couch and resting her head in her hands. She tried to imagine the horror and pain that Lola must have felt, but she knew she couldn’t.  She pictured Max in the same situation; coming home to Bobby or herself or Rafael dead on the floor and nowhere to go, nobody to help. She could nearly hear Lola’s voice in an effort to wake Charlotte. And then the little girl asked if she had been successful in killing her father.

 

Her head was swimming and her heart felt near broken.  Her office phone rang then, and she just let it go to voicemail.  Pulling out her cell, she shot Rafael a text letting him know she was going to Forlini’s and would be late getting home.  Then she left and headed to the bar to erase the day’s remains.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RB: You okay, babe?  
> VR: Just peachy. Drunk off my ass and feeling good.  
> RB: Let me come get you.  
> VR: No. I’m finishing this one and leaving. Be home in about thirty.  
> RB: You sure? I can be there in twenty minutes.  
> VR: Positive. Don’t worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently these two get smutty when they're stressed. Go figure. Anyway, feel free to leave comments and kudos--they make it all worth it to me!

_ RB:  You okay, babe? _

_ VR:  Just peachy.  Drunk off my ass and feeling good. _

_ RB:  Let me come get you. _

_ VR:  No. I’m finishing this one and leaving.  Be home in about thirty. _

_ RB:  You sure?  I can be there in twenty minutes. _

_ VR:  Positive.  Don’t worry. _

 

He was sitting on the couch, glasses on and reading a book when she opened the door.  She was wobbly on her feet, but got the door closed and locked before turning to him.

 

“I’m sorry.”  She stripped her jacket off and tossed it on a chair, then stepped out of her shoes.  “I just...I needed a break.”

 

He stood up and went to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she stumbled a bit to the couch.  “Sorry,” she said again. “I know it’s irresponsible and I didn’t intend to get this drunk. Why do you have three eyes?”

 

He smiled, then helped her sit.  “Three are better than two, right?” he teased.  “Can I get you some water? Coffee? Dinner?”

 

She ran an index finger over the veins in his hand.  “Water and food, but in a minute. I just want to look at you right now.”

 

He chuckled.  “That third eye doing it for you?”

 

She smiled, but didn’t laugh.  Instead, her eyes scanned his face, his chest, his arms.  “You know, you are very handsome. I bet you’ve had lots of lovers you’ve never mentioned, huh?”

 

Awkwardly, he nodded.  “A few, maybe. You too, I’m sure.”

 

Now she laughed.  “Are you kidding? I’m a fucking train wreck in relationships.  How I’ve managed not to send you running is some kind of miracle.”  Her face turned somber. “I always worry I’m gonna send you running.”

 

He cupped her face.  “Not a chance. I love you.”  He leaned over and kissed her forehead.  “Now let me get you something to eat...do you think you can keep it down?”

 

“Um, maybe.  I can try.”

 

“Maybe we’ll just try some soup and crackers.  Sound good?”

 

She curled up on the couch and pulled the throw blanket over her.  “Anything from you sounds good,” she told him, closing her eyes. “You’re the man.  My man. My handsome, sexy man.”

By the time he was back with the soup, she was snoring softly.  He decided not to wake her, and placed the glass of water on the coffee table next to the couch.

 

**********************************************

 

Vanessa knocked on Jason’s office door before peeking in.  “Hello there!” she grinned, and he was up and across the room to embrace her.

 

“Way too long, no see,” he said.  “I was really happy to get your call the other day.  How are you doing?”

 

Jason was the director of a children’s shelter called Belle Isle that housed approximately thirty children between the ages of four and twelve.  It was transitional housing for children who qualified for foster care but currently didn’t have a foster family. He and Vanessa had met on a case a few years before when she was working with a family whose child was placed in Belle Isle.  She had found Jason to have a deep understanding of children and family dynamics, and tirelessly advocated for both. Belle Isle was considered to be one of the best facilities in the state, and Vanessa never doubted it was in large part due to Jason’s hard work.

 

“I’m doing well, thank you.”  She sat in a chair across from his desk as he settled into his desk chair.  “Still feel like I’m getting my feet back in the water, so to speak. But it’s so good to be back in New York.”

 

“I’m sure.  I can’t imagine what that must have been like, being separated from your son.”  His eyes met hers and he said, “You were in my thoughts all the time. I’m so glad you were able to come back.”

 

“Me too.”  She leaned forward then.  “So, how’d it go last night?”

 

“She had a pretty good night, considering.”  Jason folded his hands. “Did you know she has nightmares?”

 

“I didn’t, but I’m not surprised.  She’s been through some serious trauma, both as a victim and a witness.”

 

Jason nodded.  “She’s starting therapy today, and we’ve included art therapy in her schedule.  You said she likes to draw, right?”

 

“Very much so.  She’s quite good at it.”  She reached into her portfolio and pulled out a few sheets of paper.  “These are some of her drawings. She said this one was of her mother, and she lit up when she told me about it.”  Vanessa handed the papers to him, and he flipped through them carefully. “Art therapy will be wonderful for her. I’m hopeful that we can get more information from her using that strategy.”

“Sounds good,” Jason replied.  “I’ve reviewed the information you sent over.  Anything new?”

 

Vanessa sighed.  “If you can have her therapist call me if she needs to, that would be great.  She disclosed more information two days ago--she witnessed her father raping her mother--so I don’t know how much more there is.  I can’t predict what she will or won’t say. Has she spoken to any of you yet?”

 

Jason shook his head.  “She’s been silent since arriving.  But that’s her coping mechanism, right?  Hopefully she’ll open up soon. I’m assuming you’re going to continue working with her for awhile?”

 

“Yes.”  Vanessa stood.  “You’ll see me around on a daily basis for awhile, until things are a bit more settled.  Could I visit with her for a bit now?”

 

“Absolutely.”  Jason stood and opened the door for her.  “She’s in the playroom right now with a few of the other kiddos.”

 

“Terrific.  Thanks Jase.”

 

He patted her on the shoulder.  “You’re welcome. So glad you’re back.”

 

********************************************

Judge Catelano was reviewing the order for exhumation of Charlotte Donahue.

 

“Let me get this straight,” he said, glancing up at Rafael with a furrowed brow.  “You want to exhume a body that’s been buried for a year because a kid told you this woman was assaulted?”

 

“It’s a bit more complicated than that,” he began, but Catelano raised a hand and waved it, dismissing his argument.

 

“Has the family weighed in on this?”

 

“The only family she has is the child in question,” he explained.  “The child claims the victim’s husband raped the victim, and when the child found her shortly thereafter, the victim was dead.”

 

Catelano was tapping his pen on the desk.  Rayden had that same habit at times and it drove him nuts.  He bit his lip and waited for the judge to decide.

 

After a moment, Catelano shook his head.  “I’m going to allow it,” he said, signing the order, “but you better hope you’re right, Mr. Barba.  Otherwise you’ve cost this city a lot of money for a wild goose chase.” He looked up and handed the order to Rafael.  “People don’t think kindly of wasted funds.”

Rafael nodded curtly.  “Thank you, Judge.” Turning on his heel, he left the office and headed to SVU.

*************************************************

“We got DNA back on Chet Donahue,” Liv told Stone.  “It’s a match to the DNA in Lola’s underwear.” She sat down in the chair across from him.  “Is that enough?”

 

Stone leaned back in his chair.  “Did you ask him how it got there?”

 

Liv took a deep breath, trying to maintain control.  “Yes, we did. He’s claiming he self-serviced and grabbed the first thing he found in the bathroom hamper to clean up.”

 

Stone was watching her face carefully.  “All right,” he finally said. “Arrest him for child rape and child endangerment.  But keep looking. All it takes is one juror to buy that argument, and we’re done.”

 

“We will,” she assured him, standing.

 

“And Benson?  The next time you want to take one of my cases and send it to your buddy Barba, at least have the decency to tell me first.”

 

She felt the bitterness and frustration sweep through her body and she tensed for a moment before turning around to face him.  “You said you didn’t want it. So I took it to someone who would.”

 

“I still don’t want it,” he said, crossing his arms.  “And the fact of the matter is, this should be tried with any rape/homicide charges.  Same defendant, and the crimes are linked.”

 

“So what are you saying?  You want me to take this to Barba too?”

 

Stone snorted.  “Please. This is a sex crime and I’ll try it when I feel it’s appropriate.  I don’t know how in the world Barba thinks he’s going to get charges on a year-old murder of a junkie, but he can knock himself out.  Plus, Rayden has been working with this kid and it’s a conflict of interest if she’s testifying in his case. I’m assuming they’re still sleeping together?”

 

Liv leaned over the desk, bracing her hands on its top.  “Exhumation,” she said icily. “He’s having the body exhumed.  And if you have questions about anyone’s relationship, you should probably ask the people involved.”

 

She turned to head to the door.  “We’ll be arresting him this evening,” she said, opening the office door.  “So he should be ready to be arraigned in the morning.” With that, she stepped out and let the door close behind her.

 

****************************************************

They were lying on the bed again, kissing deeply, sensually, softly.

 

It had been so long since he had been an ADA that he had somehow forgotten how trying it could be.  Frustrating, draining, all-encompassing. The last week had been hell on both of them, and he knew it would get worse before it got better.  There was a child victim and a murdered mother, and they had a responsibility to find justice in this somehow. And in the meantime, they had been missing each other.  When one was able to be home at a reasonable hour, the other had been stuck in the office. They had even tried to bring their work home, but it didn’t help. He couldn’t focus on the evidence and building his case when she was right there and he could smell her shampoo and perfume.  And she hadn’t been good at focusing either. Sometimes he caught her just staring dreamily at him. It had made him grin and tease her, and she had laughed, but he missed this. This intimacy. They used to do this nearly every day. Lately they’d been lucky to get once a week--twice if they fit in a quickie.

 

But now they were here, and he felt complete.  They had both lost their shirts fairly quickly, and he had stroked his fingers over her nipples before unhooking her bra.  He had kissed her gently, slowly licking at her breasts, until she had softly moaned and said, “I love you so much, Rafael.”

 

He had caught her face then with his hands so she couldn’t look away, and then told her that she was his world.  And she was. Being with her made everything, every sacrifice or struggle, worth it. And she had eagerly accepted his kisses, opening her mouth for his tongue, laving his neck herself before suckling close to his shoulder.  He sighed. “I think we should pick a day that nobody does anything but have sex,” he murmured.

 

He could feel her smiling against his skin.  “That sounds like a terrific idea. I think we should make it into a law.”  Her hand was combing through his chest hair again, occasionally stroking and teasing a nipple.  “I’ve missed this with you this week.”

 

His mouth covered hers again, tongue tasting the inside of her mouth, and he guided one of her hands to his crotch.  “Me too. I’ve missed you this much.”

 

“Mmm.”  She palmed him through his pants.  He was stiff and thick, and she wanted more of him.  She always wanted more, and he always gave her whatever she wanted.  Sometimes she didn’t even ask. It was like he just knew, understood her, understood her body and her reactions.  Sometimes he just knew she needed an escape.

 

She unbuttoned his jeans and slid down the zipper as he continued to kiss her softly, making his way over to her ear before nibbling on it and tugging her earlobe.  When her hand slipped inside his boxer briefs and found his erection, a low moan caught in his throat. “Feel good?” she whispered, kissing him back. His eyelids were half closed, the way he always looked when he was aroused like this.  She found it to be incredibly alluring.

 

“Yes.”  As her hand settled around his cock, he ran his fingers up and down her side.  “Can I take my pants off? It might help with whatever your goal is here.”

 

“You may be right about that.”  She pulled back and watched him shimmy out of his jeans and underwear, dropping them on the floor.  She leaned over and kissed his bare hip and his cock twitched in anticipation. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Rafael,” she murmured as her fingers ran across his chest and down to his belly.  “Absolutely perfect.”

 

He smirked and said, “Now who’s lying?”

 

“I don’t lie.  I’m so attracted to you it’s crazy.  Every time I see you I want to launch myself at your face for a kiss.  When you get out of the shower I have to fight the urge to strip that towel of your hips.  And when we make love…” she paused, suddenly self-conscious.

 

He touched her hair softly.  “When we make love, what, honey?”

 

She looked at him, sinking into his eyes.  “I feel like the whole world is right. That I’m safe, and I’m here, and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”

 

He watched her face for a moment, feeling his own heart skip a couple beats, and his longing for her was enormous.  “Me too. You’re my home.”

 

She nodded then, and slid down his body, stopping to tongue his navel, nipping at it, before she traced the trail of hair leading down to his cock.  His hands were in her hair, gently stroking, and she reached below his cock to cup his balls. 

 

His breath caught for a moment and she realized he hadn’t expected this.  “This okay?” she asked, watching a small drop of precome fall to his belly.

 

“Yeah.  Whatever you want to do to me, it’s okay.  It’s all okay, Ness.” She glanced up at him and his eyes were closed, hands still stroking her hair.  “I love every bit of sex with you. It’s always perfect for me.”

 

She gently sucked on his thigh and left a sizeable hickey there before moving over and taking one of his balls into her mouth, rolling it around, then the other.  Her fingers slid lower, to his perineum, and she gently massaged it. His hips arched up for a moment, then settled back down. “Baby, that’s so good. That’s so, so good, Nessie.”  After a moment she licked up his shaft and encompassed the head in her mouth. She sucked him hard for a minute, listening to his breath catch again, then pulled off and moved back up his body.  She licked his lips and he opened his mouth for her, sucking on her tongue when it entered. “I want to be on top,” he murmured. “Wanna fuck you with your legs around me, high.”

 

She pulled back then and lay against the mattress, and he sat up, eyes following her body.  He didn’t move for a minute; instead he sat watching her, examining her, making mental note of how beautiful she was to him.  She finally laughed nervously and asked, “What are you doing?”

 

His smile was lopsided, relaxed.  “Watching you. Memorizing every inch of you.”  His right hand cupped one of her breasts and his thumb grazed the nipple repeatedly until it was hard against his finger.  “So beautiful.” His hand ran down her ribs, then over her stomach, tracing her navel, before continuing its journey, finally settling over her core.

 

His fingers were gently stroking her vulva and he leaned down and kissed her.  “I didn’t know I could love anyone like this before you.” He slipped two fingers inside, and she caught her breath.  “Now I can’t imagine not being able to love you.” He slowly thrust his fingers in and out as his thumb brushed over her clit.  “You give so much of yourself to me. You love me so completely. You’re my best friend, my lover, my critic, my cheerleader.” He shook his head, then settled his eyes on hers.  She was watching him intently, breathing heavily, and he began to massage her insides with his fingers. “I never want this to end. I want you to know, to always know, how much I cherish you.  You make everything matter.”

 

She whimpered then; the pleasure from his fingers, mixed with his words, brought an intensity of feeling to life inside of her.  “I need you, Rafa,” she whispered. “So badly right now...I need you...don’t ever want to be apart…”

 

He gently removed his fingers, and as she watched, he sucked them dry for her, then moved over her quickly.  Pulling her legs gently to either side, he lined up and pushed in, and buried her deep moan in a kiss. When he pulled up, he stroked the side of her face with one hand.  “I love you, baby,” he whispered, rubbing his nose against hers. “You’re my everything.”

 

She wrapped her legs around him, above his waist, allowing him to thrust deeper.  When he did, they both moaned. “God,” he murmured against her ear, “I need you. So good, you feel so, so good.”  One of his hands went to a thigh and he pulled her leg up even higher.

 

He felt like heaven, deep and thick and firm inside her.  He moved purposefully, strong in his thrusts, and she allowed everything else in the world to drop away.  It was only them, like it used to be, and she could feel her orgasm building quickly. “Rafa,” she gasped, “so good.  Please don’t stop. It’s so good…”

 

His eyes were on hers then, a hand on either side of her head as he supported himself, snapping his hips firmly and listening to her gasp in rhythmic time to his movements.  “You like how I feel?” he murmured. “Like how you feel? My cock going to make you come, hermosa?”

 

She was arching her breasts into his chest, running her hands up and down his back before finally wrapping themselves under his arms, with her palms pressing on his shoulders.  “Yes...yes...you feel so good…”

Her body was humming, hips matching his rhythm, and she pulled up and bit his shoulder, trying to hang on.  He moaned and snapped his hips into hers again. “Nessie,” he panted, “close?”

 

She could tell he was seconds away, and she ground against him fiercely as she leaned up, desperate to nip his ear, his neck.  Suddenly she felt his fingers roughly circling her clit, and he was sucking on her neck and thrusting hard and erratically. When he cried out her name in a high pitched groan and stiffened, she ground against him forcefully twice more and felt her orgasm race through her whole body.

 

“Rafa,” she cried, clutching him, feeling the tremors reverberating through her.  The pleasure of him, of this, made her feel vulnerable yet beautiful, safe, complete.  As her body began to come down, she felt his lips pressing gentle kisses upon her chest, her neck, her face.

 

“You’re so beautiful when you come,” he whispered, and she reached up and ran a hand through his hair.

 

She smiled.  “Still wanna marry me?”

 

“Yep,” he said, winking.  “Tell me the day and time and I’ll meet you at the courthouse.”  He paused. “Or a church, if that’s what you like. I’m flexible, as long as I’m marrying you.”

 

She laughed.  “I wouldn’t pull a bait and switch on you, counselor.  You’re too good at this...this loving me thing.”

 

He carefully pulled out and lay next to her.  “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.  And the best decision I’ve ever made.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She shook her head. “Good for you. You know, I’ve always stood up for you regarding the...questionable...things you’ve done. But I can’t believe you, Bobby. She’s supposed to be caring for your son, and you’re more worried about her caring for YOU. Not to mention, she’s like, what? Twenty-three?”
> 
> “Twenty five.”
> 
> “Well thank God. Two years is a HUGE difference.” She took a deep breath and exhaled. “Well, I guess you’re still into younger women.”
> 
> “Come on, Vanessa. That’s not fair--that’s not why we happened, and you know it.”
> 
> She turned to face the sand pit, watching Max build happily between Rafael and Sally. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes. “Quite frankly, Bobby, right now I don’t know why we happened at all.” She grabbed her bag off the bench, then turned to him. “I’ll facetime Max tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two apparently have a lot to learn about each other still.
> 
> Any comments or kudos? Drop 'em here! I love that stuff!

“Aw, pwease, Wafa?  I pwomise I won’t tell Momma!  I’ll even share wif you!” Max held the last chocolate chip cookie, extending his hand to Rafael.  “It’s very, very good...I pwomise you will like it…”

 

Rafael was doing his best not to laugh.  Max had already had two cookies and was doing his best to negotiate a third.  “I’ll consider it,” he said as seriously as he was able, “but if you’re going to have part of the last cookie, then you need to help clean up your toys in here before we go to the park.”

 

Max tilted his head to the side, as if weighing his options.  “Hmm...okay. I can do that. You help me?”

 

“Sure.  I’ll pick up the tracks if you pick up the trains.  And THEN we’ll have the cookie.”

 

Max’s brow furrowed for a moment before he laid the cookie on the kitchen table.  “Okay, let’s do this. I need a cookie.”

 

Five minutes later they were seated at the kitchen table, each with half a cookie and a small glass of milk.  Rafael watched as Max dipped his cookie into his milk to eat it. He was definitely Vanessa’s child and had a myriad of her mannerisms, including the cookie dunk.  Often he would hear Vanessa’s voice come out of Max’s mouth, both in intonation and expression, and it struck him as completely charming. He knew it was corny that his heart beat a little faster, that it was all he could do not to sigh an “aw” every time he heard it, but it was still about the cutest thing he’d ever seen.

 

“You gonna finish that?” Max asked, nodding toward Rafael’s cookie.  “Because I’m a growing boy and I need cookies.”

 

“You think so, huh?”  Rafael handed him what was left of his half.

 

“Fank you, Wafa.  You are a very nice friend.”  Max finished the cookie and dusted his hands off with a flourish.  “Now can we go to the park? I think I need to get some energies out.”

 

“Sure, buddy.  Go use the bathroom and wash your hands, and we’ll walk over.”

 

He didn’t get a lot of time alone with Max, which was okay with him right now.  He still felt uncomfortable and unsure sometimes of what to do or say. Max had never challenged his requests, thank God, but he often wondered what he would do when that day inevitably came.  Especially if it came at a time Vanessa was out, like today.

 

But Max was a sweet kid who seemed to really enjoy his company, and as long as Rafael was willing to build in the sand, play with trains, or read a story, Max seemed content.  He had even begun to give Rafael hugs and kisses at bedtime. The first time, he had shocked Rafael completely. Rafael had read him his bedtime story while Max and Vanessa snuggled on his bed.  As she kissed him goodnight, Max kissed his mom and then said, “Wafa, hugs and kisses, pwease!” He and Vanessa had looked at each other, and then he had leaned down and given the little boy a hug and a kiss.  “Goodnight, Max. Sleep tight.”

 

“Night night, Wafa.  I love you guys!”

 

Max returned from the bathroom.  “Do I need a jacket, Wafa?”

 

“I don’t think so.  It’s warm today, but you can bring one if you like.”  He slipped on his flip flops and held out a hand for Max.  “Remember, your dad is gonna meet us at the park to pick you up today...and Momma said if she doesn’t make it, she’ll facetime you tonight.”

 

“I know.  We can build in the sand while we wait for Daddy, wight?”

 

“Absolutely.”  He took Max’s hand in his and they headed out the door and down the hall to the elevator.

***********************************************

“Hey Momma,” Rafael teased as Vanessa made her way to the sandbox.  He leaned over and kissed her chastely, then asked, “How was your day?”

 

She sighed.  “Okay, I guess.  Always more to do at work.  Rollins and I called it a day a couple hours ago and went to get a late lunch.”  She sank down on the park bench next to him. “I don’t remember these cases wearing me out so much before witness protection.”

 

“MOMMA!”  Max jumped up from where he had been building in the sand and ran to her.  She caught him as he launched himself at her and picked him up, kissing him.

 

“I missed you!” she told him, placing quick, silly kisses all over his face.  “I just need so many kisses! All the kisses!”

 

Max was laughing and kept wiping his hands on his face.  “Eww, Momma! Get all the kisses from Wafa, not me!”

 

“Hey, that’s not a bad idea,” Rafael chimed in, arm around her and fingers caressing her shoulder.  

 

Max settled himself in Vanessa’s lap.  “When is Daddy gonna be here? He’s comin’ to get me, wight?  And then we’re gonna getted some ice cream. Daddy and me LOVE ice cream!”

 

“You and Daddy also love pizza, and chicken nuggets, and hamburgers, and fries…”

 

“AND chinese!” Max added.  “Crab rangoon rocks.”

Vanessa and Rafael looked at each other and burst out laughing.  As they were catching their breath, Rafael nodded to a spot over Vanessa’s shoulder.  “There he is. Who’s that with him?”

 

Vanessa turned around to glance over her shoulder.  “It’s Sally,” she said, sounding surprised. Looking at Max, she said, “I didn’t know Sally was still watching you when Daddy went to work.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Max said, playing with the buckle on his sandal.  “Otay...much better.” He saw his dad approaching and took off running to him.  A couple minutes later they approached the park bench where Vanessa and Rafael were seated.  “Hey there,” Bobby greeted them, holding Max upside down by the ankes. “Anyone see a silly little kid around here?”  Max giggled.

 

“Nope, not a one,” Rafael replied.  “You see one, Ness?”

 

“Maybe, but I think he went thatta way,” she responded, pointing toward the carousel.  

 

“No I’m here, Daddy!  I’m wight here! Put me down, Dad!”  Max giggled harder as Bobby swung him lightly back and forth.

 

“Are you sure?  I don’t see you…”  Bobby swung him right side up and gently placed him on his feet, holding on to him as Max wobbled a little.  “THERE you are! Oh for goodness sake, Max, don’t wander away again!”

 

“Daddy, you so silly!” Max wrapped himself around Bobby’s leg.

 

“Hey, Rafael,” Vanessa said, standing.  “This is Sally Aames. She’s Max’s nanny.”

 

“Used to be,” Sally clarified, clearing her throat.  “I’m in school full time now, so I wasn’t able to keep it up…”

 

Bobby reached out and squeezed Vanessa’s hand.  “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this,” he explained.  “Max is in preschool now since my schedule has evened out. So Sally or I drop him off and pick him up each day.  As soon as you start taking him regularly on Fridays, I’ll go through the whole schedule with you.”

 

“All right.”  She crossed her arms.  Something didn’t feel right.  “So are you heading out tonight or something?  Is that why you’re here, Sally? Because you know Rafa and I would be happy to keep him another night if--”

 

“Daddy,” Max interrupted, “Can I go finish my sand tower?”

 

“Sure,” Bobby told him.  Vanessa could see the sudden tension in his shoulders, in his face.

 

Rafael stood.  “I’ll go with him,” he offered, then followed Max back over to the large sand pit.

“You know what?” Sally said, “I think I’m gonna go too.”  She headed behind Max and Rafael, heading to the sand pit.

 

“What is going on, Bobby?  You know we’ve always had an agreement that we call each other before we call a sitter.  Are you changing that rule now?”

 

“No,” he responded quickly.  “We’re not going anywhere tonight.  I--I’m not going anywhere tonight.” He sighed audibly and put his hands on his hips.  “I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this but I think maybe just telling you is the best way--”

 

“You think?”  She caught her thumbs in her back pockets.  “Well, spill!”

 

Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Bobby said, “Sally and I are seeing each other.  We have been for awhile...about a year.”

 

Vanessa felt her jaw drop.  “Are you serious? You’re  _ fucking  _ our kid’s nanny???”

 

“It wasn’t like that,” he said defensively.  “After you were gone, I needed more help. She moved in to be available more.  I just--she just--I don’t know, Ness. It works.”

 

She shook her head.  “Good for you. You know, I’ve always stood up for you regarding the...questionable...things you’ve done.  But I can’t believe you, Bobby. She’s supposed to be caring for your son, and you’re more worried about her caring for YOU.  Not to mention, she’s like, what? Twenty-three?”

 

“Twenty five.”

 

“Well thank God.  Two years is a HUGE difference.”  She took a deep breath and exhaled.  “Well, I guess you’re still into younger women.”

 

“Come on, Vanessa.  That’s not fair--that’s not why we happened, and you know it.”

 

She turned to face the sand pit, watching Max build happily between Rafael and Sally.  She could feel the tears welling in her eyes. “Quite frankly, Bobby, right now I don’t know why we happened at all.”  She grabbed her bag off the bench, then turned to him. “I’ll facetime Max tomorrow.”

 

He watched as she crossed the playground in large strides, then kissed Max goodbye.

 

******************************************************

She was on top of him, wrapped around him like an octopus and not letting go an inch.  Her mouth was on his and she was grinding against him, with only his boxers in between.  He wasn’t quite sure how they had ended up like this so quickly, but he was pretty certain he wasn’t the one in charge right now.

 

“Fuck me,” she gasped as soon as she pulled her mouth off of his.  “However you want. Just fuck me, okay?”

 

“You know I’m always happy to do that,” he answered, smoothing her hair from her face, “but do you mind telling me what the hell is going on?”

 

“What do you mean?”  She lowered her head and took one of his nipples into her mouth, sucking firmly until he started to squirm.  She heard him gasp.

 

“Well, you seemed to be in deep discussion with Bobby over something--”

 

“Bobby’s an asshole who only thinks with his dick.”  She pinched the nipple she had been sucking on just moments before and heard him groan.

 

“You know,” he half-spoke, half-moaned, “you’re describing a lot of us guys here...the penis is a powerful force.”

 

That got her attention and she sat straight up on him, straddling his hips.  “Are you TRYING not to get laid?”

 

Catching his breath, he asked her, “Now why would I try to do that?”

 

“I don’t know.  All I know is you’re killing the mood faster than a nuclear bomb.”

 

“I’m just a little...concerned here,” he said, stroking her hip.  She climbed off of him and moved to the edge of the bed. He thought for a moment she was going to get up, but then she pulled one of her legs up to the bed, folded at the knee, and a moment later he could hear soft sobs.

 

He sat up and moved behind her, wrapping an arm around her.  “Hey, sshh,” he murmured gently. “It’s gonna be okay, Nessie.  Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”

 

“It’s me,” she confessed.  “I’m making a bigger deal than I should.”

 

“Okay.  Do you want to talk about it?  Maybe it’ll help to gain some perspective.”

 

She sighed.  “He and Sally have been seeing each other for the last year.  I guess they’re living together. He hadn’t told me until today.”

 

“So you’re upset because he’s having a relationship with Max’s nanny.”

 

“She’s twenty five years old, Rafael.  Her job was to watch my son, not fuck his father.”

 

Rafael didn’t respond, just stroked her arm with his hand.

 

She shuddered for a second then said, “There’s a lot here you don’t know.  Our relationship has not always been peachy.”

 

“Well, most exes don’t have that--”

 

“He left me.”  She met his eyes, and he could see her chin trembling.  “I was five months pregnant when he left. He was there one day and then he wasn’t.  I came home one day to a note and an empty closet. He left me five hundred dollars for the baby and basically just said sorry, I can’t be a father.”  She shook her head. “He was going through a lot, in all fairness, but so was I. I was terrified too, but i wasn’t going to walk away from that baby. He deserved more than that.”  She took a shaky breath. “I was thirty-five when Max was born, so I was in a high risk category anyway...and the rape had happened the year prior. I had some internal damage from that.  They didn’t know for sure that Max would make it. Bobby and I were careful, but it happened. I knew he was scared. We talked about options. And we agreed to go ahead with it, that we would both dive off the deep end and do the best we could.  Or at least that’s what I thought we agreed to. 

 

“It was a complicated pregnancy and I was on modified bedrest by twenty weeks.,,shortly before he left.  Max came early. He was thirty-five weeks, and overall healthy considering, but he did have a lag in his respiratory functioning.  I gave birth alone.”

 

“What about your family?  Wasn’t there anyone?”

 

She shook her head.  “My mom committed suicide when I was ten.  My dad literally left us on his sister’s doorstep, and she died when I was in college.  I haven’t seen my sister since then. She has...problems.”

 

He sighed, kissing her cheek gently.  “I can imagine it was scary for you.”

 

She nodded.  “I kept telling myself he would come back, be there for the birth.  But he never did. So I picked up the slack. Took extra maternity leave, then hired a nanny to watch Max when I had to be at work.  He was great, and if it hadn’t been for him, ,I don’t know that I would have made it.” She was tracing a pattern on his thigh with her finger.  “He graduated and got a job teaching somewhere. Sally was his replacement. I hired her the month before we landed in witness protection.”

 

“So obviously he did come back…”

 

“Yeah.  Max was almost a year old, and then one day there’s this knock at my door, and here’s Bobby, larger than life again, asking to be let in to our son’s life.  I told him if he ever pulled that shit again I would make sure he lost all parental rights. He is NOT going to walk out on his own son again. He can’t. And he hasn’t since.  He’s been there for every single thing he’s needed to be there for. And I want Max to have a relationship with his dad, I really do. But right now, I just feel...lied to. And I don’t trust him to always put Max first.”

 

Rafa pressed a kiss to her temple.  “I love you, bebita. And Max is a wonderful, lucky kid.  I don’t know what is wrong with Bobby that he let you get away, but I’m awfully thankful that he did.”

 

She turned toward him then and curled up against his chest, and he wrapped long arms around her body.  They were skin to skin with no expectation, an intimacy that he had hardly ever experienced with another lover.  One that laid her soul bare to him, and he was determined to prove he was worthy of the trust she placed in him, and strong enough to protect it.

 

“I love you, Vanessa.”  He pressed open-mouthed kisses on her cheek, her neck, her breasts.  “I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

 

She caught his face in her hands.  “You’re a good man. You’re such a good man.  It’s one of the many reasons I love you, Rafa.  Please never lose sight of how good you are.”

 

His lips captured hers then and they kissed long and deep, hands roaming over one another’s bodies, slowing occasionally upon a sigh or a moan, coaxing more from one another.  As lips separated, she whispered back “Te amo, Rafael.” Then she raised herself up to her elbows to capture his mouth against hers.

 

He eased her down to the mattress and her legs wrapped around his body; wet heat was pressing against his erection and he felt high, reckless, in love.  Her hands were easing the boers off of him as their tongues continued tasting, and once the boxers were off, she ran her hands over his ass, squeezing and stroking as he rocked against her firmly.  “I love you, baby. I love you.” His tongue traced her earlobe and nipped it. “I love you, Vanessa.” His mouth moved down to capture a nipple again and he sucked and tugged gently until she moaned.  He released her and lined up. Voice heavy, rough from arousal, he asked, “Yes?” to which she nodded immediately and grabbed his ass as he thrust inside.

 

This time he tasted her tears with his tongue, murmured his love and devotion, promised there would never be a time he wouldn’t be there.  Their eyes locked on each other, and as they rocked against the other’s hips, feeling the pressure build, he suddenly felt his eyes fill with tears as well.  “I never want to hurt you, sweetheart,” he whispered. “Tell me how to fix it. Tell me what to do, Nessie.”

 

And she murmured gently, “This.  Love me, Rafael. Remind me I’m worth loving.  You are too.”

 

He buried his face in her neck then, one hand supporting his weight and the other tangled in her hair before whispering, “You are worth everything to me.  Everything.”

 

He watched her climax a few minutes later, then came himself quietly this time.  After he slipped out of her, he pulled her firmly against him and she lay her head on his chest.  He stared into the darkness, thinking about love and truth and family, until her breathing evened out and his eyelids drew closed.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The judge appeared thoughtful for a moment and then said, “Gentlemen, we’ll split the baby. Bail is set at twenty thousand dollars, and Mr. Donaghue will surrender his passport.” 
> 
> Fin and Vanessa looked at each other. “At least he’s not walking,” Fin said with a slight shrug of his shoulders.
> 
> “Yeah, I’m sure we’ll all sleep easier with that tonight,” Vanessa snarked back, and they stood to leave the courtroom.

Arraignment court was hectic as usual.  Vanessa found a seat in the gallery and a moment later, Fin settled in next to her.  “Bastard laughed at the charges last night when we picked him up,” he told her, low. “Stone better crucify him.”

 

She turned to face him.  “You think Stone’s capable of that?  He didn’t even want to bring these charges, last I heard.”

 

“You haven’t worked with him very long.  He’s not as bad as you think. I know you’re a big fan of Barba’s, but Stone can make his way around a courtroom most days.”

 

Trying desperately to control her expressions, she leaned in.  “I’ll take your word for it.”

 

Stone was flipping through his notes as the court officer brought Chet Donaghue into the courtroom.  

 

The judge read the charges aloud.  “The state of New York versus Charles Donaghue on one count of rape of a minor in the first degree and one count of child endangerment.  Mr. Stone?”

 

“Mr. Donaghue is the victim’s father.  He has extended family outside of the state and resources from a new marriage.  The state asks for bail to be set at fifty thousand.”

 

The judge turned to the defense table.  “Mr. DeAngelo?”

 

“My client is a well-respected community member with a wife and two small children.  He has no record with the law and looks forward to full exoneration. We ask that you release him on his own recognizance.”

 

The judge appeared thoughtful for a moment and then said, “Gentlemen, we’ll split the baby.  Bail is set at twenty thousand dollars, and Mr. Donaghue will surrender his passport.” 

 

Fin and Vanessa looked at each other.  “At least he’s not walking,” Fin said with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure we’ll all sleep easier with that tonight,” Vanessa snarked back, and they stood to leave the courtroom.

 

****************************************************

“Barba!” 

 

Rafael turned on his heel in the hallway, only to wish he had kept going.  Peter Stone was lightly jogging down the hall, trying to catch up. Too late to do anything else, he stood there feeling annoyed and trapped.  “What can I help you with?”

 

“The Donaghue case.”  Stone followed Rafael into his office. Rafael took the seat behind his desk and watched as Stone sat in the chair across from him.  “Are you planning to charge Charles Donaghue?”

 

“That’s the plan.  But we’re still working the case.  It may take some time. We have anything we get from the exhumation, and a statement from the child. My detectives are reworking a lot of angles that weren’t followed the first time around.”

 

Stone shook his head.  “I can’t believe the judge granted the exhumation.  Talk about a wing and a prayer, Rafael. What are you going to do if it turns up nothing?”

 

Barba leaned back in his chair and crossed his fingers.  “Then I guess we have exactly what we had before.” He paused for a moment.  “You know, if you want to pass the child rape case over to me and combine these charges, I’d be more than happy to take it off your hands.”

 

“Not necessary.”  Stone huffed, and then continued.  “I’m planning to plead him out. He won’t see the kid again and he’ll serve a few years.  I just don’t see being able to make a case for a longer sentence out of this. So maybe the time he spends behind bars in the plea deal will buy you enough time to put together a decent case for murder.”

 

“And what if the murder case never materializes?” Barba asked, feeling his stomach tighten.  “Are you comfortable with him spending a few years in prison for raping a child--his own daughter-- multiple times?”

 

“Of course I’m not.  But I’m a realist. This kid doesn’t talk to anyone other than your girlfriend.  If I put her on the stand she’ll freeze. No testimony there. He’s come up with a half-believable story about the DNA on her underwear.  And there are half a dozen arguments that could be made about why she has internal scarring, and only one of those has to do with Donaghue.  I’m going to ring this bell while I still have it.”

 

Rafael closed his eyes.  He could feel the migraine already starting and suddenly had a much stronger feeling of sympathy for Vanessa, having to work with this asshole every day.  “Good for you,” he said slowly, keeping his eyes closed. “Nobody can make you change your mind. I just hope you’re not doing this because, with the exception of Dr. Rayden and Lieutenant Benson, this girl has nobody else to advocate for her.”  

 

He heard Stone shift uncomfortably in his chair.  Barba opened his eyes in time to see Stone standing, in preparation to leave.  “I appreciate the information, Rafael, and I will be sure to pass along the plea deal information as soon as I have it.”  Picking up his briefcase, he headed toward the door.

 

“Oh, Stone.  One more thing,” Rafael interrupted him.  “When you refer to Dr. Rayden, please do so by her name.  She doesn’t go by ‘girlfriend’ at work or at home. Despite her possibly questionable choice in men, she still deserves professional respect.  She’s damn good at her job and you’d be wise to listen.”

 

At that, Stone smiled condescendingly.  “I’m sure she is. I look forward to working with her more.”  And with that, he left Barba’s office.

 

Rafael dug through his desk drawer until he found the excedrin.  Popping two, he decided now was as good a time as any to take a coffee break.  He grabbed his jacket and headed downstairs.

 

********************************************

“Sometimes I just want to be naked.”

 

She started snickering when he said that.  As long as she’d known him, he always seemed to be taking something off.  Shoes, socks, jewelry, accessories, undershirts, even shirts and shorts. She had come home today to find him lying on the bed in his boxers, watching Netflix and eating chips.  

 

“You sound like Max,” she told him.  “Scoot over and gimme some of those.”

 

He moved over and handed her the bag.  “So, I just want to confirm that your thoughts really are accurate about Stone.  He’s an ass.”

 

“Oho!” she laughed.  “Got to spend some time with the big guy today, huh?”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes.  “Of course I did. Came by my office to tell me that he was planning to plead out Donaghue and that would give ME time to put my murder case together.  Like he’s doing me some favor.”

 

She snorted.  “He’s an ass.”

 

“Yep.”  He took a swig from his beer bottle.  “Want some?”

 

“Your backwash?  As tempting as it is, I think I’m gonna pass.”

 

“Aw, I’m so disappointed in you, Ness.  I thought we were all into sharing bodily fluids.  Isn’t that what love’s about?”

 

She grabbed her pillow and hit him in the chest with it.  “You are such a dork,” she told him. “A gross, nerdy, loveable, sexy dork.”  She suddenly laughed. “That makes you adorkable.”

 

He grinned at her.  “And just think, I’m YOUR dork.”  He took the potato chip bag from her hands.  “Kiss your gross nerdy dork. He missed you today.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  She reached behind her and unhooked her bra, then threw it to the ground, before sidling up next to him.  She kissed him gently and he wrapped his arms around her snugly. “I missed you too today. Do you think it’s wrong of us to be in bed eating chips and it’s not even eight in the evening?”

 

“Umm...no.”  He nipped at her shoulder.  “Wanna watch Food Network? Just me, you, and some awfully good looking desserts…”

 

She kissed him again, then curled up with her head on his chest.  “Whatever you’d like, my sweet dork. I’m gonna be asleep in about ten minutes.”

 

And she was.

 

*********************************************

The phone startled him.  He’d been in a deep sleep, dreaming about making tapioca popsicles with a salted caramel drizzle.  Dina, his old neighbor, had been there, and she kept telling him it was a sin not to add more salted caramel.

 

He glanced at the time and saw it was close to three a.m.; that was when he realized it was Vanessa’s phone, not his.

 

“Babe, your phone.”  He nudged her until she opened her eyes, then handed her the phone.

 

“Huh?  Oh.” She took it from him and clicked it on.  “Hello?”

 

He watched as she sat up quickly, then said, “Is anyone else in the room with them?  Yes, yes I do think she might. Just don’t press her. I will be there as soon as I can get there.  And whatever you do, don’t let anyone come up behind her or touch her head or shoulders. Yes. Thanks.”

 

She was out of the bed, grabbing clothes quickly, and he asked, “What’s going on?”

 

She shook her head.  “It’s Lola. She’s cornered a staff member with a pair of scissors.  I need to get there.”

 

“Hey,” Rafael tried to slow her down.  “Are you sure it’s safe for you to do that?”

 

Shoving a foot in her shoe, she turned to face him.  “The only time she has hurt somebody is when she thought she was going to be attacked.  She doesn’t think I would do that. She just needs someone to show her she’s okay.”

 

He hated this idea.  For all he knew, this child really was unbalanced, really could be manipulating the situation.  He got up and followed Vanessa into the kitchen and watched as she stuffed a few things in her handbag.  “Will you call me as soon as everything is okay?”

 

“What?”  She looked up and suddenly saw the concern in his face, and she exhaled.  “Of course I will, baby. I’m sorry. I promise I won’t take any chances.”  She wrapped her arms around him and he hugged her back tightly, then kissed her cheek.

 

“Be safe, Vanessa.  I love you.”

 

She was at the door with her keys.  “I love you too. I’ll text you in a bit.”

 

**********************************************

Jason met her at the entryway of the building.  “She’s got Omar cornered in the kitchen. I guess she was hungry and wandered in there, and when he tried to guide her back out, she grabbed a pair of kitchen shears and wouldn’t let him pass.  I’ve been trying to talk to her for the last twenty minutes and the only thing she’s done is scream. Literally scream.” Just then, as if on cue, they heard a loud, sharp wail. Vanessa had heard it before, from other victims.  It was the sound of trauma.

 

They rounded the corner to see Lola standing in the middle of the kitchen, shears held in a shaking hand, pointed at Omar.  He was pressed against the wall, trying to calmly speak to her, but Vanessa doubted a word of it was getting through. Lola was panting, sweat covering her little face.  Omar made the mistake of taking a step forward, and she screamed again, waving the scissors at him, and for a second Vanessa thought she was really going to stab him.

 

She stepped into the kitchen and said, low, “Lola.”

 

Lola’s head flipped around.  As soon as she saw Vanessa, she burst into tears.

 

“It’s okay,” Vanessa soothed.  “I’m here and I’ll make sure nobody hurts you.  Can you put the scissors down and come here?”

 

Lola didn’t put the shears down, but began to move slowly toward Vanessa,  “It’s okay, honey. You’re such a brave girl. Come here.”

 

A few seconds later, Lola was within arm’s reach and Vanessa asked, “Can I have the scissors?”

 

“Yes.”  The little girl’s voice was so soft it was a wonder she heard it.  She held her hand out,palm open, and shakingly, Lola placed the scissors there.  Then she threw her arms around Vanessa. Vanessa lay the scissors down on the table for Jason and held Lola with both arms.  She could feel Lola’s whole body was wound tighter than a string and she was shaking head to toe. 

 

“You’re okay,” Vanessa murmured to her over and over.  “You’re okay. Thank you for putting the scissors down.  I know you were very scared.”

 

“Yes!”  Lola’s response was louder than anyone had ever heard her.  “He put his hands on my shoulders! I know why! I know what he was gonna do!” She burst into painful sobs.  “I hate him. I hate Omar!”

 

Omar had moved out of his corner in the kitchen and was standing on the opposite side of the table.  Vanessa had known him for years, through his work at Belle Isle and various advocacy projects. She could tell from the expression on his face that he was horrified by Lola’s reaction.  “Lola,” he asked quietly, “Did you think I was going to hurt you? Because I would never do that.”

 

“Liar!” she screamed at him, then buried her face in Vanessa’s shirt.  “He was gonna...he was gonna do it like my dad!”

 

Vanessa continued to stroke Lola’s back in an attempt to calm her down.  “Lola, did you know that sometimes people might touch your hair or shoulders and they are just trying to be nice to you?”

 

Lola shook her head vehemently no.  “Nuh-uh! Daddy did it, and Lionel tried to hurt me, and Omar was gonna hurt me too!”  

 

Vanessa lowered herself to Lola’s eye level.  “You know, Lola, I have known Omar a long time.  He’s helped a lot of kids. He takes care of them and plays with them and talks with them, and they get better.”

 

Lola’s chin was quivering and she asked, “Kids like me?  Then why he gotta touch my arms?”

 

They both looked at Omar, who was still standing by the other side of the table.  “Lola, do you know why I did that? I put my hands on your shoulders to help guide you back to bed.  I didn’t know why you were in the kitchen but I thought you might be asleep.”

 

Vanessa could see the thoughts swirling in her head  After a minute, she said, “You did it because you were trying to help me?”

 

Omar exhaled.  “Yes, Lola. I was trying to help you.’

 

Lola was pressed against Vanessa, but she pulled out from under her arm.  “You scared me.”

 

Vanessa was so taken aback she almost gasped aloud.   Lola had yet to speak around most people,never mind assert herself.  “Do you want to tell Omar it’s not okay for him to do that?”

 

Chloe was sinking back against Vanessa’s body again.  “Don’t touch me no more,” she commanded and Omar nodded his head.

 

“You got it, Lola.  Now I know and I understand, so I can make better choices around you.  Thank you for sharing that with me.”

 

“I don’t like your hands on me.” Lola said again.  “Don’t do it no more.”

 

Omar nodded again.  “I won’t. I promise.”

 

Vanessa took Lola by the hand.  “Come on, let’s get you back in bed.” 

 

As they meandered down the hall, Vanessa noticed how quiet and peaceful it was.  The ceilings in the sleeping quarters were painted dark blue and had fairy lights hung from them.  There were nightlights in every room. Each child had a stuffed animal they were given upon arrival, and Lola had received a stuffed piglet.  The thing oinked and grunted, then squealed and Lola had been bringing it with her everywhere lately. When they got back to the room, Vanessa noted it was on the bed,and it almost looked as if it felt Lola’s feelings.

 

“Here you go.  Climb on in.” Vanessa pulled the covers back and Lola climbed into bed, then adjusted her covers.

 

“My momma used to tuck me in every night,” she said.  “And she sang to me. In Spanish because she said it’s pretty.”  She pulled her arms out from under the covers. “Hey Miss Vanessa?  You got kids?”

 

Vanessa sat on the side of the bed and smiled at her.  “Yes, I do. I have one little boy.”

 

“Does he get mad when you come talk to me?  Does he miss you?”

 

Vanessa paused for a moment.  “I’m sure sometimes he misses me, and sometimes i miss him too.  But when we’re together, we talk and play and have fun.”

 

Lola nodded.  “He’s lucky you’re his mom.  I bet you’re a fun momma.” She looked down at her fingers for a minute, then looked back up.  “If my momma was here she’d come and get me and take me home. And we’d make cookies and watch all the funny TV and she’d read me Harry Potter.  We were reading Harry Potter when she died. We were only on Chamber of Secrets. I couldn’t read it by myself, it’s too hard.”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “You’re right. That’s a hard one for your age.”  She leaned in a bit. “And you’re absolutely right, if your momma was here, she would come and get you sooner than you could say your name.”

 

“Do you think she still loves me?  Even when I’m bad? Even when I hurted Lionel?  And when I almost hurt Omar?”

 

“Of course she does,” Vanessa reassured her. “You know what?  Your momma’s love will never die. It lives right inside your heart, honey.  Anytime you miss her, you can just look in your heart and she’s right there.”

 

“Are you gonna come see me tomorrow also?”

 

“Yes I will,” Vanessa agreed.  “And you’re going to be just fine.”

 

Lola nodded, then yawned.  “Goodnight, Miss Vanessa. Thank you for being my friend.”

 

“You got it, Lola.”  And after a few moments of dark quiet, Vanessa stood and made her way down the dimly lit hallway.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He laughed softly, bitterly. “You know, it’s affected every single aspect of my life. It was why I fought so hard to go away to school. Why I became a lawyer. Why I’ve always struggled with intimacy. Why I chased Jacob away when he wanted to get married and have kids. And why I still can never say no to my mother.” His voice was shaky, pained. “There is a part of me that could never fix any of this, never move past it. There’s a part of me that’s broken.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm learning to balance this case fic stuff with their story, and I'm hoping it's not coming off as too much of a disaster.
> 
> This chapter is all the emo. All the pain. All the fluff. And there'll be more where that came from.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always, always so appreciated. Thanks for reading!

“So,” he told her on Thursday, “Mami was wondering if we could all have brunch together on Saturday.  She’d like to officially meet Max, if that’s okay.”

 

He had tried to hold his mother off for as long as possible, but she wasn’t going to continue to cooperate forever.  He’d dragged Vanessa along a couple of times for dinner, and she’d been kind and accommodating with his mom, but he was always worried an undercurrent of dislike would develop there.  His mother had very strong opinions about--oh, everything--and she never failed to express them. Vanessa had reassured him that everything was fine, but he still felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

The final straw had come last weekend, when he had gone by his mother’s to assist her in moving a couple pieces of furniture around.  “How come Vanessa’s not with you?” she had asked as soon as she opened the door. When he had explained she was with Max, Lucia had rolled her eyes.  “Mijo. Why on earth didn’t you invite both of them to come with you? I told you, Rafi, don’t fuck this up.” He had muttered a sorry excuse under his breath, but before he had left, she had told him that she expected to meet the little boy next weekend, when she was going to prepare a wonderful meal for all four of them.  “We’re family, Rafael. It’s high time you stopped compartmentalizing us.”

 

So now he stood here, washing dishes up from dinner while Vanessa put things away, trying to make brunch sound like a winning idea.

 

Vanessa smirked at him.  “You’re not happy about this,” she noted.  “I think it’s a lovely idea. What would she like us to bring?”

 

“Seriously?  You want to spend your weekend time with Max having brunch with my mom?”

 

She stopped wiping the countertop and leaned against it, studying his face.  “Actually, yes I do. Max has no grandparents on either side. I have no mother.  If your mom wants to welcome us into her home, I’m actually quite humbled and grateful.  I’m guessing this means she thinks I’m going to hang around awhile before you tire of me.”

 

He felt ashamed then, and he knew she could read it on his face.  “Look,” she said, moving closer toward him, “I know every parent-child relationship has its ups and downs.  Life is like that. But I also know you’re lucky to have a mother who loves you, who adores you. I saw how you missed her, honey.  I saw when you reunited with her. She loves you in a way nobody else can. And you feel the same about her. It’s unique and special.”

 

“You’re right, “ he conceded quietly, then gently kissed her.  “Dishes are done...I’m going to take a shower.”

 

She nodded and smiled as he headed back to the bedroom, then turned to finish wiping off the counters.

*******************************************

 

She had already slipped into a tee shirt when he came out of the shower, dripping wet, towel slung low around his hips.  Giving her his best sleazy smile, he teased “Go ahead, let’s see how strong your urge is to rip the towel off tonight.”

 

She shook her head.  “You’re crazy,” she said.  “Loco.”

 

“Well look at you, learning spanish for me!”  He tossed the towel into the hamper. “I’m impressed.”  Glancing down, he smirked and then added, “And impressive.  But I’m sure you already noticed that.”

 

“You really need to work on your pickup lines.”  She hopped onto the bed. “Also, I have never seen anyone so impressed with their own genitalia.”

 

“You just don’t hang out in the right places,” he teased.  “Anyway, wanna help me out here?”

 

She arched an eyebrow.  “What’s in it for me?”

 

“The amazing self-satisfaction in knowing you are my chosen one.”  

 

At that, she burst out laughing and threw herself back on the bed.  She could hear him laughing too as he opened his drawer to get a pair of boxer briefs.  “You know Rafa’ she began, wiping the tears from her face, “Sometimes I think you toss this ridiculous shit out just to see what kind of crazy linguistic stuff you can pull over on another person.”

 

Now he chuckled.  “Trial prep 101. Doesn’t hurt to keep my mind flexible.”

 

“Hmm.”  He climbed into bed next to her, laying on his chest, head in his hand, supported by his elbow on the mattress.  “You want a back rub?” she asked. “I want to try this new lotion I bought. It’s musky and sexy and very much reminds me of you.”

 

“Really?  Do I smell like a forest or a river with this one?”

 

She snorted.  “Maybe a combination of both.”

 

The sly smile returned, and she swore she knew where this was headed before he even opened his mouth.  “How about a happy ending? Can I get one of those?”

 

“You’re awfully horny for a middle aged man.”  Pulling out the lotion, she squeezed a bit in her hands.  “I’ll warm it up for you first, okay?”

 

He nodded and then lay flat on his stomach.  “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

She rubbed her hands together for a minute, and then began to work on his back.  Starting up at his shoulders, she worked in large, smooth strokes initially, until she had worked her hands down to his waist. She hesitated momentarily at the scarred area on his back.  After a moment, she asked him, “Is it okay if I massage this scar tissue? It can sometimes help…”

 

He made a noise in his throat, then she saw his head nod slightly.  “Yeah,” he answered her quietly. “That’s fine.”

 

So she went back to large strokes, including the handful of belt scars that he never talked about.  Next she began to work in smaller areas with pressure: his shoulders, his middle back, his lower back, his thighs.  She lightly massaged his ass, then moved her hands back up to massage his scars. After a minute, he murmured, “You don’t have to do that.  It’s fine.”

 

She moved her hands away but continued to massage him, and after a minute said, “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

He sighed.  He knew he could trust her.  That wasn’t the issue. The issue was the hot humiliation he still felt inside; the shame he still carried from every single one of those lashes.  They were proof of how unlovable he was. He had been marked and labeled by one of the people who was supposed to love him most. Those scars proved that part of him was and always would be broken.

 

“It’s hard to talk about,” he finally said, and there was a resignation in his voice that she hadn’t heard before. Before she could help herself, she had leaned down and gently kissed the lines of scar tissue, running her fingers and her tongue softly along their edges.  As she reached the end of their length, she felt him shudder beneath her, and realized he was crying.

 

“I know it’s hard to talk about, baby.  I’m so very sorry this happened to you.”  She gently brushed a hand through his hair, then moved up the bed until she was lying beside him.  His eyes were open and small tears ran down the sides of his cheeks. 

 

“My father...he was an abusive alcoholic.  Rageful. For a long time he took it out on other people--drinking buddies, friends, strangers, even my mom--until one day he turned on me.  The first time it happened I was supposed to clean up my toys. I had been playing a game with small parts. I was maybe six, and thought I had cleaned it up, but when he saw the floor and found a couple pieces, he said he was going to teach me a lesson.  He grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me into the front room, told me to bend over, then pulled off his belt and hit me with it. Six times, I still remember. Six times because I was six.”

 

He shuddered again, and she could feel his heart racing inside his chest as she stroked it, attempting to comfort him.  “He didn’t break the skin that day. That happened later. I avoided anything that required me to change in front of other people.  I didn’t want to answer questions. And like you noticed right away, it’s pretty clear what they’re from--”

“I only knew because of my job,” she interrupted him.  “I’ve seen ones like those before.”

 

He closed his eyes and shook his head.  “It’s embarrassing.”

 

“Rafa,” she said evenly, “you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed over.  You did nothing wrong. You were a little boy.”

 

He didn’t realize he had been holding his breath until he suddenly gasped out, choking on a sob.  “I don’t talk about this. To anyone. Ever. Mami, she took me to the hospital when things were bad and convinced them I was clumsy.  I always felt like it was as important, or maybe even more important, for him not to be in trouble as it was for me to get help. And I’m angry about it.  I wish I could say after all these years I wasn’t, but I am. I look at you--” he sniffed and wiped his nose on his arm--”you would never tolerate anyone doing to Max what was done to me.  You’d as soon kill them. And I know all the stats on domestic violence, how long it takes to leave, how dangerous it is, lack of resources...but sometimes I wonder if she ever really realized how much he was hurting both of us.”

 

She didn’t say anything, but slowly ran her fingers over his scarred skin.

 

He laughed softly, bitterly.  “You know, it’s affected every single aspect of my life.  It was why I fought so hard to go away to school. Why I became a lawyer.  Why I’ve always struggled with intimacy. Why I chased Jacob away when he wanted to get married and have kids.  And why I still can never say no to my mother.” His voice was shaky, pained. “There is a part of me that could never fix any of this, never move past it.  There’s a part of me that’s  _ broken _ .”

 

She stroked his hair, kissed his eyelids.  Taking another shaky breath, he said “And I’ve been avoiding this conversation because I didn’t want you to know how broken I am.”

 

She pulled him against her and he pressed his face to her chest, and she could feel his tears wetting her shirt.

 

She finally murmured, “I love you, Rafael.  You are not broken.” Pulling his face up to hers, she whispered, “You are an incredible man, and I just hope one day you’ll be able to see yourself how I see you.”

 

He was sniffling, still trying to calm his breathing, and she leaned over and kissed his lips gently.  “You are one of the best men I’ve ever known,” she told him softly, as she kissed his temple, then the shell of his ear.  “You’re my best friend, and I trust you more than anyone else on this planet.” She stroked his hair off his face, the kissed him again.  “And you are worthy of every bit of that trust, Rafa. You prove it to me every single day.”

 

She could see his eyes following her, tracking as she curled up closer to him, stretched across his chest, gently ran her fingers through his chest hair.  “You are so fucking amazing, do you know that? I’m so blessed that you’re in my life.” 

 

She knew his guard was down, his vulnerability on display for her in a way he’d never shown before.  He looked soft, young, even a bit frightened, and she wrapped him up completely in her arms. “I’ve got you, baby,”  she whispered, and he allowed himself to be comforted.

 

**********************************************

 

They had been having a family dance party after dinner until it was time for Max to take a bath and get to bed.  He wasn’t happy about the end of the festivities, but Vanessa swore if she had to hear Baby Shark one more time she might just saw her ears off.

 

After bath and story and goodnights, she wandered to the front room where she expected to find Rafael setting up the movie they had planned to watch.  Instead, she heard him down the hall in their bedroom.

 

“Psst!  Hey! C’mere!”  

 

She did her best not to laugh or roll her eyes.  This wasn’t exactly a covert mission.

 

Entering the bedroom, he closed the door behind her and pressed her up against the wall quickly, one knee between her legs while he kissed her.  “Mmm,” she moaned softly as his tongue licked gently over her lips, “I thought we were watching a movie?”

 

“I had another idea,” he told her, holding one finger up and crossing the room to his nightstand.  He grabbed his phone and hit a few buttons, and suddenly she heard Chicago’s “Color My World” come on.  He smiled, a little giddy, then held out his hand. “Dance with me, beautiful?”

 

She took his hand and he pulled her in closer. They swayed in rhythm to the music, with a closeness they hadn’t been able to share earlier.  She smiled as she heard him softly singing the words in her ear:

 

_ As time goes by, I realize _

_ Just what you mean to me. _

_ And now, now that you’re near _

_ Promise your love that I’ve waited to share _

_ And dream of our moments together _

_ Color my world with hope _

_ Of loving you. _

 

She loved this man more than words could express.

 

He pulled back from her for a moment, regarding her, eyes glassy, and he said, “Thank you for loving me, even when I have trouble liking myself.”

 

She didn’t know what to say to that, so she leaned up and kissed him deeply.

 

They made love quietly, lost in each other, determined to communicate through their bodies what their words could not.  And afterward, limbs entangled and lips grazing skin, for just a moment, he wished they were back in the bungalow.

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Vanessa continue to build the intimacy of their relationship--both physically and emotionally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this chapter is definitely E. E for pages. I don't know what happened here.
> 
> Also, pillow talk.

“See, I told you it wasn’t going to be a disaster.”  They had just walked in the door after dropping Max off with Bobby.  They had met his mother for brunch before that, and everything had gone swimmingly.  He really almost felt giddy over it, how sweet and funny Max had been, and how much his mother had doted on the little boy.  Everyone had gotten along so well that he almost felt comfortable with the idea of it happening again. Almost.

 

As they were leaving Lucia’s house, he had leaned over to Vanessa and whispered, “This dress needs to come off, and soon.”  When she turned to look at him, he had raised an eyebrow and smirked at her, then taken Max by the hand and led him outside to their uber.

 

Even dropoff with Bobby had gone well.  He knew Vanessa was still angry, but she didn’t show it, and the small talk they made in Bobby’s living room was easy and quick.  He couldn’t help but wonder if she was looking forward to him removing that dress, too.

 

And now they had gotten home, and he had nudged her against the wall, pinning her with a knee between her legs and hands on either side of her shoulders.  He was gently sucking on her neck as she was making observations about their day. “Your mother and Max got along really well, don’t you think?”

 

“Mmhmm,” he murmured, running his tongue over the hickey he had just left and working up to her ear.  “BFF’s.”

 

She snickered at that, and ran her hands over his shoulders and into his hair.  “What are you doing? What are you planning on doing? Are you seriously going to just bang me here by the door?”

 

He bit her earlobe gently, trying not to laugh.  “Not if you don’t want me to.” He reached behind her, unhooking the top of her sundress at the neck.  “You have other ideas?”

 

Ignoring his question, she said, “I have the feeling you’re gonna be that guy popping Viagra at eighty trying to keep up with your seventeen-year old self.”

 

He chuckled.  “I wasn’t doing it when I was seventeen.  Well, mostly not.” He began to unzip the back of her dress.  “I mean, I did it for the first time when I was seventeen, but I got it a lot more in my fantasies than in real life.”

 

“I see.  So this is better than being seventeen?”  

 

He pulled back and smirked at her.  “Oh, absolutely.” He eased the dress down over her hips to the floor and took her hand while she stepped out of it.  She leaned back against the wall again, crossing her arms to cover her breasts, looking self-conscious. “One of these days you’re going to believe me when I tell you that I think you’re beautiful and perfect.  And you’re not going to feel so self-conscious when I want to look at you.”

“See, now THAT’S the fantasy,” she told him.  “You look too much anyway. It’s...awkward.” 

 

“It’s sexy.  YOU’RE sexy.”  He took a step forward, pressed against her near-nude body.  “Here, if it bothers you that much, you can wear me.”

 

She shook her head at him and laughed, then kissed him squarely on the mouth.  “I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” he replied.  “Come on, let’s go find us a bed.”

 

**************************************

They had settled for a chair instead.  It was low and deep, with an oversized cushion in the seat and extra fill in the arms.  It was dark brown leather, a rescue from Rafael’s old place, and she liked it in the bedroom.

 

He had told her at the time that the chair was good for lots of things, and winked.  But they hadn’t tried it before.

 

She was still in her heels, but he had peeled off her panties as soon as they got in the room.  “Humor me? Sit in that chair for a few minutes?”

 

“Oh God,” she pained, “are you seriously going to stare at me again?”  She sat down in the chair gingerly while he stripped himself down completely.  He was already half-hard, and she couldn’t help admiring the view before scolding herself for being a hypocrite.  

 

He grabbed a pillow off the bed and put it in the floor at the base of the chair, then kneeled on it.  “I could stare at you all day long,” he admitted, then gently lifted one of her legs to go over the arm of the chair.  “If you let me, that is. Here, put your other leg over the other arm.”

 

He could see the self-consciousness flit across her face for a moment, but then she acquiesced and did as he asked.  He sat back on the balls of his feet, letting his eyes roam over her body, open and naked for him. She started biting her nails.

 

“I love you, baby,” he said, guiding her hand away from her mouth.  “And I’m going to love you right now, for as long as you want.”

 

He leaned in and began to gently kiss her thighs, tracing between kisses with his tongue. “You’re so lovely,” he murmured, and he felt her hand stroke his hair.  He slowly moved to her opposite side, kissing his way all the way up to her hip, before softly touching her folds with his fingers. He pulled back from her hip and leaned forward to lick her clit.

 

The first touch was electric and she arched and moaned.  As he began to lick and suck her rhythmically, she moaned again, and softly said his name.  He stopped and kissed her thigh. “Okay?” he asked, just wanting to be sure.

“Yes.”   She slid forward just a bit, nearer to him.  “You always feel so good, Rafa. Always.” Her hand reached out to him, to his hair, and gently tugged it.

 

He dragged his tongue over her slit slowly, until she moaned loudly.  “That’s it. Let me hear you, honey,” he murmured to her. He slipped two fingers inside her and thrust gently with them until she arched again, then he lowered his head and continued to lap and suck at her.

 

“Rafa.”  It was difficult to summon the words with the pleasure engulfing everything.  She couldn’t help but move his head gently to the perfect spot, and he stayed there, fingers thrusting in and out of her while his tongue pleasured her clit.  “I’m gonna come, Rafa. I’m so close.”

 

He didn’t stop to acknowledge her, but glanced up.  She was watching him closely, and he suddenly became aware of exactly how hard his cock was right now.  He ran his tongue slowly over her clit once more, then leaned in and sucked until he felt her arch and heard her cry out his name.  He kept the rhythm going for her as she climaxed and found himself wanting to do it all over again. After a moment she pressed a couple of fingers to his cheek, their signal to stop, and he slowly moved off of her.  He withdrew his fingers and slid them into his mouth. She watched him carefully, then quietly told him, “You know you don’t have to do that.”

 

“I know,” he affirmed.  “But I like to.” He stood up, then leaned over to kiss her softly.  “Want some more?”

 

She chuckled quietly.  “I know you do.” Bringing her legs back down, she asked, “What would you like, baby?”  Standing, she said, “You can have anything you want. Tell me what makes you feel good today and I’ll do it.”

 

She wrapped her arms around him at his hips, and was stroking his ass, squeezing and kneading, and he felt good.  His whole body was humming. “Like I can make that decision,” he teased. “It’s like inviting a kid into a candy shop and telling him to pick one.”

 

She laughed softly, and he ran his fingers over a nipple, gently pinching and tugging.  “I want to be inside you.”

 

“Ok,” she said and turned toward the bed.  “How do you want me?”

 

He laughed.  “Aren’t you accommodating?  I have no fucking clue.”

 

She smiled, then climbed on the bed.  “How about doggy style?”

 

“Only if you’ll face the mirror.  I want to watch you, and I want you to watch us.”  She seemed to ponder the idea for a second then nodded.

 

He followed her onto the bed, on his knees, and kissed her.  His fingers tangled in her hair again and she kissed him deeply and passionately.  He pulled her against him, cupping her ass and she could feel his erection trapped between them as they continued to kiss.  He was tracing her teeth with his tongue, tangling his with hers, as he pressed himself against her and continued to knead her ass.  A soft sigh of pleasure escaped her and she suddenly thought she could do this forever.

 

After a few more minutes, she pulled back from him and kissed his hand.  He was watching her, a half smile on his face, eyes sleepy, and she moved down and nipped his hip gently before sucking it.  He made a soft sound in his throat, and she licked the mark with her tongue before moving down and carefully licking his shaft.  She heard his sharp intake of breath and quickly worked her way up to take in the head.

 

She loved doing this for him.  He was so responsive every time, and always so grateful.  He started quickly with the compliments--so pretty, love this, beautiful, you’re so good, I love you, incredible--and she worked his cock into her mouth slowly, until she had most of him in and was looking up at him, eyes wide.

 

The look on her face took his breath away.  Her eyes were wide and focused on his face as she slowly worked him in and out of her mouth, sucking deeply until he was shivering in response.  Instinctively, he knew this was a position that required a lot of trust for her and he had always tried to respect that. He stroked her hair, continual soft praise in his words, and he felt her hands gently cup and roll his balls.  He groaned.

 

He could come like this, just watching her like this, feeling her hands and her mouth on him.  She had once told him that she felt that this was the most intimate act of all. She couldn’t speak and she had to trust him to know and honor her boundaries.  He was determined not to disappoint her. “Do you want to stop?”he asked softly. “Is it okay if I thrust a little?”

 

She pulled off of him, kissing the tip of his cock.  “Yeah, that’s fine...just remember don’t go too hard or I’ll gag.”

 

“Tap my thigh if you need me to stop, okay?”  He watched her nod and then smile at him before she took him into her mouth again, shallow initially, and began to suck harder as he started to roll his hips.

 

He could never put into words quite how beautiful and sexy he found her when they did this.  The fact that she trusted him enough to let him fuck her mouth was an incredible turn on in itself.  And it was good, incredibly good, he thought as he gently rocked back and forth.

 

He reached down and held her head in his hands, thrusting lightly, watching his cock slide in and out of her mouth at a leisurely pace.  Her eyes were closed now and he could feel her fingers stroking his balls and a rampant thrill ran through him. Then he felt her hand stroking his ass, and a moment later she was cupping, squeezing, and fondling him with both hands on his ass, and he suddenly realized she was limiting his range of motion.  She was trying to take him all in.

 

She had done it before but not often, and he was always worried he was going to gag her.  He never wanted her to feel uncomfortable or like his desires came before hers. But now he could feel her guiding him down into her throat.  He looked in her eyes and saw they were watering, and he whispered, “Hey...Ness...don’t hurt yourself. I’m good with anything honey.” He let go of her hair and tried to pull back, but she held on to him tightly and then swallowed again.  His eyes met hers and he swore she was wearing a look of triumph, and she swallowed again, then took his hand in hers and led it to the side of her neck. He could feel the head of his cock pressing into her throat, and he moaned. Loudly. 

 

“Fuck, fuck fuck...I don’t know how you do that,” he gasped, and stroked the side of her throat as though he were rubbing the head of his dick.  “Jesus, Vanessa. We need to stop before I come right now. Fuck, seriously, I’m so fucking turned on and I still want to be inside of you...please honey.”  

 

She let go of his body and he gently pulled himself from her mouth, then watched as she caught her breath.  Leaning down, he kissed the side of her mouth lightly before cupping her chin and meeting her eyes. “You’re incredible.  I just want to make you feel good, honey...you sure this position works for you?”

 

She winked at him, then said, “I think it was my idea.”  She rolled onto her hands and knees, then glancing behind her, said, “Go ahead, go for it.”

 

He laughed, then lined up.  “I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much during sex before,” he mused, then slid in slowly.

 

She moaned softly, then said, “Well, I try to keep things entertaining, anyway.” 

 

He ran his hand up and down her spine for a moment, giving her time to adjust, then slowly pulled back and thrust in again.  “I really do love your body. I know you’re self-conscious about scars and weight and whatnot--”

 

“Low hanging boobs?  Flabby stomach? Flat ass?”

 

“Ha.”  He slapped her ass playfully, then leaned down and kissed her shoulder.  “This body has gotten you through a lot, you know. And I’m quite fond of it exactly how it is.”  He leaned forward and moved her hair off of her neck, then gently kissed her there. Looking up, he met her eyes in the mirror over the dresser.  “Watching us, huh? See how beautiful you are when we move together? Sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“You don’t get out much,” she quipped, but it fell flat, and he kissed her ear before whispering “I adore you.”

 

He felt her body shudder and he began to thrust more quickly, firmly.  She was watching him carefully in the mirror, and their eyes met again.  This time, as he watched her, he leaned over and kissed her temple, pressed his face against hers, as their bodies moved together, until her eyes fell shut.

 

“Feel good?” he murmured into her ear, flexing his hips rhythmically against hers.  He heard her breath hitch, and he thrust more deeply. “Wanna make you feel so good, honey.  So beautiful. Look at you. Love to watch you, Nessa...I love this time with you. Loving you, fucking you.  Wanna come with you, baby. Wanna feel you tighten around me when you come.” He straightened back up, grasping her hips in his hands, and closed his own eyes to the sensation of her.

 

She was watching him again, his eyes closed and hips moving quicker as he sped them up.  He was beautiful, sexy, his expression one of pained pleasure, and she swore he was concentrating.  And then she felt his fingers trace over her clit, and he began to finger her in rhythm to his thrusts, and every cell in her body felt alive.  She moaned his name.

 

“Jesus, Rafael.”  She rocked back to meet him, moving in tandem, feeling sparks shooting through her body.  He continued to circle her clit, and with his other hand, grabbed her shoulder. “That feels so good.  You feel so good. God, just don’t stop.” She leaned down and rested her head on her forearm, changing the angle slightly, and she shuddered again.

 

His hand moved away from her shoulder, stroking her hair, then moving along her back.  He could feel her muscles flex under his fingers and he dragged them down her spine again, speeding up his thrusts in the meantime.  He ran his hand around her waist and up to catch a breast; he gently massaged and tugged at the nipple. “I love your tits,” he commented randomly, breathlessly.  “You could go topless all the time and you’d be my hero.”

 

She made a sound, but he wasn’t sure what she meant, so he slowed down and asked, “Okay still?”

 

“Yes,” she gasped, still rocking back against him.  “I’m just so close right now.”

 

He sped up and began to rub her clit faster.  “Yeah? Hey, honey...do me a favor and look up, into the mirror.  I want you to watch us. And I want to watch you…”

 

She pulled herself back up on both arms so she could see them.  She was flushed, hair askew, a soft sheen of perspiration on her face, and she wore an expression of determination and pleasure.  He sped up, fucking her firmly and quickly now, and she felt like she was on fire. In the mirror, she saw him watching her, mouth open for air, tiny beads of perspiration on his face.  She could see his body moving firmly against hers and hers meeting him effortlessly. His hair was messy and he looked debauched and suddenly, all she could feel was blinding hot pleasure.

 

She cried out loudly and he grasped her hips, fucking her through it, and she was vaguely aware of him more moaning than talking.  “Hermosa, that’s it, that’s it baby. Yes, yes, yes...Jesus, Vanessa, I need you...never want this with anyone else...need you...want you so much...Jesus, oh Ness…

 

He was gripping her hips tightly as he came, and she continued to rock back on him until he held her still.  She could feel him arching and emptying into her, and the thought alone made her want to climax again. As he finished, he guided her down to the mattress and lay on top of her for just a few moments.  As they got their breath back, she said quietly, “I didn’t know I could have sex this good before you.”

 

He kissed her shoulder.  “I love you, Vanessa.”

 

She shook her head for a moment.  “I picked duds for lovers, pretty much.  You always act like I matter. Thank you for that.”

 

He gently pulled out of her and lay his body next to hers.  “Was it just hard to talk about, or did they not understand your body?  Or--”

 

“It was a combination of a lot of things,” she admitted.  “I’ve not always been good about asking for what I wanted.  I had the same romantic fantasies that a lot of young women have--that your partner will just automatically know what you like and be thrilled to do it for you.”

 

He wrapped her fingers in his, and gently kissed her hand.  “I hope you know that if there’s ever anything you want or don’t want, I want to know.  Because honestly, this is the best sex I’ve ever had, male or female, and I think it’s because we can talk about it.  Coupled, of course, with the fact that I’d die for you.”

 

“Hmm,” she teased, “romantic.”

 

He smiled and kissed her forehead.  “Did you like the mirror?”

 

“More than I thought I would,” she said.  “I’d be willing to give it another go sometime.”  She squeezed his hand. “So...you lost your virginity at seventeen, hmm?”

 

“Yeah.  With a girl, anyway.  I was in college before I really explored any heavy stuff with men.  But I had it bad for that girl. I’ll never forget her. Carried her books to class, bought her lunch, spent all my extra time with her for a few months.  I’d never seen a naked woman in person before her. Meanwhile, both of my parents were so scared I was gay that they probably would have bought me a present if they knew we were doing it.”

 

She made a face.  “What’s a present for THAT look like?  A golden condom? A gift pack of flavored lube?”

 

They both laughed.  “What I really needed was a cock ring, so I could last longer than thirty seconds.”

 

She giggled and ran her hands through his hair.  “Well, that’s not a problem now. Why’d you break up with her?”

 

“I was going to Harvard and she was going abroad to study.  And by the end of the school year, we were drifting apart anyway.  I was spending more time with other people. I think we just outgrew each other.”  He ran a finger down her arm from her shoulder. “What about you? How old were you the first time?”

 

“Twenty.  It’s a stupid story, really.  I basically did it to get it over with.”  

 

He looked confused, so she elaborated.  “I never really dated in high school. My aunt, she was raising us, and she had me really focused on doing well in school.  Plus, my dad was an asshole so I was pretty much afraid to talk to boys. When I got to college, I met this guy my sophomore year and for some reason, he didn’t run away screaming, so we ended up dating for awhile.  Like a year. But he eventually broke it off with me because I didn’t want to have sex with him. I was just very body-conscious and was really struggling with some low self-esteem and depression stuff. I spent a lot of time worrying I was going to be like my mother and end up dead.  So he broke up with me. I found out later he’d been having sex with another girl in my dorm. After I found that out, I just decided I needed to go ahead and do it so it wouldn’t be an issue anymore. So I did.”

 

Rafael’s face was a mixture of confusion and sympathy.  “Did you at least know him?”

 

She snorted.  “I guess you could say that.  He was a friend’s brother. We had sex that one time and that was it.  Never spoke to him again.” She was flexing and bending her fingers with his, their hands still joined.  “You can imagine how successful the sexual parts of my relationships were after that.” She was quiet for a moment, then continued.  “I never really enjoyed it. I also never had an orgasm with a partner until Bobby.”

 

He let out a heavy breath.  “What changed everything? Bobby?  Because you’ve always seemed relatively confident in yourself when it comes to sex...other than the fact you don’t like me looking at you for very long.”

 

She shook her head.  “Ironically, it was being raped.  It forced me into therapy and forced me to work out some issues I’d not faced before.  And I just decided that if I truly believed that sex was a healthy, good thing, then I needed to treat it as a healthy, good thing.  And for a long time afterward, having good sex was like a ‘fuck you’ to the man who assaulted me. Like, I’m going to take this back and make it better than ever.  You can’t have that part of me. I won’t let you.”

 

He was watching her expressions, his own eyes tearing up, and he squeezed her hand.  “You are so fucking amazing, you know that? I’m in awe.”

 

She shook her head again, blushing.  “Don’t say that. I’m not. This happens to people every day.  I just happened to have a really great therapist and the willingness to try to fix it.”  She rubbed his chest for a moment. “I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself, especially in our relationship.  When I say you’re the best lover I’ve ever had, I’m not exaggerating. I don’t know why but I always feel comfortable sharing this stuff with you.  You’ve never made me feel like I’m weird or less than for wanting to talk about certain things. And you talk to me, too, and I’m so grateful for that.  I mean, obviously sex isn’t everything and shouldn’t be. But I feel like you and I are really well matched in this area and I’m not about to take it for granted.  Sometimes it’s loving, sometimes it’s passionate, sometimes it’s playful. But I can’t think of a time we’ve had sex that I haven’t felt like you cared about me.”

 

He stroked her cheek.  “I do. I love you more than anything.  And I agree, I think it intensifies everything.  But I hope you know that if for some reason we could never have sex again, you’d still be the love of my life.  I would still want to be with you for the rest of my life. I love you, Ness.”

 

She smiled and kissed him, then curled up against his body.  He wrapped his arms around her tightly, and they lay together, enjoying the closeness.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa sat back and crossed her arms. “Did Peter Stone give you ANY heads up on this case?”
> 
> He shook his head. “Just that it should be a quick process. Her lawyer is amenable to a quick and fair plea deal. I think everyone just wants to make sure this kid doesn’t hurt anyone else, and that she goes somewhere that people can handle her. I called her attorney and I think we can work something out. We’re looking at an eighteen month sentence in juvenile detention. That way she can get services while she’s not endangering anyone else.” He realized she was staring at him, mouth half agape, and he slowly said, “I’m missing something here, aren’t I?”

“Dr. Rayden?”  

 

She looked up from her paperwork to see a tall, well-dressed gentleman leaning into her doorway.  He smiled and stepped inside, quickly approaching her desk. “I’m Travis Lane from Corporation Counsel.  It’s nice to meet you.”

 

She stood and shook his outstretched hand.  “Same. Please, have a seat.”

 

He was young and attractive, she noticed as he sat in one of the chairs across from her desk.  Smiling again, he pulled out a file and laid it on the desk, then reached for his pen. “I wanted to get some information from you about Lola Donaghue before we go to court.  We’re scheduled for nine a.m. on Wednesday. Are you available, should I need to call you?”

 

“Yes, of course.”  She watched him open the file and prepare to take notes, and she bit her lip to keep from laughing at his formality.  “Have you spoken to Lola yet?”

 

He blushed.  “I tried, but she didn’t answer me.  Jason said she mainly speaks to you?”

 

“Yes, but she’s beginning to open up more.”  She watched him jot down her words, and then said, “How familiar are you with this case?”

 

Looking up to her face he replied “Not very...I got it this morning.  Visited her before I came here. She stabbed her foster father twice in the leg and once in the abdomen, correct?”

 

“Yes, she did.  She thought he was going to rape her.”

 

“She told you that?”

 

Vanessa sat back and crossed her arms.  “Did Peter Stone give you ANY heads up on this case?”

 

He shook his head.  “Just that it should be a quick process.  Her lawyer is amenable to a quick and fair plea deal.  I think everyone just wants to make sure this kid doesn’t hurt anyone else, and that she goes somewhere that people can handle her.  I called her attorney and I think we can work something out. We’re looking at an eighteen month sentence in juvenile detention. That way she can get services while she’s not endangering anyone else.”  He realized she was staring at him, mouth half agape, and he slowly said, “I’m missing something here, aren’t I?”

 

“Lola was raped multiple times by her biological father.  Lola has indicated that she heard him murder her mother and left her there with the body.  When she assaulted her foster father, it was after he had put his hand in her hair, the same way her biological dad used to before he assaulted her.  He triggered her accidentally. She’s a nine year old child who has lost the only parent who loved her. She’s been through multiple counts of trauma and your office wants to traumatize her again?”

 

Now his mouth was open, eyes wide, and she could tell he honestly had no clue at all as to what he had walked into.

 

“I-I’m...I was unaware of this additional...information.”  He flipped through the file again, as though paperwork would be there that he was somehow missing.  Vanessa turned back to her computer, brought up her notes and report on the child, and printed them out.

 

Handing the newly printed information over, she smiled.  “I’m guessing this is some of the information you’re missing.  I’ve been working with Lola ever since she was brought in...close to a month now.  What I can tell you is that her mutism is trauma-related. The report goes into detail regarding what she has told me.  There is a definite possibility she could hurt someone in the future, but that’s all the more reason NOT to put her in detention.  She needs indepth, round the clock psychological care right now. Belle Isle can provide that in a nurturing setting. They have been working with her as well for the last several weeks.  If you sentence her to time in detention, I’d strongly recommend you suspend the sentence. Otherwise, she is better served in a group setting like Belle Isle where she can receive round the clock care. This child is going to be psychologically and emotionally destroyed if she goes into the system.  And if that happens I can guarantee you this isn’t the last you’ll see of her. Trust me.”

 

He was writing furiously on his notepad, nodding.  “We have two days...is it okay if I read over this information tonight and we meet tomorrow again to discuss it?  I have a meeting with her attorney tomorrow around three and it might be good if you could be there too. Would you be willing?”

 

“Absolutely.”  She watched him cap his pen, and she reached for one of her business cards.  “Take this in case you need to reach me. It was nice to meet you.” She stood as he did, following him to the doorway of her office and shaking his hand again.  “Feel free to call me if you have any questions.”

 

He nodded.  “Thanks again, Dr. Rayden.  I appreciate your time.”

 

************************************************

 

Rafael wandered into the 16th precinct, finishing his coffee.  It was flipping hot outside for September and he was more than ready for fall.  Despite his determination to always look put together, he absolutely hated the fact he was sweating inside his suit.  He had absolutely no use for sweat when he was working. Save that shit for home. There were better ways to use his sweat.  He grinned to himself, pondering the last time he worked up a sweat, and he wasn’t alone--

 

“Hey Counselor,” Rollins busted through his memories like a shard of glass.  “What are you doing this way?”

 

“You’re about to find out,” Liv told her as she passed by.  “Let’s get this meeting started.” She nodded toward the conference table and the white board.  Fin was already seated, and Carisi was hanging photos up of the Donaghue family. Rollins and Barba followed her and found seats.  “Okay--this is a bit complicated--where’s Vanessa?”

 

As though she heard her name called, Rayden appeared quickly and slipped into the empty seat next to Fin.  “Sorry...Corporation Counsel on the phone.”

 

Liv nodded, then started her review.  “Okay, we’re dealing with multiple cases here involving this family.  I’ve asked Barba to attend because he’s going to be the prosecuting attorney for what we believe to be the murder of Charlotte Donaghue, the mother.  Let’s back up though, and start with the child. Rayden, can you give us a runthrough?”

 

“Sure.  Lola Donaghue, nine years old, first was brought in here four weeks ago after stabbing her foster father in the thigh and abdomen with a pair of scissors.  She is selectively mute, meaning she does not speak to most people, although she has the ability to. In exploring why she stabbed her foster father, Lola stated that he touched her hair and shoulders the same way that her father did before he , quote, put it in her.  She also stated at the time that she had stabbed her foster father so that he couldn’t do anything to her, implying that she thought he would rape her.

 

“In subsequent conversations, Lola disclosed that on the night her mother died, she was also in the apartment.  She had told her mother that her father had been molesting her, and Charlotte told the father, Chet Donaghue, to get out and she didn’t want to see him again.  Lola said that at that point Chet began to hit Charlotte, striking her in the face, and the pulled her down and raped her. Lola ran to the bathroom and locked herself inside.  When she came out she thought her mother was asleep but she couldn’t wake her up, so she stayed with the body overnight. In the morning, she notified a neighbor that her mom wouldn’t wake up.

 

“Corporation Counsel are working out a plea deal for Lola.  They are looking at giving her eighteen months in juvenile detention, suspended, on the condition that she remain a resident of Belle Isle during that time and receive ongoing psychological treatment.  Hopefully that deal will go through this week.”

 

“Thanks, Vanessa.  That brings us to the charges of rape of a minor and child endangerment.  I spoke with Stone this morning. They have struck a plea deal for two to five years.  Donaghue will be allocuting on Thursday, if anyone is interested in attending. One o’clock.”  She nodded toward Vanessa. “Thought you’d want to know.”

 

“Two to five for that?”  Fin’s eyebrows arched high on his forehead.  “That’s a joke.”

 

“It’s supposed to buy time for me to lower the boom,” Rafael interjected.  “The real charge we’re now exploring here is the rape and murder of Charlotte Donaghue.  The coroner has Charlotte’s body now and they’re running extensive testing to see what we may have missed the first time around.  We’re going to need to recanvass the old neighborhood--talk to anyone who spent a decent amount of time around Charlotte, Lola, or Chet.”

 

“And we need to interview Chet’s current family as well,” Benson added.  “His wife and any coworkers or friends. From what I’ve heard, he’s tried to rebuild a life separate from Charlotte and Lola.  We’ll see just how successful he’s been.”

 

“Question--what special thing did we do to get you on this case, Barba?  No offense, but I thought this stuff was supposed to go through Stone, and you and Rayden weren’t supposed to work cases together.”  Rollins looked back and forth between Barba, Rayden, and Benson, waiting for a reply.

 

“Don’t you know better than to look a gift horse in the mouth?”  Carisi was sketching on his paper, but the words came through loud and clear.

 

Rayden cleared her throat.  “As we move forward, I’m staying on the victim side of things, with our living child victim.  Obviously there may be a bit of my involvement, but we are doing our best to keep the two cases separate.”

 

“Just remember,” Rollins leaned forward, teasing, “no pillow talk.”

 

“Oh trust me,” Barba snarked, “the last thing we’re talking about in bed is this case.”

 

“And on that note, I’m out.”  Fin stood and grabbed his pen and paper, heading back to his desk.

 

Rayden shot Barba a look.  “Classy,” she said under her breath.  

 

He gently elbowed her arm, then grinned.  “For you? Classy all day.”

 

*********************************************

They were lounging around on the couch at ten at night, eating cookies and milk for dinner.  She wasn’t sure whose initial idea it was, but one of them had suggested cookies and the other gave it an enthusiastic thumbs up, so here they were with a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies between them and two glasses of milk. 

 

“You know,” he said, biting into his cookie, “Max dunks his cookies just like you do.  He’s so much your kid it’s a little scary sometimes.”

She broke into a smile.  “Well, I’m glad I contributed something to that project...more than just a womb, anyway.”

 

They both giggled a little bit, too tired, too emotionally overwraught, too hungry to be completely rational.  He swallowed his bite of cookie, looking thoughtful, and then said, “You ever think about having another one?”

 

“I’m getting one right now,” she responded, grabbing a particularly melty cookie and licking the chocolate from her finger.

 

He laughed.  “I meant a kid, not a cookie!”

 

“Oh,” she said, then sitting back, “ _ oh _ .”  

 

They’d never had this conversation before, although she’d thought about it several times.  She knew Rafael’s fears of fatherhood, knew his terror of finding he was just a little too much like his own dad.  He was about to turn forty-one, and she was closing in on forty herself. 

 

“Yes, I have,” she admitted after a minute.  “I’ve thought about it.”

 

He pretended to care a LOT about the cookie in his hand, tearing it into bite sized pieces on his napkin.  “Yeah? What’d you conclude?”

 

She swallowed her bite.  “Well, I haven’t. Concluded anything, I mean.  I guess this is a conversation that we really need to have, isn’t it?  I mean, I just turned thirty-nine, and you’re about to be forty-one, so this window of opportunity is possibly super small anyway...at least for me.”

 

“Maybe.”  He half smiled.  “We’d be the old, totally uncool parents.”

 

She smiled at him.  “Are you saying you want to have a baby?  Or you’re thinking about it?”

 

He shrugged his shoulders, trying to seem far more noncommittal than he felt.  “It’s just crossed my mind a couple times, you know, what we would do if you got pregnant.  I guess I didn’t know how you felt about that...I mean, I don’t know how good of a dad I’d be.”

 

She leaned forward and pressed her index finger over his lips.  “If you’re asking me what I would do if I got pregnant right now, I would have it.  If you’re asking me do I think I would want to have your baby, I would. And if you’re asking me if we should think about having a baby, purposefully, I think we should talk about this more.  And soon. In case there’s still a chance.”

 

His eyes were watching hers as he sat silent while she spoke.  When she finished, he kissed her finger. “I want us to think about having a baby,” he said.  “But I also want us to think about getting married.”

 

“Fine.”  She picked up a bite of her cookie and held it to his mouth.  He opened up and she popped it in. “You keep bringing up this marriage thing.  I don’t know if you’re hinting for me to propose to you or what, but you should be patient.  Your birthday is next month, you know.” And she winked at him.

 

“Well, if it eases your anxiety,” he replied, “I believe I would say yes to your proposal.”  He picked up his glass and downed the rest of his milk.

 

“That is good information to know,” she said, nodding her head.  “Excellent information indeed.”

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judge Linden sat in her chair. “This is the case of the State of New York against Lola Donaghue, a nine-year old minor child, who has been charged with assault. Mr. Lane, I understand there has been a plea agreement worked out?
> 
> Travis stood, facing the judge. “Yes, your honor. Lola will plead guilty to one count of assault,and she will receive eighteen months in a juvenile detention facility, suspended. She will continue to receive group care and psychological services at Belle Isle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments and kudos--I absolutely love receiving them and hearing what you're thinking and what you enjoy!

_ Tuesday, 3:00 p.m. _

 

“Dr. Rayden!  Welcome,” Travis Lane extended his hand over the conference table.  “I’m so glad you could make it. This is Juliet Davis, Lola’s guardian ad litum and attorney, and you already know Jason Brooks.”  

 

After introductions, they all found their seats.  “I wanted to start off by thanking each of you for meeting with me.  After my conversation with Dr. Rayden yesterday, it became clear that we needed to all share as much information about Lola as we can regarding the assault on her foster father.  I’m here to listen, and to decide whether the DA’s office is willing to offer a suspended sentence or not. Ms. Davis, would you mind starting?”

 

One by one, they each shared their notes on Lola’s history and behavior, as well as any disclosures she had made in the last month.  She had just begun to talk in individual therapy. She could now sleep through the night some nights as long as a light was on in her room.  She tended to isolate herself away from other children and adults. She went through cycles of binge eating and not eating at all. And she avoided bathing as much as she could.

 

“Is that due to her being attacked by her father?” Travis asked, looking from Jason to Vanessa and back again.

 

“That certainly has fed into it,” Jason responded.  “It’s also a marker of depression. She’s exhibiting signs of depression and anxiety, so she is under close supervision at all times.”

 

Travis nodded his head thoughtfully, clicking his pen top repeatedly.  “Okay,” he finally said. “Juliet, if you’re okay with it, we’re going to offer a plea deal.  Assault with an eighteen month suspended sentence, given Lola stays at Belle Isle and continues treatment there.  Does that work for everyone?” Glancing around the table at all of the nods and the hum of quiet approval, Travis nodded himself, then closed his portfolio.  “We go before family court tomorrow at nine a.m. I’ll make my recommendation, but it should be a done deal. Thank you all again for working with me on this.”

 

Jason and Juliet said their goodbyes and left quickly, but Vanessa hung back.

 

“Everything okay, doctor?”  

 

“Yes, everything is great, thank you.”  She took a step toward him. “I just wanted to say thank you, from me, personally.  You’ve given this little girl a second chance she desperately needs.”

 

Travis sighed and a sad smile crossed his face.  “I’m new here. Stone passed this case on to me with, as you saw, very little information.”  He pushed his chair in, hesitated. “I had to go to the DA to apprise him of what the appropriate sentence would be.  Stone led him to believe juvenile detention would be just fine in this situation.” He shook his head. “I’m new here and I’ve already made enemies.”

 

She reached over and touched his arm.  “If it makes any difference, you did the right thing...and Stone’s an ass.”

 

Travis chuckled softly.  “Well, I guess we can agree on that.”  They both gathered the rest of their items and headed out the door.  “Tomorrow morning at nine?” he asked.

 

“You bet.  I’ll see you there.”

 

***********************************************

_ Tuesday, 9:00 p.m. _

 

“I need to ask you a question, and you can take some time to think about it, no hurry,” she told Rafael as they finished the last of the dishes from dinner.

 

“Mmkay...you’re already making me suspicious.”

 

“Ha ha.  Listen. Now that Max is in preschool and the school is closer to our place than Bobby’s, I’ve been thinking about us altering the custody arrangement to one week on, one week off.  That way we get to see him during the week and we also get some adult time on every other weekend. What do you think?”

 

Rafael finished drying the platter in his hand.  “I think that’s fair, and may be easier for Max anyway than switching back and forth every few days.  Have you mentioned it to Bobby?”

 

“Yeah.  He said he’s willing to discuss it.  But the fact is, we have joint custody and I want my son for all the time we’re entitled to.”

 

He put the platter away.  “You sound a little angry, babe.”

 

“I am angry,” she returned.  “I’m only getting him three days a week, because Bobby wants to play family man with Sally.  He’s got the best of both worlds--playing Daddy during the week when Max is in school and then living however he wants on the weekends.  Do you know he’s been taking Sally to all of Max’s school functions? What functions, you ask? Oh, the ones he forgot to tell me about.”

 

Rafael winced outwardly on her behalf.  “Are you sure? How did you find out?”

 

“Max told me.”  He could hear her voice growing thick with emotion.  “He told me that Daddy and Sally went with him to back to school night, and to meet his teacher.”

 

“Jesus.”  He moved more closely to her, trying to cage her in with hands on her waist, but she moved away from him, sorting out silverware.

 

“I know we were apart for a long time.  I get that, Rafa, I really do. But we’ve been back almost three months now.  And I’m his  _ mother. _  She isn’t.  And if he wants to bring her?  Fine. But at least give me the info on the damn thing so I can make a decision as to what I want to do.”

 

He leaned against the counter.  “Did he just say he forgot?”

 

“That along with it wasn’t my night and he figured I had better things to do.  That school doesn’t really affect my time with him, because we’ve had weekends up until now.  Like if he suddenly got hit by a truck on the weekend, I shouldn’t call Bobby because it’s not affecting HIS time?”

 

This time he caught her, and wrapped his arms around her tightly.  “I think a week on, week off schedule would be great.”

 

She took a deep breath and exhaled.  “Thank you. I’m sorry I’m so bitchy tonight.”

 

He shook his head.  “No apologies needed.  I think we should do something you enjoy tonight, just to help you relax...you want to finish that movie we started?  Or I could draw you a bath?”

 

Her forehead was pressed against his chest, and she kept it there.  “What, you’re not going to offer me sex?”

 

“If you want that, sure.  I just got the feeling that maybe something less...active might be better tonight.”

 

She sighed against him.  “A bath would be lovely. I just need to have a good cry.”

 

Hugging her, he said, “Bathrooms are good for that.”

 

*********************************************

_ 9:00 a.m. Wednesday _

 

Vanessa took a seat in the gallery behind Lola and Juliet Davis.  Jason joined her a minute later, taking the seat next to her. He nudged her arm.  “She had a better night last night--we tried some melatonin and that seemed to help.”

 

“I’m glad.”  The lack of sleep had caused dark rings under Lola’s eyes.  She looked tiny today, morphed by all the adults in the room around her, and she kept looking behind her at Vanessa, as if for confirmation it would all be okay.  Vanessa leaned forward and squeezed her hand. “It’s going to be okay,” she murmured. “We’re all right here to help you.”

 

Lola nodded as the court officer called them to order.

 

Judge Linden sat in her chair.  “This is the case of the State of New York against Lola Donaghue, a nine-year old minor child, who has been charged with assault.  Mr. Lane, I understand there has been a plea agreement worked out?

 

Travis stood, facing the judge.  “Yes, your honor. Lola will plead guilty to one count of assault,and she will receive eighteen months in a juvenile detention facility, suspended.  She will continue to receive group care and psychological services at Belle Isle.”

 

Judge Linden turned her attention to the defense attorney.  “Ms. Davis, is your client agreeable to these terms?”

 

Juliet stood and nodded.  “Yes, your honor. She is.”

 

Judge Linden tilted her head.  “Lola? Do you understand that you will need to live at Belle Isle for the next year and a half?”

 

Lola stayed seated and stared at her hands, before slowly nodding her head.

 

“Can you tell me that?”

 

Vanessa could see Lola’s shoulders hunching tightly.  She leaned forward and whispered, “You can do this, honey. “

 

Judge Linden said quietly,”Please note that the defendant has some communication challenges but has nodded to indicate she understands.”

 

“I understand.”

 

The voice was soft, so quiet that they would have missed it if the room hadn’t been silent.  

 

Judge Linden nodded.  “And do you understand you will need to work with the doctors and staff at Belle Isle so you can get better?”

 

“Yes.  I understand.”  Lola was still staring at her hands, and they were shaking.

 

“Very well.”  Judge Linden adjusted her paperwork.  “The court accepts this plea. Lola Donaghue, for the assault of Lionel Marks, I find you guilty and sentence you to eighteen months in juvenile detention, suspended, with the stipulation that you will continue to live at Belle Isle group home and participate in psychological counseling there.  We’re adjourned.”

 

The gavel struck the desk, and Lola stood up and spun around, wrapping her arms around Vanessa.  “Can I go home now?” she asked, and Vanessa nodded.

 

“You bet, kiddo.  We’ll get you back home right away.”

 

**********************************************

_ 10:00 p.m. Wednesday _

 

She was brushing her teeth, reflecting on the day, when Rafael entered the bathroom and bumped her hip.

 

“I heard things went well today with Lola Donaghue.”  He grabbed his toothbrush and held out his hand for the paste.  She passed it to him.

 

After she rinsed, she said, “Uh-huh.  Judge Linden agreed to the plea they had worked out, so she’s got eighteen months suspended with the stipulation she lives at Belle Isle and continues psychological counseling.”

 

He nodded.  “It’s nice when the system works how it should,” he said, mouth full of toothpaste.  She laughed at him.

 

“Spit before you talk.  Geez, don’t you know the rules?”

 

He swatted her on the ass, then leaned over and spit, rinsing his mouth.  He followed her into the bedroom, climbing into the bed on his side. “I need to tell you something,” he said, lying on his side facing her.

 

“What’s that?”

 

Smirking, he said, “You’re very sexy.”

 

She snorted.  “Thanks. I don’t know how I would have gone on without you telling me that.”

 

“Yeah, I know it would have been tough.  I felt you needed to know.”

 

She burst into laughter.  “Why do you do this? Why do you just feel the need to be so...I don’t know...you?”

 

“I have to restrain it for hours at a time at work, so I guess it does spill over pretty intensely at home sometimes, huh?”

 

She leaned over and kissed him softly, and he caught her chin and gently pressed his tongue against her lips until she parted them.  His tongue ran over hers slowly, lightly, and she suddenly didn’t feel so tired. “I love you, you know,” she told him a minute later, as his kisses moved to her jaw.

 

He held his arms out for her and she curled up so he could spoon around her.  She was lucky and she knew it. And feeling her fingers interlace with his, he knew he was blessed.

 

*********************************************

_ 1:00 p.m. Thursday _

 

Rafael was running behind.  Quietly, he slipped into the back of the gallery and scanned the group.  He saw Vanessa sitting next to Carisi and Fin a couple rows in front of him.  She’d saved him a seat.

 

He slid in next to her, and she smiled and nodded.  He squeezed her knee, then turned his attention to Peter Stone, who was speaking.

 

“--the defendant has agreed to a sentence of one to three years and he will go on the registry.”

 

Rayden could feel Fin’s eye roll next to her, and she elbowed him.

 

“Mr. DeAngelo, does your client accept the terms of the plea agreement?”

 

DeAngelo stood.  “Yes, he does.”

 

The judge nodded toward Donaghue.  “Mr. Donaghue, please stand.”

 

Chet stood, a half smile pulling at his lips.  

 

“Mr. Donaghue, you wish to plead guilty to one count of child endangerment?”

 

Chet nodded.  “Yes, your honor.”

 

“Then in agreement with your plea deal, this court sentences you to twelve to thirty-six months imprisonment at a facility to be determined by the department of corrections.”  The judge tapped the gavel, and the courtroom began to clear.

 

“Well, I guess that’s it for now,” Rafael said, standing.  

 

Fin leaned over into Barba’s space.  “Please tell me you can do better than that in your case.  This guy’s scum, and he deserves a sentence that reflects it.”

 

Carisi shook his head.  “Stone was limited in what he could do.  That little girl is so traumatized…”

 

Just then, Stone approached them.  “Didn’t expect to see all of you here,” he commented.  Turning to Vanessa, he said, “Chet Donaghue has requested and been approved one supervised visit with his daughter at Belle Isle tomorrow, before he’s transferred to Riker’s.  I’m sure Jason Brooks will be contacting you about it today.”

 

“What?” she asked clearly caught off guard.  “He raped her and somebody thinks it’s a good idea for him to have a visit?”

 

Stone looked uncomfortable.  “It was the only way to get him to take the deal.  We agreed to it because he’s going to be supervised the entire time.  It’s a thirty minute visit, doctor. And she IS his child. Chances are, he could go to family court and be approved for ongoing supervised visitation.”

 

She knew he was right, but that didn’t make her any happier about it.  Stone nodded to all of them, then headed toward the exit.

 

“You okay?” Rafael asked under his breath, and he saw her exhale heavily.

 

“Yeah,” she said.  “I just wish for once kids wouldn’t always get the shaft.”

 

**********************************

He’d gotten her in that leather chair again, legs spread wide, and was close to bringing her to a second orgasm when she mused, “Do you think Stone is going to lose sleep over his shitty plea deal?”

 

Rafael pulled back and looked up at her.  “I don’t know, but is that really what you’re thinking about right now?”

 

She sighed.  “I’m sorry. I know you’re working really hard and I’m not cooperating.”

 

He sat back on his heels.  “You want to stop? Whatever you want is okay.”

 

“I’m sorry,” she reiterated.  “I don’t know why I can’t let it go tonight.”

 

He stroked her thigh for a second.  “Because you’re worried about that visit tomorrow.  And it was a shitty plea deal. And Stone’s a shitty prosecutor when it comes to kids...or cases that aren’t easy.”  He stood up and offered her a hand. “And because you’re a good person who cares about that kid.”

 

“And a shitty lover tonight.”  She stood up and headed toward her dresser to pull out a tee shirt and clean panties.

 

He was quiet for a moment, grabbing his own sleepwear, then she felt his arms around her.  “You are not a shitty lover. All I’m gonna say is if you’re not into it, then tell me. I don’t ever want to push something you don’t want.”

 

“I did want to….I just...I’m--”

 

He spun her and pressed his lips to hers firmly for a moment, then pulled back.  “No more sorries,” he said firmly. “I love you and we can continue this another time…”

 

She ran her fingers through his hair.  “I love you madly, Rafael Barba. Thank you for getting me.  Or at least trying to.”

 

He kissed her forehead then.  “You’re my world. Don’t ever forget that, hermosa.”  

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason nodded. “Why on earth that ADA agreed to this, I have no idea. It’s going to set her progress back for sure. And she doesn’t want to see him. She’s asked me at least five times since last night if she had to visit with him.”
> 
> “I’m sorry.” Vanessa took the chair across from him. “It’s terrible that we have to do it. I’m just trying to keep in mind this will likely be his last visit, unless he files for custody when he gets out.”
> 
> “Hmmph.” He stacked the folders on his desk, then picked up his phone. “Ready to do this?”
> 
> She rolled her eyes. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENCE
> 
> Please be aware this chapter contains semi-graphic violence (I don't think it's graphic but somebody else might).

Knocking on Jason’s door, Vanessa peeked her head in.  Jason was reading over a file at his desk. “Good morning.”  She deposited a fresh cup of coffee on his desk, and he smiled in appreciation.

 

“Thanks for that.  You must be a mind reader.”

 

“Ha!  Nah, just human.  So we’re schedule for the visit in about thirty minutes?”

 

Jason nodded.  “Why on earth that ADA agreed to this, I have no idea.  It’s going to set her progress back for sure. And she doesn’t want to see him.  She’s asked me at least five times since last night if she had to visit with him.”

 

“I’m sorry.”  Vanessa took the chair across from him.  “It’s terrible that we have to do it. I’m just trying to keep in mind this will likely be his last visit, unless he files for custody when he gets out.”

 

“Hmmph.”  He stacked the folders on his desk, then picked up his phone.  “Ready to do this?”

 

She rolled her eyes.  “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

 

**********************************

“Doctor Vanessa!”  Lola cried out when she saw Vanessa and Jason approaching.  “You came! Are you staying while my daddy’s here?” Her last sentence was delivered softly, and she scanned the room as if to see who was watching or listening.

 

“Yes I am,” Vanessa replied, “Do you remember everything Jason and I explained to you?”

 

“I think so.”  Lola’s face scrunched up as though she were concentrating hard.  “He’s gonna come visit for a half an hour. I can use anything in the playroom.  I don’t hafta let him touch me anywhere. And you and Jason and Omar are gonna be here the whole time.  And after this, he won’t come back.”

 

Jason nodded and smiled at her.  “Great memory, Lola. He’s going to be here very soon, and remember, he might have a police officer with him.  But he can’t hurt you. We won’t let him. Okay?”

 

Lola nodded hesitantly, then turned to Vanessa.  “Will you play with me while he’s here? I don’t wanna play with him.”

 

Vanessa smiled gently.  “Of course I will. Would you like to draw again today?  Or paint?”

 

“Drawing’s good.  I like those markers--the smelly ones.”

 

“You got it, Lola.”  Jason opened one of the cabinets and began to sort through it before coming up with a large pack of Mr.Sketch markers.  “Will these do?”

 

Lola nodded enthusiastically, and grabbed some paper off of the shelf.  She and Vanessa settled in at the table and began to work on their masterpieces.

 

**************************

At 10:07, the door to the playroom opened and Chet Donaghue, along with a police escort and Omar, the staff representative, entered the room.

 

Lola was seated between Vanessa and Jason, and when she saw her father, her eyes went wide.  Vanessa could feel her stiffen, then start to shake, and she reached for Lola’s hand. “It’s okay,” she affirmed quietly.  “Jason and I are right here.”

 

Chet approached the table and sat across from Lola.  “Hello, darling,” he said softly, a wan smile crossing his face.  “I’ve missed you very much. I see you still like to color?”

 

Lola’s eyes darted to her picture and she froze for a moment, then nodded.

 

“You’ve always been so good at coloring.  Would you draw me a picture so I can remember you?”  

 

Lola was silent, her hand shaking visibly, and she started to color again.  Chet looked at Jason, then Vanessa. “Why isn’t she talking? What have you done to her?”

 

“That’s enough,” the police escort snapped.

 

Vanessa cleared her throat.  “She talks on occasion, but when she is frightened or overwhelmed, she withdraws.”

 

Chet’s gaze tracked to Vanessa, and he appeared to be assessing her.  His eyes tracked to hers, then over her face and down to her chest, where they lingered for a moment before scanning the rest of what he could see.  “And you must be the good doctor I’ve heard so much about. Rayden...Vanessa, is it? I personally wanted to thank you for working with my little girl here.”

 

Not since they had chased down William Lewis had Vanessa experienced such a gut reaction to a perpetrator.  She fought back the nausea and responded firmly, “No thank you’s are necessary.” 

 

Jason was watching the interaction and interrupted.  “Perhaps you would like to draw as well, Mr. Donaghue?”

 

“Nah, but thanks.  I just want to admire my girl here.”

 

From behind Chet, Omar made a noise in his throat, somewhere between clearing his throat and choking.  Vanessa couldn’t blame him. She wanted to choke on this horseshit too.

 

Lola continued to appear to be heavily concentrating on the paper she was working on.

 

“Such a beautiful girl.  Isn’t she, Vanessa? Her mother was attractive, but I always hoped Lola would grow up to have more of a shape like yours--”

 

“That’s enough,” Omar snapped.  “You’ll end this visit right now if you continue to be inappropriate with anyone in here.”

 

Chet held his hands up, as if to say no offense.  “Sorry, sorry...just trying to pay the lady a compliment.  Lola, you like the doctor here, right? You don’t want a different one, do you?”

 

Vanessa saw Jason’s jaw set tight. “Your daughter has done excellent work with Dr. Rayden, as well as her staff therapist.  We don’t switch therapists on a dime here, Mr. Donaghue. This isn’t like a Chinese restaurant.”

 

Donaghue chucked then.  “Of course not,” he sneered.  “What was I thinking?”

 

Suddenly the door to the playroom popped open, and one of the staff stuck her head in.  “Sorry to interrupt, but we’ve got a situation down the hall. Could one of you help?” As if on cue, there was a large bang against a wall and loud swearing that followed.

 

“Omar, can you go?” Jason asked, and Omar nodded.

 

“I’ll be right back.”  Omar quickly stepped out of the room, just as Lola looked at Vanessa and Jason.  “Is everybody gonna be okay?” she asked quietly.

 

Jason nodded.  “It’s going to be fine, Lola.  Omar has gone to help whoever needs it.”

 

Unexpectedly, Chet suddenly stood from the table.  “Well, since you don’t want to talk to me, I think I’m gonna go ahead and go.  He turned to his police escort. “That okay?”

 

“You still have ten more minutes,” the officer replied gruffly, but Chet shook his head.

 

“Not gonna force what doesn’t come naturally,” he said, then nodded to Jason and Vanessa.  “Thanks for taking good care of my baby.”

 

Vanessa and Jason both stood up, and Chet began to round the corner of the table, when his officer pulled him back.  “What the hell are you doing?”

“Just shaking hands.  Relax, man. It’s all good.”  He extended a hand to Vanessa, and she hesitantly shook it, before he extended it to Jason.

 

Jason shook his hand quickly and headed toward the playroom door.  “Good luck to you, Mr. Donaghue,” he said as he opened the door. Lola stood up, pressing her body close to Vanessa’s.

 

“How about you, sweetheart?  Give Daddy a hug goodbye?” He was just a couple feet from the child, and Vanessa could visibly see her shaking.

 

“That’s enough,” she said again, pointing to the door.  “You need to leave now.” Turning to the officer, she repeated, “He needs to leave.”

 

“Just one hug,” Chet repeated, holding out his arms, and the officer gave a tug on his arm.

 

Suddenly Chet pulled away from the officer.  In one quick motion he grabbed Lola by the arm and yanked her against him, one hand in her hair and the other between he and his daughter.  Lola let out an ear piercing scream as Chet appeared to be shoving her body backward and forwards. Vanessa grabbed at the child as the officer and Jason shoved Donaghue to the ground.  

 

Vanessa felt Lola’s body fall heavily against her own just as she heard Jason cry out, “Oh my God.”

 

Buried in Lola’s tiny chest was a steak knife.  Her shirt was covered in blood and she was pale, eyes wide, in Vanessa’s arms.  

 

There was immediate chaos as a variety of staff members rushed into the room.  Donaghue was quickly cuffed and led out of the playroom. Somebody had called 911 and Jason joined Vanessa next to Lola’s body.

 

“Get some blankets,” Vanessa told him, going on autopilot.  Lola could go into shock. Don’t pull the knife or she’ll lose more blood.  Keep her talking, keep her awake. Her years of FBI training were kicking in, and she continued to hold Lola’s head in her lap, on the floor.  “Lola,” she said as calmly as she could,”you’re going to be okay. I need you to talk to me, okay? It’s important that you talk to me...tell me about the picture you were drawing.”

 

Vanessa could hear soft gurgling, see the fear all over Lola’s face.  “I’m right here with you, honey. I’m right here. The doctors are coming.”

 

Voice shallow and soft, Lola replied, “Please don’t leave me.”

 

“I won’t,” Vanessa replied as evenly as she could, and Lola nodded, “I’m staying with you.”

EMT workers arrived then and began to quickly assess the situation.  They soon had Lola on a stretcher with an oxygen mask. One of them turned to Vanessa.  “We’re going to Mercy. Do you want to meet us there?”

 

She shook her head.  “I’m coming with her.  She can’t be alone right now.”

 

He nodded and then said, “Come on.”  And then they were in the ambulance headed to Mercy, with prayers Vanessa didn’t even know she remembered falling from her lips.

 

**************************************************

The damn uber was taking forever.  He didn’t know why the hell they always seemed to drive slower in an emergency, but they did.

 

Liv had texted him a half hour ago, asking if he had talked to Vanessa yet.  “Nope,” he had replied, finishing a pretzel. “Why?”

 

She had briefly explained what had happened that morning in the playroom, and as he listened, something in his heart broke.  All he knew was he needed to get home, to be with Vanessa right now. 

 

Finally they arrived at the apartment building.  Barba handed the driver a tip and hurried inside. 

 

When he finally swung the door open to the apartment, it was dark inside.  Liv had told him that Vanessa had left the hospital a couple hours before, but he hadn’t heard from her, and for all he knew she could be out trying to clear her head somewhere.  He switched on the light in the front room and saw her purse thrown on the couch. So she  _ was  _ home.

 

He toed off his own shoes and hung his jacket up on the coatrack, then loosened his tie, making his way back to the bedroom.  The door was open and the nightstand light was on. Vanessa was sitting in the leather chair, drinking a glass of pinot grigio.  She still had on her bloody clothes.

 

“Hey,” he said softly, approaching the chair and kneeling down.  “I heard what happened. How are you?”

 

She seemed to be somewhere else.  For a long minute she didn’t move anything, including her eyes, before she finally looked at him.  She put the pinot back on the nightstand. “I need to change. And probably to shower.”

 

He nodded.  “Yeah, maybe.  What can I do for you?”

 

Her expression was blank.  “I’m going to take a shower.  Do you want to come?”

He knew she was in shock.  Wrapping his arms around her, he said, “Baby, I am so sorry this happened.”

 

She pulled away from his embrace, stood, and started to strip off her clothes.  At one point she stoped. “Huh,” she mused, “look at that. The blood went straight through my shirt.  Guess I really do need to shower.” Looking back up at him, she asked, “You gonna join me?”

 

“Yes.  Of course I will.”  Following her into the bathroom, he began to shed his clothes as she turned on and adjusted the water, then got in and immediately began washing off the blood.

 

He watched her for a minute, worried that she was depressed herself. He knew she had a history of it, and he’d never seen her so dissociative.  But she was quickly rinsing the blood off so he stepped into the shower.

 

She moved over to accommodate him, standing fully under the water, and he grabbed a washcloth and helped her wash thoroughly.  He turned her around and got the bit on her neck and ear. She poured shampoo in her hair and he scrubbed it for her gently, then guided her to rinse it out.  Her head was back, against his shoulder, and the water was sluicing down her body. She kept her head on his shoulder but arched her breasts up and wrapped one arm around his neck.  She didn’t say anything, and he held on to her like this so she wouldn’t slip. A minute later she turned around and smoothly pressed her lips against his, hard, and her tongue pushed into his mouth.

 

He understood this, understood her, understood the need to be somewhere else at this moment, and he continued to kiss her with as much fervor as she was demanding.  She walked backward into the shower wall and pulled him against her firmly. He moved his mouth from hers to her jaw, her neck. She moaned and then “fuck me like this, please baby.  Fuck me hard right now. Please.”

 

He tangled his hands in her hair and kissed her deeply again, hard again, tongue running over her teeth and lips.  “You tell me to stop if it’s too much?” And for the first time that night, she looked him in the eye and nodded.

 

He pulled one leg up around his waist, lined up, and slid in gently.

 

“No, no.”  She was shaking her head.  “More, Rafa. More. I need to feel you...please baby…”

 

His mind was in overdrive.  He withdrew nearly completely, then thrust back in, hard, and she yanked his hair.  “Yes, oh god, please baby...bang me like that…”

 

He held on to the back of her thigh and began to thrust quickly and firmly, pulling out nearly the whole way before pushing in again.  She continued to tug at his hair and cry out, and he shamefully was lost in the lust of it all. God, she felt so good...so welcoming and hot and wet and tight, like a glove on his cock and he couldn’t help riding the wave of pleasure crashing over him.

 

Gasping, he asked her, “Like this, honey?  Is this what you want?”

 

“Yes,” she cried out, and then bit his shoulder.

 

He cried out in that moment too, and continued his hard and frantic thrusts, and all he could hear above the water was her chant of “more, more…”

 

“Help me,” she cried, and he suddenly realized she was really crying, and he had no idea what to do until she grabbed his hand and shoved it between them roughly.  His thumb found her clit and he rubbed in firm circles as he continued to thrust, He could feel his body thrumming, how close he was, how much he needed to come--

 

“Yes!”  She gasped loudly, humping him hard, and he suddenly thrust as deep and hard as he could and a moment later his cry followed hers, and he clutched to her as tightly as ever.

 

They were pressed tightly against the wall as he began to feel more grounded.  He softly kissed her cheek as he felt the sobs rolling through her body, and he pulled out of her.  Turning off the water, he guided her gently out of the bathroom and to the bed before grabbing a couple of towels to dry off.  As he dried her off, she continued to sob softly, and when he had finally finished drying them both, he climbed onto the bed next to her and opened his arms.  “Come here, hermosa. “

 

And she did.

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He swung around, feeling cornered. “I don’t want to talk about this. I hate talking about this, thinking about it. It happened a long time ago. You know more about it than just about anyone else on this planet except my mother, and if we never spoke of it again that would be too soon for me. If you’re wondering if this will follow Lola the rest of her life, the answer is an absolute yes. Yes, for the rest of her life, she will remember her father tried to kill her. She will remember one of the people who was supposed to love and protect her the most literally shoved a knife into her chest. That memory, that reality, will never disappear. It never goes away. It makes you question who you are and how you could have driven someone else to hate you that much. It makes you wonder if the world would be better off without you.”

“Talk to me.”

 

He had held her earlier as she sobbed quietly in his arms, and they both eventually nodded off into some much-needed sleep.  But a few minutes ago, he had awoken to feel her fingers stroking the forearm he’d wrapped around her stomach.

 

Now she rolled over to face him, hair splayed out on the pillow, eyes slightly swollen from crying.  He thought she had never looked more beautiful, nor more hauntingly sad.

 

She tucked her hands under her head.  “He wanted her to hug him goodbye. When she wouldn’t, he broke away from the officer and grabbed her by the arm.  All I could see was him shoving her forward and back over and over.” Her voice hitched on the last part. “When she fell backward against me, we saw the knife still in her chest.”

 

He made a sound in his throat.  “Jesus, Vanessa.”

 

“Yeah.  So I held her and tried to talk to her as this knife is sticking out of her chest.”  The tears were falling rapidly now, and Rafael tried valiantly to wipe them away as they spilled.  “She was shaking and going into shock, and she just asked me not to leave her. I told her I wouldn’t, and I didn’t until they made me, at the hospital.”

 

Rafael closed his eyes for a moment, feeling his own tearing up.  “How is she now? Would they tell you?”

 

“She came out of surgery successfully and they said she was in critical condition, but her vitals looked good.  If she doesn’t get an infection, she will probably make it.” She laughed suddenly, bitterly. “Probably make it.  We were supposed to protect her, Rafael. I couldn’t keep the monster out of the same room. Out of the same breathing space.”

 

“Hey.   _ Hey. _ ”  He held her head between his hands and met her eyes.  “You did everything you could. All that was humanly possible.  You can’t blame yourself for this one, Ness. You just can’t.”

 

She sniffled, then lay her head on his chest.  He wrapped his arms around her again and felt her fingers begin to play with his chest hair.  “It makes you think about how fragile life is,” she said softly, stroking around his nipple. “Everything we have, everything we take for granted it could be gone in an instant.  The other day I was bitching about Bobby and his immaturity, but you know what? Not once have I ever worried he could harm my son, purposefully or not. I’ve never doubted his love for Max.  And you...Max isn’t even your child, and we are both blessed with the love you shower him with every time you see him. You have no ulterior motive. You only want all of us to be happy. And today just catapulted me into the realization, again, of how many people don’t have that.”

 

His fingers were gently stroking her back, occasionally tangling in her hair.  “I do want us all to be happy. I don’t always know how to get there, though. But you’ve always encouraged me.”  He laughed for a second. “Remember that time Max talked me into letting him paint at the table? And I gave him the full paint jars?”

 

He heard her soft chuckle, and squeezed her tightly.  “The look on your face when I walked in,” she said.

 

He, Max, and the kitchen had been covered in tempera paint.  Rafael’s eyes were wide and reading somewhere between being busted and being horrified.  Max’s little voice had chimed in, “Hey Momma! We was paintin’! And look, Wafi gived me ALL the paints!”

 

He chuckled too.  “I can laugh now, but I swear if you had been angry you would have broken me.  All I knew was I was in large part responsible for the complete devastation of the kitchen...AND your son.”

 

She leaned over and kissed his chest.  “That’s what I mean...in the grand scheme of things,you painting with my kid is such a wonderful, messy thing.”  Her voice broke again. “I’m so lucky to have such wonderful, messy things.”

 

“I owe you a balcony swing.  I think I’m going to start it soon.”

 

“You don’t have to.  Balcony swings aren’t that trendy in Manhattan.  Maybe we could settle for a hammock.”

 

He thought about that, his fingers absently running back and forth over her ribcage.  “A double hammock would fit, and it would fit us, too.” Trying to make her laugh, he waggled his eyebrows at her.  “We could give it a test run too, just like the swing.”

 

She pinched his nipple.  “I have it under good authority that kind of stuff is illegal here in Manhattan.  You can get arrested for sex in public. Weird, I know.”

 

He stroked her hair.  “When are you planning to see Lola next?”

 

She sighed.  “In the morning, if she’s awake.  I want her to know I’m still here for her.  I talked to Bobby and he’s going to keep Max this weekend, and we’ll get him at the beginning of the week.  I don’t want Max brought into this emotional mess.”

 

He nodded.  “Mind if I tag along to the hospital?  I’d like Lola to get used to my face, since she will quite likely be a witness at some point...if she can communicate to do it.”

 

“Of course you can tag along.”  She touched her nose to his. “But there is one condition.”  Tears welled in her eyes again and her smile shook. “Will you hold me the rest of the night?  I just feel safer with you--”

 

“Consider it done.”

 

*****************************************

She woke suddenly to the sound of rain tapping on the windows.  Rafael was sleeping soundly next to her, his breathing even and relaxed.  The clock read 2:37 a.m. Quietly, she slipped out from under his arm and climbed out of bed.  Fumbling in the dark, she managed to find a tee shirt and grabbed a pair of panties from the drawer.  Pulling the items on, she left the bedroom.

 

She didn’t know what she was doing, only that she still felt her skin crawling.

Listlessly, she checked her phone, and after seeing she had no new notifications of any kind, she went into the kitchen and poked around for a snack, but nothing appealed to her.  She finally settled on a half-empty tub of Chubby Hubby. Rafael had laughed when she picked it out. “Aw, look! They named an ice cream after me.”

 

She had snorted.  “Except neither applies, but let’s not get into details, right?”

 

He had kissed her temple.  “Please. We both know I’m pleasantly plumper than I used to be, and the hubby thing is just a matter of time.”

 

She had laughed aloud at that, then held his hand through the rest of the store, thinking about how lucky she was to have found the one person who fit with her.

 

Now she settled on the couch with the ice cream and a spoon before turning on the TV and finding a cooking program.

 

A couple minutes later she was joined by Rafael, who had grabbed his own pint from the freezer.  “You’re eating my ice cream,” he noted. 

 

“You have Cherry Garcia.  Don’t complain.” She popped one of the pretzels in her mouth and chewed.

 

He took a bite of his ice cream, then said, “So we’re watching food network tonight?”

 

She shrugged.  “It was either this or Dateline, and quite frankly, the real world is a little too much for me right now.”

 

He nodded but didn’t say anything, just kept working on his ice cream.  After several minutes of Chopped, he mused, “I could eat this whole container and still have room for more.”

 

“It’s the miracle of ice cream.  There’s always room for more ice cream.”  Snorting, she added, “Don’t tell Max I said that.”

 

He chuckled, but didn’t answer her. 

 

She finally put the television on mute and turned to face him.  “Can I ask you something?”

 

He stirred his ice cream.  “Sure.”

 

She hesitated, then said, “How old were you the first time you had to seek medical treatment because of your dad?”

 

He felt his heart accelerate and his breathing caught in his chest for just a minute, before he exhaled and said,”I dunno...maybe six?  Seven?”

 

“Did you ever worry he could kill you?”

 

Rafael shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, re-folding his legs on the cushion and wishing desperately that the burning he felt in his cheeks would disappear.  “Uh...yes. I did sometimes think that. Mainly when I was really young and didn’t understand that there’s a long distance between a fracture and a coffin.”

 

She was watching him carefully now--it felt like assessing--and he squirmed in his seat under the pressure of her gaze. 

 

“But now, as an adult, do you think he could have been capable of it?”

 

Swinging his legs off the couch and grabbing his ice cream, he answered shortly. “I don’t know.”  He went back to the kitchen to put the ice cream away.

 

She followed him and watched as he shoved the pint in the freezer and closed the door, resting his forehead against it.  Quietly, she said, “You’re still scared of him, aren’t you?”

 

He swung around, feeling cornered.  “I don’t want to talk about this. I hate talking about this, thinking about it. It happened a long time ago.  You know more about it than just about anyone else on this planet except my mother, and if we never spoke of it again that would be too soon for me.  If you’re wondering if this will follow Lola the rest of her life, the answer is an absolute yes. Yes, for the rest of her life, she will remember her father tried to kill her.  She will remember one of the people who was supposed to love and protect her the most literally shoved a knife into her chest. That memory, that reality, will never disappear. It never goes away.  It makes you question who you are and how you could have driven someone else to hate you that much. It makes you wonder if the world would be better off without you.”

 

She stepped forward, into his space, and cupped his face.  “I’m so sorry I brought it up. I’m so sorry, Rafa.” The pads of her thumbs swiped at his tears, and his hands wrapped around her wrists.  “I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t know why I did.”

 

He shook his head.  “It’s okay,” he pushed out.  “I just hate talking about it.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out what was so wrong with me that he couldn’t stand me.  It took forever to realize that maybe the problem wasn’t me...maybe it was him.”

 

She was gazing at his face, studying his expression.  “Do you know what I know?”

 

“Hmm,” he responded, thumbs gently rubbing her wrists, “what’s that?”

 

“That you are the most precious thing in my life, and one of the most precious people.  I feel angry with your father, but I feel sorry for him too. Clearly he had a lot of personal issues, but even more than that, he missed out on what could have been the most incredible relationship of his life.  He missed out on a son who is smart and loyal and moral. A son who is loving and tries his damnedest to care for the people around him. A son who I think is pretty much the definition of a good man. He missed out on a relationship with a son who is  _ special. _ ”

 

His breathing hitched at a sob in his chest, and as the tears fell, he said, “So this is the night when we cry, huh?”

 

“Well,” she acknowledge, wiping her own eyes, “I wanted a buddy.”

 

He laughed mid-sob.  “Thanks for thinking of me.”

 

“No problem.”

 

*******************************************

They arrived at Mercy’s ICU the next morning.  When Vanessa checked in, the nurse nodded immediately and said, “She has been asking for you--I just need you to sign in.  You’re on her list of approved visitors…” Glancing at Rafael, she said, “And you are?”

 

He reached into his jacket pocket to retrieve his ID.  “Rafael Barba. I’m with the DA’s office.”

 

After copying ID’s, signing in, and getting visitor’s passes, they were finally allowed to enter the unit, and the nurse escorted them to Lola’s room.  “Just so you’re aware, no more than two visitors at a time, and we must insist you stay no longer than an hour a day right now. She’s had major surgery and is on several medications...she needs to rest.”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “We’ll make sure to leave in an hour.  Thank you.”

 

Rafael opened the door for her, and they both entered the room.  Lola was in bed, with several wires and tubes connected to machines.  Her eyes were closed and she looked tiny to Vanessa--tinier than usual, anyway.  Vanessa pulled up a chair and sat down next to her, and slipped their hands together.  Rafael stayed closer to the door, not wanting to overwhelm the little girl.

As she felt Vanessa’s hand in hers, Lola slowly opened her eyes.  “Doctor Vanessa,” she said slowly, blinking as though she couldn’t quite believe Vanessa was there.  “Am I gonna get dead like my mom?”

 

Vanessa squeezed her hand.  “No, sweetheart. The doctors fixed your cuts but your body is tired and trying to get better.  How do you feel?”

 

She closed her eyes and slowly opened them again.  “Tired. And thirsty.”

 

“I’ll check if we can get her a drink.”  Rafael quickly opened the door and stepped out of the room.

 

Vanessa turned back to Lola.  “Do you remember him? That’s Mr. Barba.  He’s a lawyer.”

 

“Like Mr. Stone?”  Even now, Vanessa could feel the anxiety Stone’s name brought up for the little girl.

 

“No.  Not like Mr. Stone.  Mr. Barba is here to help you.  He is a friend of mine and wants to make sure you’re okay.”  Vanessa eased the hair back from Lola’s face. “Mr. Barba is a very good man.”

 

Lola nodded slowly, just as Rafael returned with a small cup of water.  He handed it to Vanessa, then stood next to her by the bed. “Hi Lola,” he said quietly.  “My name is Rafael Barba. I’m going to help make sure that your dad can never hurt you again.”

 

Lola took a few sips of her water, then handed her cup back.  Looking from Vanessa to Rafael, she said, “I don’t know if that’s gonna work.  My dad is gonna kill me.”

 

“No, he won’t.”  Vanessa calmly but firmly squeezed her hand again.  “He is never going to see you again, honey. We will make sure of it.”

 

Lola yawned.  “Good,” she murmured.  “Doctor Vanessa, I don’t wanna die.”

 

Vanessa felt Rafael’s hand squeezing her shoulder.  “And you’re not going to.”

 

************************************************

“That was heartbreaking,” he told her once they were home and changing out of their clothes.

 

“Yeah, I know.  I told you.” She hung her blouse back up in the closet, then turned to face him.  “Why is it that whenever this kind of stuff happens, or stress, or life, I just want to have sex with you now?  It’s like my coping mechanism. Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with me that I feel that way.”

 

He was pulling a tee shirt over his head.  “I think there are far worse ways to cope with stress than having sex with a person you’re in a committed relationship with.  A person who loves you and wants to help you feel better, take care of you.” He leaned over and kissed her mouth gently, then pulled back.  “We both are guilty of that. Don’t forget that I’m very fond of that strategy myself. So maybe it’s both of us.”

 

She placed a hand on either of his hips and cocked her head to the side.  “Yeah, maybe. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because of our first time--you know, stress release and all..”

 

He caught one of her hands.  “Come on. Let’s have this conversation in bed, rather than standing in the middle of the closet.”

 

She followed him to the bed and sat down next to him.  Turning to face him, she said, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable in the shower last night.  I know we don’t normally do that, but I just...I needed to be free of that memory of her stabbing for a minute.”

 

“I understand.”  He was tracing an abstract design on her thigh with his finger.  “I just worry about hurting you when you want to be so...enthusiastic.”

 

She smiled, then stroked his cheek.  “You didn’t hurt me. Trust me, I’ve been hurt before, and you aren’t even in the ballpark.”

 

He knew instinctively that she was referring to her rape.  They had never talked about it in detail. He also knew now was not the time to push.  She had been through enough in the last thirty-six hours; that story could wait for another time.  “I do trust you,” he said. “I’m trusting you to be honest with me about all of this. You know how important it is to me that you’re enjoying whatever we do...whether it’s slow lovemaking or hard and fast in the shower.  I just need to know that it’s good for you.”

 

“It’s good for me.”  Her fingers stroked over his cheek again, tracing the lines and planes in his face, eventually tracing his lips back and forth.  He opened his mouth slightly and she let her fingers wander. He kissed them, then sucked them, as she watched.

 

“To be honest with you,” he said quietly, “I’d really love to spend the rest of this afternoon right here in bed with you.  Making love. Making you feel good. Making you come, watching you come. Being inside you. What do you think?”

 

“I think sometimes you have the best ideas,” she answered, and he pulled her closer to taste her skin.

  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now, though, she needed to believe in him more than ever. He was passionate and unyielding in finding justice for victims; she needed to believe more than ever that it was possible for a prosecutor like him to succeed in an office that seemed to value numbers more than anything else. She had watched Stone work, precariously unaware of how his actions impacted the many lives his cases touched, and she held more respect for Rafael than ever. She wondered if she put him on a pedestal or if he really was that good. Except right now she needed to believe he was that good. She needed to know he could affect change, seek justice tempered with mercy. Especially with the Donaghue case. Especially with Lola.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, life has slowed me down a bit on this project, but I'm hoping to make more progress soon. 
> 
> Your comments and kudos are so appreciated, as always.

She lay quietly next to him, listening to the rain pattering against the window again.  She swore she’d never seen so much rain in her life as the last eighteen months. 

 

The irony of that statement nearly made her laugh out loud.

 

Listening to his breathing, soft and steady, always seemed to calm her nerves, quell her mind a bit.  Ironically, watching him in a courtroom evoked none of that calm--she knew how he worked. He was like a predator, evoking a false sense of comfort, of rhythm and routine, before he turned on his prey with a quick snap.  A well-placed hole in testimony, a well-built foundation of guilt. She had watched Rafael Barba trip a hell of a lot of bad people into his traps. She used to find it irritatingly admirable. If she were completely honest, there had been times it had bordered on undeniably sexy.  His passion for his work had made him an asset to the team, and a formidable opponent. But his compassion with victims...it was something she hadn’t seen much in person prior to their time in witness protection, but definitely heard about as she worked with networking and providing resources.  These victims, they knew his name. They remembered him. They trusted him to protect them on the stand. She had worked with enough attorneys to know that was a rare skill set for a prosecutor.

 

Now, though, she needed to believe in him more than ever.  He was passionate and unyielding in finding justice for victims; she needed to believe more than ever that it was possible for a prosecutor like him to succeed in an office that seemed to value numbers more than anything else.  She had watched Stone work, precariously unaware of how his actions impacted the many lives his cases touched, and she held more respect for Rafael than ever. She wondered if she put him on a pedestal or if he really was  _ that  _ good.  Except right now she needed to believe he was that good.  She needed to know he could affect change, seek justice tempered with mercy.  Especially with the Donaghue case. Especially with Lola.

 

He was lying on his side now, turned away from her for once.  They never slept this way, but she had worn him out and he had fallen asleep before they could spoon like they normally did.  She had left him alone, trying to be respectful of his space. Sometimes she felt she sucked up too much of it. 

 

She knew he was worried about her, about what she saw, what she experienced.  He had done everything he knew to do, knew about what she responded to: holding, soothing, showering, sex, talking, cuddling.  And she had responded by eating ice cream and asking inappropriate questions about his childhood. He knew vague details about her own childhood, knew it wasn’t a cakewalk, but he had never put her under a microscope for his own benefit.  He’d never tried to pry her open for his own distraction.

 

“You’re thinking too loud, honey.  I can hear you.”

 

Of course he could.

 

“Sorry.”  She moved closer to him, wrapping her own arms around him, and kissed his shoulder.  “Not just for thinking loud. For...for being insensitive sometimes.”

 

His hand settled over hers.  “It’s okay, Ness. Let it go.”

 

She was silent for a moment, feeling his fingers stroke over hers, warm and loving.  “No. It’s not. You’ve never done anything like that to me and I’m sorry.”

 

He rolled over and caught her face in his hands.  “I cost you a year with your son. I really think I can let this one go.”

 

Her eyes filled with tears, and she didn’t even know why, but she voiced her truth to him like she always tried to do, and said, “I’m scared.”  And suddenly she felt the fears--all of them--full force: this wouldn’t work for them. She had unrealistic expectations. He would eventually resent her.  She had too many issues. She’d lose joint custody of her son. She couldn’t continue doing the job she used to excel at. Hell, she couldn’t even close her eyes right now to sleep without seeing a child being stabbed within an inch of death.  

 

Lola Donaghue would die.  Chet Donaghue would walk.

 

Rafael nuzzled closer to her, interrupting her thought process. “Hey, you remember our agreement?  Your job is to tell me you love me. My job is to tell you we’ll be okay. And listen to me, sweetheart-- I don’t care how fucked up everything feels right now, at the end of the day we have each other.  We’ll be okay.” Smiling gently, he wiggled his fingers against her belly where he knew she was ticklish. “Your turn.”

 

“Rafa…”

 

He licked the side of her face cartoonishly to make her laugh.

 

“Okay, okay!  I love you.” 

 

He butterfly kissed her nose.  “Prove it. Lick my face.”

 

“You are so disturbed.”  She extended her tongue and placed a small lick near the finger pointing to his cheek.  “There. Happy?”

 

“Yes.”  He kissed her forehead.  “We’re going to be okay, Ness.  I mean it. Believe me?”

 

She couldn’t help but smile at him.  “I’m trying.”

 

************************************************

“Daddy says we always have cereal for breakfast before preschool.”

 

Max was picking at the cheese toast she had provided him to eat for breakfast, making a face.  He had arrived the night before, ready to spend a full week with them, and Vanessa was cursing the timing of everything.  She still was trying to make it to the hospital to check in with Lola before she had a ten a.m. meeting with a rape victim.

 

“And that’s okay,” she said, handing Max a cup of water.  “But here sometimes we eat stuff that isn’t cereal.”

 

“I drink juice before preschool.”

 

“Today you drink water.”  She took the insulated mug of coffee from Rafael, who was wisely holding his tongue, and loaded it up with flavored creamer.

 

“I think I wike breakfast at Daddy’s better, Momma.  This is not so fun.”

 

She sighed.  “Max, I seriously don’t have time for this today.  I have to get across town. We need to go in a couple minutes.”

 

“Hey,” Rafael elbowed her gently, “I can take him, you know...I don’t have to be anywhere for a couple hours.”

 

She shook her head.  “I said I could do this--”

 

“Yeah, and you can, but not on a day that you’ve got to be at the hospital in--” he checked his watch--”forty minutes.”

 

She swallowed hard, casting a glance at his sympathetic eyes, and then at her son, who was still poking at the cheese toast as though it were going to rise up and attack.  “I need a minute,” she said, then hurried to the bedroom, eyes filling with tears yet again.

 

“Hey Wafa, where’s Momma going?” she heard in her wake.

 

“Oh, just getting her stuff.  You about done?”

 

She could hear Rafael encouraging Max to finish his breakfast, and quickly wiped the tears from her eyes.  She didn’t know why she was so emotional. This wasn’t the first time she’d had a hard case. This wasn’t even the first time she’d dealt with a child who had been horrifically assaulted.  She had even profiled cases of murdered children. But for some reason, this was different. This hit her harder, made her question her abilities in all sorts of fragile places. But there wasn’t time for that kind of insight right now.  

 

Re-emerging from the bedroom, she handed Rafael his suit jacket, and he smiled gratefully and kissed her cheek.  “Thanks. Headed out?”

 

“Yes,” she nodded.  “I’ll text you when I have a chance today...you remember his classroom and everything?”

 

“Yep.  We’re good.”

 

“I ‘member, Momma!”  Max raised his hand in the air.  “I’ll tell Wafa if he gets confused.”

 

She smiled and kissed Max’s cheek.  “I know you will, baby. Have a good day and be good for Rafa, okay?”

 

“Okay.  Have fun at the hospital, Mom!”

 

Her eyes met Rafa’s for just a moment, and he smiled encouragingly.  “Thanks, baby.”

 

***************************************************

Barba hurried down the hallway of One Hogan Place to Jack McCoy’s office.  He hated to be running this close to late. Checking his watch one more time, he saw that he was one minute late already.

 

“Mr. Barba.”  McCoy stood up from his chair as the secretary ushered Barba in.  “Glad you could make it. I appreciate you making time to discuss this particular situation.”

 

Barba nodded, taking the seat across from McCoy.  “Of course.”

 

McCoy took his seat behind the desk, and immediately turned in his chair.  “I’m assuming you already know the plea deal that Charles Donaghue had taken regarding his daughter’s assault?”

 

“The sexual assault, yes.  I understand that he accepted one to three years on Thursday with the stipulation he would see his daughter--”

 

“A ridiculous stipulation that we’ll be paying for in a myriad of ways.”  McCoy sniffed disdainfully. “If it wasn’t so early I’d pull out the scotch and toast to questionable ethics.”

 

Barba cleared his throat.  “I’m under the impression that Mr. Stone thought that it was necessary to close the deal.”

 

McCoy pursed his lips, regarding Rafael with a furrowed brow and fingers drumming on the edge of his chair.  “Tell me again why I didn’t put you back at SVU.”

 

Rafael smiled awkwardly.  “Because there was an opening in homicide...because we thought it was the best move considering…”

 

“I understand Dr. Rayden was present when the attack of this child happened.”

 

He nodded.  “Yes, she was.  She witnessed the entire thing.”

 

McCoy continued to regard him with a raised eyebrow.  “Where are we at with the wife’s exhumation?”

 

“The ME is still completing the report.  I understand, though, that the toxicology report indicates a high level of opiates in Charlotte Donaghue’s system, consistent with what we know of her drug abuse history.”

 

“That gives us nothing.”  McCoy pulled his chair closer.  “Warner is checking for other means of death?”

 

He nodded.  “Yes, but she said it will take awhile.  I’ve asked her to be as thorough as she can, but to keep in mind this could be a DV case.”

 

“And with the daughter...you’ll be charging attempted murder?”

 

“Already filed.”

 

Jack sighed and sat back in his chair.  “Is there going to be an issue with Vanessa having to testify for you?  She’s excellent on the stand, but you need to remember she will be there as a witness to the attempted murder, not as a profiler or an expert witness.”

 

“I understand.  I don’t think there will be a problem, but if you’re concerned--”

 

“I could, what?  Hand it over to Peter Stone?”  McCoy chuckled, but there was no humor in the sound.  He stood from his seat. “I want to be apprised of this case every step of the way, Rafael.  Prepare to be keeping me up to date regularly. We can’t afford to lose this one. The way that would play out…”  He stopped speaking, shook his head briefly. Extending a hand, he said, “Thank you again for coming in.”

 

Barba shook the hand extended to him.  “Thank you for your time, Jack.” Picking up his briefcase, he made his way out of the office.

 

**************************************************

“Ssh!  You’ll wake him up!”  He was shushing her, yet again.  She’d been insatiable lately, not that he was complaining, but they’d only done it once before when Max was in the apartment.  He didn’t relish the idea of explaining what he was doing to Max’s mom to the three-year old.

 

She bit him on the shoulder, giggling.  “Oh come on, he’ll sleep through anything!  Did you see how he could barely keep his eyes open at dinner?”

 

“Hmph.”  She had pushed him onto the bed, straddling him.  “You don’t want to talk about it, do you?” 

 

“Talk about what?” she asked, unhooking her bra and slipping it off of her.  She tossed it onto the chair. Before she could put her arms on either side of his head, he caught her hands in his.

 

“The whole reason you’re so gung ho on this.  I’d love to think it’s because you can’t get enough of me, but we both know that’s not the case.”

 

Her mouth had been sucking another bruise to his throat; it froze and he felt the pressure disappear.  A moment later and she was untangled from him and moving off of the bed.

 

“Ness...hey, don’t do that.”  He was up, following her over to the dresser as she quickly grabbed a nightshirt and tossed her blouse into the hamper.

 

She wiggled out of his grip, then turned to face him.  “No, Rafa, it’s okay. You’re right. I can’t keep doing this to distract myself...I need to just deal with it like an adult.”

 

He didn’t know what to say, how to respond, how to bring her back to him.  But the wall he hadn’t felt between them since they first landed in North Carolina suddenly seemed to be resurrecting itself, and he didn’t know how to make it stop.

 

She had climbed back into the bed, facing away from his side of the bed, and for a moment he considered letting her lie alone.  Maybe that’s what she wanted. Maybe she needed some space. But selfishly, he didn’t want it, so he asked, “Can I still hold you?”

 

And she turned to him and smiled softly and nodded through her tears.  So he pressed his body against hers again, taking her in his arms as he had for over a year now.  He pressed his nose into her hair and breathed in her shampoo, ran his fingers over the skin on her belly and her hip, traced the scar there like he did every night.  And he heard her, soft like she always said, “I love you, Rafael.”

 

And he kissed the back of her head and said, “We’re gonna be okay.”

 

Maybe that wall wasn’t there after all.

  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa continues to struggle balancing work and home and begins to look for solutions. 
> 
> And it's helpful to have a true partner to help pick you up when you fall.

For not the first time in a very short time, Vanessa felt the crunch of the clock as she ran to pick up her son.  On the verge of being late yet again, she rounded the corner to his classroom out of breath. The young woman who stayed until the end of the day glanced up at her with the same grim smile Vanessa had come to expect after the last couple of days.  Clearly “Miss Amber” wasn’t a fan of staying until the last minute.

 

“Hey, honey,” she said, grabbing Max’s jacket off the rack and holding it out for him, “I’m here!  Let’s get your stuff--I’m sure Miss Amber wants to go home.”

 

Max glanced up from the puzzle he was working on and sighed.  “Okay Mommy.” Turning to his teacher, he said, “Bye, Amber. See you tomorrow.”  He made his way to Vanessa and took his jacket into his hands.

 

“Don’t you want to put it on?” she asked, carrying his backpack with her bag on the way out of the building.  “It’s chilly out here.”

 

“No it’s not.  It’s just wight, Mom.”  He shoved the jacket under his arm.  She took his hand and led him down the sidewalk toward their apartment building, lost in her own thoughts.  

 

She had spent several hours at Mercy again, meeting with Lola’s therapists and doctors.  The little girl was still in critical condition, and the doctors were worried about infection.  She was conscious the majority of the time but would not respond to most people when they spoke to her, and Vanessa and Jason had been tag-teaming to assist in encouraging communication between the child and the hospital staff.  She still felt a sharp pain in her own gut every time she looked at Lola, and was reminded of her own shortcomings in not being able to stop what she felt she should have known was coming. Both long-term, and short-term, she thought, had it really been that unpredictable?  

 

“Momma!  Can we get a treat?  Please?” Max was pulling her toward the window of one of the bodegas, and she could see the individual candies by the register that always seemed to call to him.  Exhausted, she continued to lead him away, but he yanked her arm. 

 

“Ow, Max!”  She turned to him and pulled him toward her sharply.  “That hurt! Don’t yank me. And no, we’re not getting candy.  It’s time to go home and have dinner and a bath.”

 

Max stood still, lip pouting.  “Daddy gets me candy.”

 

She stood back up and tugged gently on him.  “Good for Daddy. Come on.”

 

Begrudgingly, he moved slowly next to her.  “So does Wafa. One piece. I can even get chocolate.”

 

“Great, Max.  I’m glad Daddy and Rafa are nice like that.”

“You’re not, Momma.  You’re mean sometimes.”  He was still moving slowly, bottom lip out, making sure she knew exactly what he thought of her anti-candy decision.

 

“Good,” she replied.  “It means I’m doing something right.”  She opened the door to the building and led Max to the elevator and upstairs.

 

******************************************************

“But I don’t want the dino ones!  I want the trains! You said I could wear the trains tonight!”

 

He was standing buck naked in the middle of the bathroom, arms crossed again, and she was beyond exasperated.  

 

Taking a breath, she said, far more calmly than she felt, “I know I did.  But someone forgot to start the washer last night, so they aren’t ready. It’s the dinos tonight.”  She didn’t mention that it was Max’s favorite buddy, Rafael, who was supposed to start the laundry but hadn’t.

 

“No!” Max’s foot came down hard, and in his anger, he missed and stepped on Vanessa’s.  

 

She yanked her foot up quick.  “Jesus Christ! Enough, Max! Go to your room, now!”

 

“Momma!” His little voice escalated to a loud wail.  “I want my trains!” Picking up the dino pajamas, he threw them into the hallway, just in time to hit Rafael in the chest with them.

 

Vanessa spun around and swatted Max on the behind, then got down in his face.  “I said enough,” she said, low, and even she could hear the rage in her voice. “You go to your room and you put those pajamas on and I don’t want to hear another word.  Do you understand me?” She suddenly realized she had him by the arm tightly and let go. His eyes were welling with tears and his body was starting to shake, but before she could respond, Rafael had reached between them to pick the little boy up.

 

“Come on, amigo...let’s go get you ready for bed, okay?”  Max willingly lay his head on Rafael’s shoulder, and soft sobs escaped from his body.  Rafael quickly carried him into his bedroom, and Vanessa swore she could hear her own blood rushing in her ears.

 

There weren’t enough words in the english language to describe how much she hated herself in that moment; how embarrassed, ashamed, and horrible she felt in losing it with her own son.  He wasn’t quite four and deserved far better than this. Standing, she went into the front room and grabbed her purse and her keys. Heading toward the door, she heard Rafael. “Where are you going?”  he asked, and his voice sounded weary.

 

“Out,” she replied, and quickly left the apartment.

 

********************************************

“You want some more?”  Rollins offered her a refill, but she shook her head.  

“No, thanks.”  She put her glass down on the table and shook her head.  “I’m losing it, Amanda.”

 

Rollins sank onto the couch next to her, sipping her own wine.  “What do you mean?”

 

Vanessa laughed sarcastically to herself.  “I took Max’s head off tonight for being three.  God forbid a three-year old acts like he’s three.  Rafael’s going to give up and move out if I don’t get my shit together--”

 

“Did he say that?”

 

“No,” she confessed, “but I feel it.  I feel like I’m just sucking the life blood out of everything and everyone around me.”

 

Amanda nodded.  “I can relate. You know, SVU can really drain you.  You’ve hardly gotten back, and you’ve had so much going on with the Donaghue case...I’m sure you feel responsible for what happened to that kid.  You’re not, but I would feel that way. I think we’re sometimes expected to be superhuman, and sometimes we buy into our own hype.” Nudging Vanessa in the arm, she added, “You’re legitimately going through a rough time, Ness.  There’s nothing wrong with saying that.”

 

Feeling her chin start to wobble, Vanessa laughed again, softly this time.  “Here we go again. All I seem to do is cry.” Amanda handed her a tissue, and she dabbed her eyes.  “And yell. And want to have sex.”

 

“Oh yeah,” Rollins replied drily.  “I’m sure that last part is driving Barba right out of the house.”

 

Vanessa shook her head.  “You might be surprised.”

 

Amanda was quiet for a moment, and then said, “At the risk of sounding like you or Liv, have you considered talking to someone about this?  Maybe it’s too much for you to do all on your own right now.”

 

“Maybe.”  She shrugged, still wiping away her tears.  

 

*************************************************

When she got home, there was a note on the table, in Rafael’s handwriting.  She opened it.

 

“Ness,

He’s fine.  I’m fine. You’re going to be fine.  Dinner’s in the fridge for you. If I can help, let me know.  I love you.

And no, you’re not a shitty mom.

Love you, Rafa”

 

She ate, she bathed, and she climbed into bed.  He adjusted his arms around her, leaned in and kissed her head, whispering “I love you”.  And she fell into a restless sleep.

 

**************************************************

Flipping through a couple magazines, she killed a few minutes as she anxiously waited for her turn.  Tapping her foot and strumming her fingers also relieved some anxiety. She was tempted to pull out her phone and scan emails, but she knew phones were supposed to be off in here and she shouldn’t be focusing on work right now anyway.

 

It was 4:07 now.  Her appointment was at 4:00.  She wondered, briefly, if people felt this annoyed, this ready to crawl out of their skin, when she was running late.  She made a mental note to remember her current discomfort the next time somebody held her back from meeting with a victim.

 

Moving slowly around the room, she read the walls.  Posters about mental health, how to raise confident kids, keys to self-esteem.  Brochures on a variety of subjects, but nothing that she felt she either didn’t know or particularly interested her.  Finally, the door to her left opened, and a petite, dark haired woman a few years younger than her stepped out.

 

“Vanessa,” she greeted warmly, extending her hand, “it’s so good to see you again.”

 

Vanessa shook her hand and smiled.  “Hi Renata. Thanks for taking time for me.”

 

*****************************************************

“Hey Mommy,” Max said as he speared a green bean with his spork, “when do I go back to Daddy’s?  How many more sleeps?”

 

“Just one,” she told him, watching as he began to gnaw on the end of the bean.  “Daddy is going to pick you up on Saturday. Today is Friday, so you go to sleep tonight, and then tomorrow you’ll go back to his house.  Okay?”

 

Max nodded.  “I wike green beans, Mom.”

 

She smiled.  “I’m glad. I like them too.”

 

“Me three,” Rafael grinned as he took a sip from his water glass.  “Green beans and chicken and mashed potatoes.”

 

Max laughed.  “We have chicken at Daddy’s too but it’s in nuggets.”  Glancing at Vanessa, he said, “Is that okay, Mom?”

 

She patted his hand.  “Of course it is.”

 

Max smiled, then looked at Rafael.  “Wafa and I gotted a piece of chocolate on the way home from preschool too.  Is that okay?”

 

“Yes.”  She swallowed the choking feeling in her throat and tried to smile again.

 

Max had stopped eating, and was poking at his chicken.  “Momma, and you’re not mad any more, wight?” The little boy’s gaze went from one adult to the other, and then he said, “Wafa said you needed a break but I knowed you were weally, weally mad.”

 

She put her fork down and took a deep breath.  “You’re right. I was really mad. But I wasn’t really mad at you.  I was mad at somebody else who hurt someone I care about. And that made me feel mad and sad and frustrated.  And then when I got a little frustrated with you, all the mad I felt came out. Does that make sense?”

 

“Yeah.”  He nodded.  “One time I gotted weally mad when Daddy said I couldn’t have ice cream and I yelled and I stomped and he said I couldn’t have it still and all my mad came out I think.”  He looked at Rafael. “Wafa, does your mad come out?”

 

Rafael felt his stomach clench slightly.  He’d managed to stay on the periphery of this whole incident, and the whole discussion.  He wasn’t crazy about the idea of exploring his anger with a preschooler. “Um, I try not to let it come out around other people.”

 

“Then where does it go?”

 

He looked at Vanessa with a deer-in-the-headlights expression, and she said, “Rafa talks to other people about when he’s mad...and sometimes he also uses his mad to help people who are hurt.  When he’s mad he wants to make things better for them, and his mad gives him more energy to do that.”

 

“Wow,” Max said, eyes big.  “Like the bunny on TV? The one that keeps going?”

 

Rafael and Vanessa were still looking at each other, and she suddenly laughed.  Feeling his stomach unclench at the fact he was just compared to the Energizer bunny, Rafael chuckled himself and answered, “Something like that, Max.”  Finishing his last bite of potatoes, he added, “And I think your mom got something ready for you tonight, also.”

 

“Mmhmm.”  Vanessa tousled Max’s hair.  “Train pajamas.”

 

“WHAT?!?”  Max’s mouth made an exaggerated O.  “WEALLY?”

 

“Yep,” she confirmed, handing him another napkin.  “But they’re clean so you need a bath before you get in them tonight.  That’s up next. And Max--” she turned to face him fully. “Momma’s so sorry she yelled last night.  I’m sorry that I spanked you and that I held you tightly. I made some mistakes and I’m going to do my very best not to do those things again.”

 

“Okay, Momma.”  He shoved the end of a green bean inside his mouth.  “My butt didn’t wike it when it gotted a spank.”

 

Rafael snorted, and Vanessa nodded at Max.  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

 

***********************************************

 

Max was home with Bobby, and Vanessa was sitting at the kitchen table, listening to the silence.

 

Rafael was due back any minute from brunch with his mother.  Vanessa had bowed out and he had understood. She needed some room to breathe.  Part of her didn’t know what she had been thinking, demanding a week at a time with her son, and then part of her realized they would eventually iron this out and make it work.  She had made some mistakes this week, some big ones, but she was determined to learn from them and not make the same ones again if she could help it.

 

And Rafael.  He had saved her ass, supported her, been her partner in every way.  He’d never once complained. He’d picked up her slack. She had fears, but she didn’t know how much of them were realistic and how much really were coming from her own insecurities.

 

She heard the front door open and close, and he ambled into the kitchen, looking ruggedly handsome.  Well-fitting jeans, a dark navy pullover sweater with a white button up underneath, and the weekend scruff she was so fond of.  He was smirking at her, because of course he was.

 

“Hey,” he greeted her, bending down and brushing his lips across hers.  As their lips touched a second time, he stroked the back of her head. “Missed you.  Did you have a good afternoon?” As if he suddenly remembered the small box in his hand, he gave it to her and added, “Oh...here.  Cake.”

 

She smiled and opened it.  “Not as good as cake, but it was quiet.  I needed the quiet.”

 

He rested against the edge of the table.  “It’s been a rough week for you.”

 

She shook her head.  “No, babe. You can say it.  It’s been a rough few months and getting worse.”  She licked a small bit of frosting off her fingers and cleared her throat.  “I have a therapist. I mean, I had a therapist from a few years ago. The rape and all, you know…” She glanced nervously at his expression, and he saw fear flit through her eyes.  “I went back to her.” She closed the cake box and pushed it aside. “I’m not myself right now.”

 

He sat still, regarding her, and she tried not to fidget.  It was one of those times that she felt he could see inside of her, read her thoughts.  She knew he felt she could do that to him, and with the shoe on the other foot, she had to admit it was a bit unnerving.

 

Finally he spoke.  “I’m really, really glad you’re trying to take care of yourself, honey.”  His hand reached over to her arm, and his fingers gently rubbed up and down.  “I don’t know how to help, but I want to. Whatever I can do.” Suddenly he turned and sank into the chair next to her, and pulled it around to face her.  “Look, Ness...you and I have been through some of the toughest shit imaginable together, and we pulled each other through it. I would not have walked out even half of a decent man if I hadn’t had you to rely on, to talk to, to grow from.  If this is my turn to help you out, I’ve got you. I’m supposed to be your safe place to fall.” He looked down at his own hands, then slowly raised his eyes back to hers. “Sometimes I worry that you are thinking it’s too hard, having me enter your life like this.  Or crossing our paths professionally, it’s too much of a challenge. Or that I’m butting into or adding stress to your life with Max, or Bobby...I just want you to remember that I’m fully committed here. Always.”

 

She felt the relief choke her, and it stuck in her throat for a long minute before she released it and said, “I’m really glad to hear that today.  Really, really glad.” As he wrapped his arms around her, she whispered, “Like, you don’t have any idea right now how glad I am.”

 

Cupping her face, he kissed each eyelid, then her nose, before pulling back.  “We have the whole afternoon. Why don’t I show you how committed I am? You up for that?”

 

Snickering inappropriately, she said, “Shouldn’t that be my line?”

 

“Funny.”  He pulled her up from the chair and hooking his thumb in her belt loop, tugged her in the direction of the bedroom.  “It’s not us unless we can make inappropriate comments during traumatic moments.”

 

“Ha,” she responded, patting his ass.  “Witness protection will do that to a person.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like it was important for Vanessa to acknowledge how overwhelmed she is, and to recognize her own at-risk behavior and seek help for it. 
> 
> I'm not sure at this point how much this story will delve into conversations in the therapy room, but this is my shoutout to de-stigmatize mental health issues. Therapy should never be a shameful thing.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Vanessa celebrate his birthday.

Vanessa knelt in front of Max, straightening his jacket.  “Now we’re only going to be gone a couple days, and I’ll facetime you on Sunday when we get back, okay?  And you’ll come back over to our house next Sunday, like usual, right? Daddy will help you count the sleeps.  It’s nine, but your dad will help you remember.”

 

Max sighed loudly.  “I  _ know,  _ Momma.  It’s okay.  I’m almost four, you know.”

 

“In January.  It’s not even November yet.  You still have almost three months and that’s a long time--”

 

Rafael nudged her.  “Ness.”

 

Now she sighed.  “All right. Give me a kiss goodbye, and tell Rafael goodbye and happy birthday, okay?”

 

“Okay!”  Max leapt into her arms, hugging her tightly.  “Bye Momma! Have fun! Bye Wafa! Have fun on your birthday!  Don’t eat too much cake or you’ll throw up like me at my lastest birthday!”

 

Rafael grinned and bent down to hug Max.  “Thanks, buddy. I’ll remember that. Have fun at school, okay?”

 

“Okay!”  Max unzipped his jacket and hung it on the hook as Vanessa and Rafael watched him from the classroom doorway.  Realizing they were still there, Max ran up to them once more, then threw his arms around Vanessa. “It’s okay, Mommy.  I’ll be here when you get back! Wight at Daddy’s, waiting for you.”

 

She hugged him tightly again, placing a wet kiss on his head.  “Have a great day, kiddo,” she said, then let Rafael guide her back to their rental in the parking lot.

 

*********************************************

“So, you gonna tell me where we’re going or am I still supposed to guess?”  He was looking up from his phone, taking in the road now that they had left the city.  The highway wasn’t overly busy and the area was pretty on this crisp fall day. The sun was out and the air was brisk, and he wasn’t sure if it felt like his birthday or the beginning of a cheesy horror novel.

 

“Hmm.  I think you can guess, still, can’t you?”  She adjusted her sunglasses and set the cruise control.  It was beautiful scenery to drive through, and they would be there shortly.  “It’s not that long of a drive...maybe another hour.”

 

“Okay.”  He lay his phone down, surprising her, and watched out the window.  “Upstate New York in the fall, huh? It is very pretty here. Different than the south.  Remember what we were doing a year ago?”

 

She laughed.  “Yeah, getting ready to do that community fall festival thing at the coffee shop.  And you refused to wear a costume.”

 

“I didn’t refuse...I just didn’t have a good one.  I looked like a dime store version of Johnny Depp.”

 

“Ha!  You were a very handsome pirate.  You would have been a more convincing one if you hadn’t tried to go dressed in your polo shirt and khakis.”

 

He chuckled with her, remembering his absolute disdain and discomfort.  That seemed a lifetime ago. “Speaking of Halloween,” he remarked, “it’s fantastic that Bobby is letting you have Max, even though it’s technically his day.”

 

She nodded.  She herself had been surprised that Bobby had been so accommodating, but he acknowledged that she deserved this year’s holidays, considering she had missed last year’s.  They had agreed to split the holidays once they got into the new year. As much as Vanessa wanted to believe Bobby was being kind, she couldn’t help but wonder if he had alternate plans with Sally, and that was his motivation.  In the end, though, she and Rafael had agreed it didn’t matter, because they got to have Max with them.

 

They drove with light conversation and occasional music.  Rafael dozed in the passenger seat for a little bit and Vanessa stole sips of his coffee.  Finally, she pulled onto a winding dirt road that led to a small cabin. “Hey, sleeping beauty,” she teased before kissing his temple, “wake up.  We’re at the castle for the birthday party!”

 

He breathed in heavily and looked around, getting his bearings.  “Hey,” he noted sleepily, “we’re in the woods.”

 

“Very observant.”  She opened her door and climbed out.  “Actually, not so much...the main lodge is just up that path--” she pointed to a path along the road they came in on, “and the lake, as you can see, is right behind us.”

 

He glanced over his shoulder, and a brilliant smile emerged as he got out of the SUV.  “Wow.” Just beyond the small cabin was a large, beautiful lake, and he could see a dock leading down to the water.  Looking around, he noticed a few other cabins on the shore as well. He turned around completely and, farther up the hill, he could see a large lodge that was well-lit and inviting.  All of the cabins and the lodge were constructed of logs.

 

Vanessa had opened the back of the SUV and was gathering their bags.  “I know you’re a city boy, but I thought this might be different...and fun?”  She shut the back door. “Anyway, it’s fully stocked inside, there’s all sorts of amenities in the main lodge, so if this is too much roughing it we have options.”  She glanced at him, then nodded toward the cabin and handed him the key. “Would you like to do the honors?”

 

“Sure,” he grinned, then jumped ahead of her and stuck the key in the lock and opened the door.

 

They stepped inside, and he surveyed the room.  There was a full kitchen area to his left with a small table right past it.  A large bay window overlooked the lake directly in front of him, and there was a fireplace to his left with a smart TV hung over it.  A sofa faced the fireplace/TV area, and a door led into another room. Vanessa had already headed through the doorway, and he followed her, into a ridiculously comfortable bedroom.  A king sized bed was against the back wall, and he suddenly realized the fireplace was for both rooms. They had a beautiful view of the lake, and as he peered past her into the bathroom, he noted the large raised tub and separate shower.  “How long are we here?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “I think it’s not long enough.”

 

“You’re probably right,” she told him before collapsing onto the bed and kicking her shoes off.  

 

He looked her up and down.  “I have an idea. Let’s make a fire here and then we can have sex.”

 

“Huh.  Good one.  We’ve never done that before.”

 

He bounced down on the bed next to her before squeezing her thigh.  “Yeah, I thought really hard on that one.”

 

She tickled his side.  “I could tell.” Nodding toward the wall, she said, “Hey, if you hit that switch, all your dreams will come true.”

 

Looking from her to the wall, he noticed the switch and stood to flip it.  The fireplace came on immediately, and he used the dial next to it to adjust it how he wanted it.  “This is fascinating,” he said aloud, dialing the flames up and down. “I’ve never seen the point before, but I could fiddle with this for awhile.”

 

“Well quit,” she told him.  “Come fiddle with your woman.”

 

He turned back to the bed and smiled.  “Gladly.”

 

********************************************

They woke up in the late afternoon and finished unpacking before sitting on the deck facing the lake with a glass of wine.  

 

It seemed like ages since they had done this, and Rafael couldn’t help but remember that afternoon long ago, when the weather was a chilled rain, and Vanessa had asked him to make love with her.  Fuck her, he corrected himself, and it seemed so odd that a little over a year ago it had been exactly that, and now it wasn’t. Now even when it was playful or dirty or rushed, he considered it making love.  He couldn’t imagine touching her and not having the feelings he had rushing through his body. 

 

His mind went to Abuelita’s ring in his bag.  They had talked about it, getting engaged on his birthday.  She had teased that she would ask him to marry her tomorrow, but he was determined one of them would ask and if she didn’t, he certainly would.  He had never been more sure of anything. He may not always be sure of a lot of things, but he was absolutely sure that he wanted to be with this woman for the rest of his life.  

 

“What are you thinking about?”  She interrupted his thoughts quietly, her face and body more relaxed than he’d seen her in months.  She was slightly smiling at him, and her eyes were soft and glowed in the sunlight.

 

He ran a finger over her hand.  “You, actually. Us. How nice it is to do this.”  He shook his head softly. “I took it for granted when we had it all the time before.  I tried not to, but…”

 

“But you were missing your old norm.  I know. Me too.” She was holding her wine glass now with her other hand, and took his empty hand in hers.  “I love you, Rafael. I’m so glad I get to tell you Happy Birthday this year.”

 

He squeezed her hand.

 

*******************************************

They made dinner together and put on an 80s music channel, which provided endless amounts of singing, dancing, and laughing.  They ate and they drank and they played an old version of Trivial Pursuit they found on a shelf, and then they fell into bed, tipsy and high on each other.  They made love until they were sated. He made her call him Rafael when she came, and when she didn’t do it the first time, he told her he had to bring her again because she didn’t follow the rules.  “Oh no,” she told him, “I think I might just forget your name for good.” And his eyes narrowed before he said, “Baby, I’m gonna  _ make  _ you forget my name.”  

 

At one point she would have sworn she almost did.

 

And when they fell asleep wrapped around each other, lost in one another’s feel and scent and essence and soul, she knew she would love him forever, no matter what happened tomorrow.

 

She had felt it before, at the bungalow.  And it was marked on her, on who she was. She loved him in every way she knew how.

*************************************************

God but she felt self-conscious.  For the life of her she couldn’t remember why she had allowed Amanda Rollins to talk her into such an... _ extra  _ of a dress.  She didn’t wear shit like this.  She was too heavy, too short, and she was used to looking like a six.  Rafael wouldn’t say that, but if she was honest, good days were maybe a seven.  In this, she looked like an eleven. As in a Spinal Tap,  _ “this one goes to eleven.” _ Extra. 

 

It was a champagne-colored little number, which is probably why she had agreed to it, because even SHE knew it was classy enough to be worn to other functions.  It was a shift style with a soft lace overlay, and hit her in all the right places to give the illusion of curves that looked more alluring than they actually were.  It was low cut in the front with a dipped back and had straps with no sleeves. “How the hell am I supposed to keep my boobs up in that thing?” she had asked when Amanda had pulled it from the rack.

 

“There are solutions for these situations,” Amanda had reassured her.  “Trust me.”

 

So now she had her tits taped up in some weird braless solution a small-boobed woman had convinced her to try, She smoothed her hair down flat and tucked it behind her ear, clasping on a pair of rhinestone earrings she had taken from her mother’s things when she was a child.  She slipped her feet into a pair of pumps that matched the dress and walked back and forth for a minute to make sure she wasn’t going to fall flat on her face. Finally semi-convinced she wouldn’t make a complete fool of herself, she left the bedroom.

 

Rafael was standing at the kitchen counter, looking strikingly handsome, and she could smell his cologne from where she stood.  It made her smile. He was in an extremely well-fitted black suit and tailored white shirt, and his tie was a striking red. She was a little surprised that it was one of his more conservative looks, but he took her breath away just the same.  She could see the scruff on his jaw, and she knew he had grown it for her. It made her wet to think of it.

 

He looked up when she entered the room.  Shifting his weight so that he was standing straight, his eyes traced her up and down before his tongue darted out and licked his lips.  “You look beautiful, hermosa...like there’s a special celebration.”

 

“Hmm.  I heard there was...something about a birthday.”

 

“Let me guess.”  He relaxed his stance, leaned his arm on the counter and his hip jutted out.  “You’re the present.”

 

She smiled sweetly.  “If you’re lucky.”

 

He laughed.  “I already was twice since we’ve been here, but I’m happy for all the luck I can get with you.”

 

She rolled her eyes.  “That’s bad, especially since we both know I’d give it up right now if you said you’d rather fuck than eat.”

 

He stood up, grinning, and moved over to her.  “I know. We’ll do both. Eat, then fuck. But first, let me tell you.”  His hands ran from her shoulders down her arms, then cupped her face. “You are so beautiful.”

 

“Such a gentleman,” she teased, gently kissing him, “it’s your birthday and here I am, getting the presents.  Shall we go?”

 

“Absolutely.”  And they made their way to the main lodge.

 

*************************************************

After an amazing dinner, they agreed to take a walk on the sidewalk by the lake.

 

Fairy lights lined the trees along the lakeside.  Families were still playing along the shoreline, and they could hear singing and laughing, and smell smoke from grills where people were cooking.  “This is an amazing place,” he commented. “We should bring Max here sometime. I bet he would love it.”

 

“Oh, you know it,” she laughed.  “We’d be pulling him out of that water, even in October!  He’d probably be the same if we ever went back to North Carolina…”

 

They settled on a bench facing the lake.  “Do you ever think about that?” he asked, turning to look at her.  “Going back? I mean, to visit?” He chuckled nervously. “See what’s happened to the old place?”

 

“The shop or the bungalow?”

 

“Both.  Either.”

 

“Yeah, sometimes I do,” she admitted, looking over the water in front of them.  “It’s so odd when you think that somewhere you relate with some of your worst memories also has some of your best memories.”

 

He squeezed her hand again.  “Yeah. Things I don’t ever want to forget.”  He turned to face her. “I don’t ever want to forget you, but it’s not just you I don’t want to forget, Ness.  It’s everything I am with you. It’s who I’ve grown into. It’s who we are together, how I feel when you’re with me, what we accomplish as a pair.”  He shook his head, then looked into her eyes. “I don’t know if I’m saying it right. I’ve tried to think of exactly how I wanted to say this a million times, and I’ve written it out literally twelve times now, and I still keep changing it…”

 

Her hand was on his cheek.  “I thought I was supposed to ask.”

 

He smiled, then leaned to the side and kissed her fingers.  “I love you more than I knew was possible, and I want to spend the rest of my life continuing to love you.  Marry me, Ness? You and Max and me? A family, legally, for good?”

 

“Yes,” she told him, catching his face in both of her hands.  “I will marry you whenever and wherever you want. Yes, yes yes.  I love you, Rafael, and I cannot wait to call you my husband.”

 

He leaned in and kissed her softly, and he felt her thumb wipe the tear from under his eye.

 

Reaching in to his jacket pocket, he laughed nervously again.  “I do have a ring. I forgot to pull it out.” He opened the box and held it out to her.  “It was Abuelita’s...if it’s not what you want, or you want to change the setting…”

 

“I don’t want to change a thing.”  Vanessa stroked his face. “Not a thing.”  

 

She held out her hand and he slid the ring on her left ring finger.  “It fits.” She sounded surprised.

 

“Yeah.  I had it sized in the hopes you’d say yes.”

 

“Well, Mr. Barba,” she replied, raising an eyebrow, “looks like it really is your lucky day.”

 

**************************************************

If she had worried about him ripping her dress, she needn’t have.

 

Rafael seemed determined to take his own sweet time with her.  The music on his playlist had come on shortly after they had made their way into the cabin, and he had lit the fireplace.  She had barely taken her shoes and earrings off before he had come up behind her, jacket off, hands around her waist.

 

“I love you, sweetheart,” he had murmured softly in her ear, and she had felt shivers run down her spine.

 

He had stood patiently as she had removed his layers; his tie, shirt, and slacks were now carefully laid out on the extra chair in the room.  He had caught her hands in his then, kissing her gently before delicately slipping the straps of her dress off her shoulders. 

 

They had both stood still as the dress slipped to the floor.

 

He had moved in to kiss her deeply, hands on her face, her throat, her shoulders, stroking warm skin as his tongue ran over hers, and she desperately pulled at his undershirt until he removed it.

 

His hands wandered to her breasts, cupping and kneading until they abruptly stopped.

 

His mouth was still against hers when he said, “What is this?  I’m not sure what to do here.”

 

And she remembered the tape on her breasts.

 

Pulling away from him momentarily, she shook her head.  “Don’t even ask,” she grumbled, as she pulled the tape off far more slowly than she had the patience for at the moment.

 

She heard him fighting a cackle.  “Did you  _ tape  _ your breasts up?” he asked, running a finger over a nipple.  “You did that for me?”

 

“No,” she replied with as much indignance as she could muster, “I did it for the dress.”

 

He erupted in a fit of laughter, and pressed his eyes into her shoulder.  His body was shaking.

 

“Har har, Rafa.  Be happy I’m not taping YOUR boobs with it!”

 

Sniffling his tears from the laugh he’d just had, he replied, “Hey, if it makes it better, I’m willing to take one for the team.  Tape ‘em up if it makes you feel better. I can’t believe you did that. I can honestly say nobody in my life has ever given a shit enough to tape their body parts anywhere for me.”

 

She tweaked his nipple.  “You should be more appreciative then.”

 

“Oh, I am,” he told her, and she could tell he was about to burst into a fit of laughter again.  “If you’re willing to tape your boobs for my birthday, I can’t WAIT to see what you’ll tape for the wedding night!”

 

“You dork!” she laughed with him.  “Next time it’s your balls!” 

 

Laughing, he pulled her down to the bed on top of him and kissed her fully, completely, until the kiss turned from funny to tender to passionate, and he wanted nothing more than to breathe with her.

 

One hand tangled in her hair as the other made its way stroking over the shape of her ass to her hip, easing her panties down.  She helped him, then pulled her mouth away so she could sit up and pull off his boxer briefs.

 

He watched her, determination and something else reading clearly on her face.  Something deep and passionate and personal. Her love for him.

 

They were naked now, and she was kissing her way across his thighs, then over his scrotum and his cock, tasting and fondling and gently sucking.  His fingers played in her hair. “I love you, honey,” he murmured, and her mouth slowly made its way over his belly, then his chest. His fingers slipped inside her as she straddled him, kissing his neck and his jaw.  “So wet. So soft. I love you, Ness. Wanna love you.”

 

Her eyes met his and they kissed, eyes open, watching one another as he felt her hand wrap gently around his erection and fondle him.  His fingers were stroking inside of her, his thumb circling her clit, and neither of them moved otherwise. They were still, tasting one another, touching one another, watching the other’s reactions.  For not the first time, he knew she was seeing things he’d never allowed another person to see, and he trusted her implicitly.

 

He gently thrust two fingers inside of her and watched as her eyelids drooped for a moment.  “Want you, Rafa.” Her words were soft, and he had never wanted her more than he did right now.  She leaned to the side and gently pulled him on top of her, and he withdrew his fingers as she let go of his cock.  Her body wrapped itself around his warmly and willingly, and he wondered if she got as lost in him as he was about to get in her.

 

And then he was enveloped in her, and her legs were wrapped around him, and she was murmuring softly and beautifully in his ear, things about how he made everything better, how he was an amazing, good man, how much she loved him, and he was once again humbled by how fully and completely she loved.

 

How fully and completely she loved  _ him _ .

 

She could hear his breathing increase, hear his gasping turning into soft pants as he whispered how much he needed her, how he loved her, how he would never want anyone else.  And his words began to morph into spanish as he thrust more powerfully. She clutched him when his hand slipped between them and his thumb began circling her. She chanted his name, one hand on his hip and the other his shoulder as she came hard, arching up against him. 

 

“Mi alma.  Mi vida. Mi esposa.”  She felt him thrust deeply, heard his soft groan, felt his release inside of her, and a moment later his body was against hers.  “Te amo, hermosa. Te amo, Nessie. Te amo.”

 

“I love you, Rafael.  Happy birthday.”

 

***********************************************

He knocked his hip into hers inconspicuously.  “How many more apartments are we doing?”

 

Vanessa peered into the candy bag Rafael was carrying.  “I think we should have stopped about twenty apartments ago.”

 

Max was currently jumping over cracks in the sidewalk with Jesse Rollins while Noah Benson looked on, unimpressed.  “Hey guys, I could do that when I was three.” Noah straightened his police officer hat on his head.

 

“I’m three!” Max announced, shoving his dino head back on top of his hair.

 

“Me too!  I’m fwee!” Jesse jumped gleefully, straightening her cowgirl hat.  “I just got to be fwee! Fwee is awesome, wight, Max?”

 

“Yep!  You’re wight!”  Max took her hand and they jumped once more.  Vanessa and Rafael watched them silently, then looked at each other.

 

“I’m tired,” she said, and he nodded.  

 

“I think bedtime was about two hours ago.  Should we get this party crowd home?”

 

“Hey.”  Rollins handed Vanessa a cup of coffee.  “Thanks for keeping an eye on her for a minute.  Are we doing any more or are we done?”

 

“Well,” Rafael poked through Max’s bag for a second.  “We’ve got lots of Reese’s and some Snicker’s and Milky Ways.  I think we’ve got enough to make it through the weekend.”

 

Rollins nodded.  “Excellent. Then I’m gonna take these two and head home.”  She watched as Jesse, Max, and Noah now spun in circles for several seconds before stopping and nearly falling on each other, laughing.  “Liv is gonna owe me big for this one.”

 

Vanessa glanced at Rafael.  “Maybe her date with Tucker will be worth it.”

 

“Right.  I’m wondering exactly what it’s worth...a get out of IAB trouble free card?”  Rollins rolled her eyes.

 

Vanessa shrugged.  “Maybe it’s worth an orgasm.”

 

“Vanessa!”  Barba looked at her, horrified, while Rollins bit her lip to keep from laughing.  Vanessa watched the kids behind them, spinning again. Max sat down and burped.

 

“Okay, okay, sorry I offended sensitive ears,” she said, rubbing his ear under his pirate hat.  “Let’s get our kid and go.” She grinned at Amanda. “Bye!” They wrangled Max up from the sidewalk and headed upstairs to their apartment.  Before they made it to the elevator, Max was pulling at Rafael.

 

“Wafa, up?” he asked sleepily, and Rafael picked him up to carry him the rest of the way.

 

“I’ll get him in his pj’s,” he said, heading toward Max’s room.

 

“Momma?  How many candies tonight?”  Rafael had stopped in the middle of the hallway and Max was looking at her sleepily.

 

“Sleep now, sweetie,” she said, kissing his cheek.  “You can have two tomorrow.”

 

“Thanks,” he murmured into Rafael’s shoulder.  “You’re the bestest momma. And Wafa, you’re the bestest Wafa too.”

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, bud,” Rafael chuckled, before easing Max down to the floor and helping him get ready for bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're a Tuckson fan, sorry not sorry. I'm clearly not.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, and your kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hmm.” He was twisting his coffee cup, a nervous tell. “So, you said you wanted to tell me something…”
> 
> “Yeah, I did.” Reaching up, she pulled the gold chain she was wearing out from where it was tucked inside her blouse. Catching the ring in between her fingers, she held it up. “Rafael proposed. I told him yes. We haven’t set a date, and we haven’t even really talked about what we want to do, but I felt you needed to know. We’re planning to tell Max when he’s over next time.”

“Thanks for meeting me.”  Vanessa sank down into a chair across from Bobby, who was sipping on a cup of coffee.  He’d already ordered her a latte and she automatically felt appreciative.

 

He smiled.  “No problem.  I take it you and Rafael survived Halloween?  Max said he had fun.”

 

“Oh, he did.  He and Jesse and Noah had all three of us in stitches most of the night--Amanda Rollins kept saying how her mother’s promise of ‘one just like her’ was coming true.”

 

Bobby chuckled.  “I think most of us can identify with that at some point...although I think your traits probably save us both from going insane some days.”

 

She smiled back and then sipped her latte.  “You’re kind to say so.”

 

“Hmm.”  He was twisting his coffee cup, a nervous tell.  “So, you said you wanted to tell me something…”

 

“Yeah, I did.”  Reaching up, she pulled the gold chain she was wearing out from where it was tucked inside her blouse.  Catching the ring in between her fingers, she held it up. “Rafael proposed. I told him yes. We haven’t set a date, and we haven’t even really talked about what we want to do, but I felt you needed to know.  We’re planning to tell Max when he’s over next time.”

 

He reached a hand out and she pulled the necklace off and handed it to him.  He carefully inspected the ring, and a soft smile played on his lips. “Pretty,” he remarked.  “Vintage. He’s Cuban, right? It’s a nice setting and probably was done by a Cuban artist.” He handed it back to her.  “You’re happy and I’m glad. You both deserve it.”

 

“It was his grandmother’s,” she told him, putting the necklace back on.  “I think it’s beautiful. He said he’d change it for me if I wanted, but there’s no way...it’s part of who he is, where he came from.”  Suddenly feeling as if she had said too much, she averted her eyes and prayed for the flush in her cheeks to disappear. “Anyway.”

 

“Anyway.”  He took another sip of his coffee.  “I’m glad you suggested we get together, because there’s something I need to tell you, too.”

 

“Oh yeah?” she asked, curious but relieved.  She hadn’t been sure how he would take her engagement.  She was just glad her news had been well-received.

 

“Yeah.”  He was watching his coffee cup as he turned it on the table again, then finally met her eyes.  “Sally and I are--uh, we’re not together anymore.”

 

“No?”  She knew her surprise was showing, heard it in her own voice.

 

“No.”  He shook his head.  “I just...she was--is--young, she wants to be young, and I can’t fault her for that.  You know, she’s about to graduate with her master’s, and there’s a whole world out there.  I mean, when I was twenty five I was somewhere in Korea, right?” He sipped his coffee. “You were right...we weren’t a good fit.”

 

“I don’t think that was what I said--”

 

He smiled, recalling that day in the park.  “You said I had a thing for younger women, and the insinuation it wasn’t a positive was pretty clear.”

 

“In all fairness, Bobby,” she replied defensively, “I’m thirty-nine.  You’re fifty. Sally is twenty-what?”

 

“Twenty-five.”  He stared at his coffee cup.  “How old is Rafael?”

 

“He just turned forty-three.”

 

“Hmm.  And you think the problem was I was too old for you?”

 

“No.”  She shook her head gently, then reached for his hand.  “The problem was we both had problems and they compounded each other.  Neither of us was in a place where we had any business being in a relationship.  I was working through trauma and you were living through it. It was a bad mix.” Squeezing his hand, she continued.  “On the flip side, though, you helped me feel safe again at a time in my life I didn’t know I would ever get that back.  I tried to help ground you when you were going through everything with your mother--”

 

Now he shook his head.  “An impossible task.”

 

“Maybe...but Max happened...and everything after.  And if I’m honest, as much as I wanted to kick your ass, you’ve been an amazing dad since the day you came back.  I don’t know what happened, what your Come to Jesus moment was, but I’m so thankful my son has his father.”

 

Bobby raised an eyebrow.  “Even with Rafael around? He seems like he could do the job. Maybe better than me,” he added, and his eyes fell to the table again.

 

“He could do a great job being a father.  An excellent job. And maybe one day, with another child, he will.  But Max is yours. You are not replaceable. You are half of who he is, Bobby.  You are not inconsequential here.”

 

She watched as he pulled his hand back and sat up straight in his chair, examining the tablecloth for a moment, and she knew the sudden glassiness in his eyes wasn’t by coincidence.

 

“Thank you for saying that.”  His voice was gruff. “Sometimes I need to hear it.”

 

She nodded.  “Yeah, I understand.  When you come home and have been replaced with a newer, younger, prettier version of yourself--”

 

His eyes met hers, clear and confident.  “She’s not you, Ness. She never was.”

 

Turning her own coffee cup, she said, “Well.  Sometimes I need to hear that too.”

 

********************************************

Taking one more glance in the mirror, Rafael tucked his crucifix inside of his henley.  It didn’t really matter if it was showing, he didn’t think, but he wasn’t sure and it seemed wise to play it safe.  

 

Turning around, he asked her, “Inviting enough?  I don’t want to be too intimidating.”

 

She looked up from the file she was writing in.  “You look great.” She smiled and motioned to him, and he moved closer and sat on the edge of the bed.  “She’s met you three times now. I think it will be okay. You don’t look like her dad, and she knows you’re a good friend of mine.  Just remember not to--”

 

“I know,” he interrupted, nervously rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, “don’t touch her head or shoulders.  I won’t touch her.”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “Hey. I know kids make you nervous, but she’s doing a lot better.  She talked with you the last time we were there together, and she knows you’re coming alone.  Just keep the door open--”

 

“--and stay where she can see me.  I know.” He stood up, then paced restlessly for a moment.

 

“I could come with, if you need me to.  Max could have a short play date with Noah?”

 

He shook his head.  “No. As much as I’d love for you to bail me out of this one, at some point I’ve got to be able to talk to this kid.  She has selective mutism. If she can speak to me, clearly I can speak to her.”

 

Vanessa stood up and approached him.  “Hey, I’m proud of you. This is a tough case.”

 

He snorted slightly.  “And no pressure from the powers that be.”

 

“Oh, fuck them.  It’s not supposed to be about them anyway.”  She leaned over and kissed him gently. “If we’re not here when you get home, we’ve gone to the park to meet Bobby.”

 

Tucking her hair behind her ear, he nodded once.  “Got it. See you in awhile.”

 

“You bet.”

 

*********************************************

Rafael stood at the window looking into Lola Donaghue’s room for several minutes.

 

In the past few weeks, Lola had continued to make impressive progress in healing.  She was now able to get out of her bed for short amounts of time, and her therapists frequently had her doing small tasks at a table in the room.  The last time he had visited with Vanessa, a few days before this, Lola had been weaving a bracelet. “It’s gonna be for you, Nessa,” she had fondly told her.  Somewhere in the last few weeks Lola had dropped the formality of “Doctor Vanessa”. She had heard Rafael call Vanessa “Nessa” and had adopted the nickname herself.  

Today, Lola was seated at the table next to a therapist, working on what looked to be a painting.  He remembered how focused on art Vanessa had told him that she was, and he made a mental note to use that information if he needed it when building rapport.

 

He watched carefully as Lola took her time with her painting.  She appeared to be thoughtful and precise in her approach to her color choice and design.  Her motor control was improving, but Vanessa had noted it wasn’t nearly as strong as it had been before the stabbing.  The nurses had reported that conversations with Lola were an iffy proposition; she was still very particular in whom she spoke to and the amount of conversation she would share.  He noticed that today she appeared to respond to the therapist’s questions with short, quiet answers. Maybe he’d be lucky enough that she would speak to him today too.

 

Taking a deep breath, he entered the room as casually as he could.  Lola immediately looked up from her picture, but he couldn’t read her expression.

 

“Hi there, Lola,” he greeted her, smiling gently and taking a seat across from her at the table.  “Did you remember I was coming today?”

 

The therapist smiled at him.  “She did. We were just reviewing her schedule a few minutes ago.”  Putting her paintbrush away, the therapist turned to Lola. “I’m going to be right outside while you talk to Mr. Barba, alright?”

 

Lola looked at her and nodded, then turned to face Rafael.  

 

It hadn’t escaped him that she still hadn’t uttered a word.

 

He smiled again, determined to calm his own nervousness.  “How are you feeling today, Lola? Vanessa wanted me to give you this picture.”  He pulled out a folded piece of paper from his pocket. Vanessa had drawn a small bird on the paper.  He handed it to Lola, and she smiled.

 

“A bird,” she said softly.  “I like birds.”

 

“I do too,” he told her.  “What are you painting today?”

 

She looked from him to her picture, then rested her paintbrush in the water.  “An iris. Purple. My momma had purple irises in her garden.”

 

“It’s very pretty.”  He crossed his arms on the table and leaned forward slightly.  “Lola, do you remember what my job is? To make sure people who hurt other people have consequences.”

 

She nodded.  “You’re gonna put my dad in jail.”

 

He wasn’t sure how to respond, so he gave a quick nod.  “Well, we might. Your dad really hurt you.”

 

“With the knife. “  She began to run her finger around the edge of the table slowly, back and forth, and her eyes focused on what she was doing.  He could sense this conversation was already difficult for her. It was hard enough to have these conversations with adults; he wasn’t sure what he was expecting from a nine-year old child.

 

“Yes, with the knife.  I want to make sure that your dad can’t ever hurt anyone like this again.  To do that, you might need to tell some other people what happened. Do you think you can do that?  I will be there, and so will Vanessa. Lieutenant Benson and Detective Rollins will be there too, and Jason and your therapist at Belle Isle.”

 

She looked thoughtfully at him, and for the first time he saw her eyes in a light that didn’t reflect fear.  They were crystal blue, and for a hot second they reminded him of Carisi. “That’s a lotta people, Mr. Barba.”

 

He laughed a little.  “Yes, I guess it is. But we all care about you, and we want you to feel safe when you talk about what happened.”

 

As quickly as the confidence had shown, it vanished, and her face turned anxious.  “Will they have their guns? Livvy and ‘Manda and them? And Nessa?”

 

He nodded.  “Yes, but only the police are allowed to have guns in court.  Not your dad or anyone else.”

 

“Not you?”

 

“No.  I don’t have a gun.”

 

Her finger returned to the edge of the table, tracing its line.  After a long moment, she said, “Okay then. I can try.” Her eyes met his.  “If the police have their guns.”

 

He nodded.  “Thank you, Lola.  I’m going to let you get back to your art now.”  He stood and pushed his chair in, nodding to the therapist outside of the window.  As she entered the room, Lola suddenly said, “Wait!”

 

He turned back, confused, but she was pulling a bracelet off of her wrist.

 

“For Nessa,” she told him, handing him the small weaving.  

 

He smiled at her.  “I’ll make sure she gets it.”

 

As he stepped out of the room, he felt the nervousness of the conversation lift, to be replaced with a heavier, more consuming weight:  putting together a case that would keep Chet Donaghue in prison for good.

 

**************************************************

 

He was in the shower, trying to rinse the day off, when she stepped in behind him.

 

“Hiya,” she greeted, wrapping her arms around him.  “You beat it in here pretty quick.”

 

He turned and kissed her.  “Sorry. Max doused me with sand during the building of that last castle.  I needed to get it off.”

 

She laughed.  “I don’t blame you there.  I fucking hate sand. It goes everywhere, sticks to everything, gets in every crease--”

 

He snickered at her then and pressed his lips to hers again.  “You wanna check my creases now?”

 

“No thanks.”  She rubbed her hands through the shampoo in his hair, sudsing it up.  “That wasn’t what I was getting at.”

 

“Hmm.”  Catching a glimpse over his shoulder, he said, “Where’s that body wash of yours?  The lavender one?”

 

“I ran out.  Sorry.” She handed him another bottle.  “Cherry almond. Will it do?”

 

“I suppose.”  Squeezing a handful of the wash out, he generously lathered her shoulders and breasts, before moving on to her stomach, hips, and lower.  “I like this one too, I think,” he commented. “Want me to do your back?”

 

“No,” she told him, reaching toward his torso.  “I want a turn to do your front.”

 

He was already lathered, but she took her time running her hands through the suds over his chest, up to his shoulders, before sliding her hands over his stomach and hips.  Squeezing some more of his body wash into her hand, she began to suds his thighs, then between them, finishing with his half-hard erection.

 

Reaching up to cup his face, she kissed him lightly.  “I love you, and I want to know all about your afternoon at the hospital.  But right now I’m trying to practice some self-care and boundaries, and I really want to focus on one thing at a time.  I just don’t want you to think I only give a fuck about fucking, because that’s not the case.”

 

Sliding his hands around to cup her ass, he murmured in her ear, “I never thought that.”

 

She grinned and nipped at his bottom lip.  “I’m so glad we’re on the same page.”

 

************************************************

He was rubbing lotion into her calves and feet.  “I really enjoy this too...more cherry almond?”

 

“Yep.  I’d tell you what it is but you’d be so unimpressed you might decide you could get a classier woman at the grocery store.”  Seeing his quizzical expression, she handed him the bottle. “Jergens. My mom used it when I was a kid. It just reminds me of her sometimes.”

 

“Hmm.”  He smelled the bottle, then squirted more into his hands to continue his massage.  “I think you just alluded to me being an elitist, but I’ll try not to be too offended.”  Finishing one calf, he regarded his work. “Very nice, if I say so myself...you’re awfully soft and smell pretty good.”

 

She cracked up.  “You sound like you just bathed an infant!”

 

“Oh hush.”  He lightly pinched her side.  “Besides, I’m better with children than one might think.”

 

“It went that well, huh?”

 

“Better than I thought it would,” he acknowledged.  “Maybe I can’t quite quit my day job and become a kindergarten teacher, but she did talk to me.  And that was the main goal.” He glanced up into her face. “We talked about the possibility of testifying in court.  I broke it down like you suggested and tried to explain it in a way she would understand...she wants you and Liv and Rollins and everybody to have your guns on you.”

 

Vanessa hummed quietly.  “Do you blame her?”

 

He shook his head.  “If I’m honest, I just don’t know if I should even risk calling her.  But if I don’t, I’ll lose a valuable witness for her mother’s murder...if we can prove it was a murder.”  Sliding his finger over her wrist, he suddenly noticed the bracelet. “Hey! You’re wearing it...and it survived the shower!”

 

She grinned at him.  “Impressive, I know. That was a shower for the ages.”

 

“Well, it was time to try it in some new places.  We’re both still standing. That reminds me,” he said as he got up and left the room for a minute.  She wondered where he went until he showed back up a minute later with a couple glasses of water and some ibuprofen.  “Preventive measures,” he nodded, and she chuckled.

 

“Jesus, we’re old.”  She popped the pills into her mouth and swallowed.

 

“Maybe so,” he noted, doing the same, “but you fuck me like that in the shower and I’ll pop whatever I have to.  Simple cost-benefit analysis. And that analysis isn’t even a challenging one.”

 

“For me either,” she told him, and pulled him closer for a kiss.  “Not a bit.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rafael,” she said quietly, “we do the best we can. This is a hard and complex case. You did the right thing and reopened an investigation that had more questions than answers. But we both are savvy enough to know that doesn’t always mean the system works.” She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned forward. “Lola will never go back to him. He will at least be off the streets for a little while--”
> 
> “He tried to kill that kid so she can’t testify about her mom. You know it and I know it. Do you know she’s still afraid of him? Still thinks he’s going to kill her.” He shook his head. “Nobody should live like that, but a little kid? Liv, she’s only nine years old.”
> 
> I know what it feels like to live like that. Vanessa and I know what it feels like.

“That one was great, Wafa!”  Max grabbed the book out of Rafael’s hand and quickly replaced it with another one.  “Here...I wanna hear  _ Where The Wild Things Are _ .”

 

“Maybe in a minute.”  Rafael glanced at Vanessa and set the book in his lap.  “Momma and I wanted to talk with you for a minute.”

 

“Okay.  What are we gonna talk about?”  Max moved the book from Rafael’s lap and replaced it with his body, snuggling close to Rafael’s chest as he looked expectantly at his mom.

 

“Well, I have something I wanted to tell you about,” she began.  She and Rafael had discussed this half a dozen times over the last couple of weeks, wondering if they were telling Max too soon about their engagement, or if it would be confusing.  “You know how Rafa and I really love each other a lot, right?”

 

“Uh huh,” Max nodded his head.  “And me. You love me too, like so, so much...wight, Momma?”

 

She smiled and was relieved to see Rafael hiding his own grin.  Once again, she was reminded how thankful she was that Rafael understood that when you’re three, it’s all about you.  “Yes, very much, baby. We all love each other. But sometimes when two grownups really love each other, they decide to get married--”

 

“Like Javy’s dads!  They came to school!  They got married and he gotted to hold the wings and wear a fancy tie like Wafa wears and then they all eated lots of cake and food and he said it was a party!”  Looking from Vanessa to Rafael, Max asked, “Are you gonna have a party? With cake?”

 

Rafael nodded.  “Probably, amigo.  It’ll depend on what your mom and I decide we want.  People can do different things at weddings, but the most important part is they make a promise to each other to love and care for each other.”

 

Max began to climb over to Vanessa, and she picked him up and pulled him into her lap.  “It’s a special promise called a vow. And it means I promise to love Rafael forever, and he promises to love me forever.  And then he will be my husband, and I will be his wife.” She held out her left hand. “See my pretty ring? Rafael gave that to me when he asked me to marry him.  It’s a special ring to remind us how much we love each other, and that we are getting married.”

 

Max looked at her ring carefully.  “Oh.” Turning to Rafael, he asked, “Are you gonna love me forever too?”

  
  


Rafael glanced at Vanessa, and then he held out his arms for Max.  “Come here, buddy.”

 

Max climbed into his lap again, twisting a couple of his stubby fingers between the buttons of Rafael’s shirt, as he was prone to do when he was tired.  “Yes, Max. When Momma and I get married, I am promising to love both of you forever and ever. I’m promising that I will do my very best to love and care for both of you every single day.”

 

Max leaned his head back for a minute, looking into Rafael’s eyes.  “That’s a weally long time, Wafa.”

 

Rafael smiled gently.  “Yes it is. And I can’t wait to make that promise, because I love you and your mommy so much.”

 

Max broke into a smile then.  “We love you too so much, wight Momma?”

 

She reached over and tousled his hair.  “Right baby.”

 

“And we’re gonna have cake.  I like cake.”

 

Rafael laughed and hugged the little boy.  “Me too.”

 

“Okay, this was a very nice talk, you guys.”  Max picked up the book next to Rafael’s leg and handed it to Vanessa.  “Can we wead now?”

 

Vanessa opened to the first page.  “On the night Max wore his wolf suit…”

 

************************************

“So,” Rafael began, laying his briefcase beside the chair across from Liv’s desk before having a seat, “what do you have for me?”

 

Liv picked up a folder on her desk and handed it to him.  “Warner’s autopsy of Charlotte Donaghue. High level of opiates consistent with somebody who had an addiction and died from them.  Bruises in various stages of healing on the body. Evidence of sex before death…”

 

“Bruising or tearing?”

 

“Both.”

 

He nodded.  “Consistent with what Lola has told us.  Did she find anything else?”

 

“Maybe.  Petechial hemorrhaging in and around the eyes.”

 

“Hmm.  Consistent with strangulation or smothering?”

 

Liv nodded.  “Yes. But there’s something else.  And you’re not going to believe this, but Melinda nearly did a double take when she saw the Donaghue family picture in the file.  Apparently she worked a case several years ago with a teen girl who strongly resembled Charlotte Donaghue. She was raped and smothered, and had opiates in her system.  They thought the boyfriend did it, but never could establish enough evidence to bring charges.”

 

Rafael’s eyes shot up to examine her face.  “Donaghue?”

 

She sighed.  “We’re not sure.  The case was over fifteen years ago and we’re having trouble tracking down the file.  We’ve done a record search to see if he has a juvenile record, and there is one, but of course it’s sealed.”

 

“Well, that I can work on,” he replied, snapping the file in his hand shut.  “But I need you to find that file for the other case. Who was the victim?”

 

“A girl named Shirley Aames.  I’ve already sent Rollins and Carisi to talk with the family and the detectives who worked it, see what we can catch from the back end.  But I do need you to be aware that Corporation Counsel’s rep on this case was Pippa Cox.”

 

He sucked his breath in suddenly, feeling as though he’d been punched in the gut.  “Pippa,” he repeated slowly. “So somebody is going to need to interview her.”

 

“We can handle that initially,” Liv replied with a wave of her hand.  “You probably won’t have to get involved in any of that.”

 

Still feeling blindsided, he nodded.  “Thanks.” Standing, he said, “I’m going to make my way back over to court and see what I can do about opening a juvenile record.”

 

Liv smiled at him.  “Good luck.”

 

***************************************

 

He didn’t know how it happened, but Chet Donaghue’s attorney had beaten him to the courthouse.

 

“There has to be a leak in here!” he argued with Liv that night, as she closed the door to her office.  “How else would DeAngelo even KNOW to be there? Somebody here leaked to Donaghue. Can we not trust our own people?”  

 

He knew his voice was raised, but he was furious.  It had taken less than ten minutes for the judge to shoot down his request to open the juvenile records.  DeAngelo had argued that those records were technically supposed to have been expunged and therefore should have no bearing on any future legal proceeding, and the judge had agreed.

 

“Take a breath, Rafa.  We’re on the same side here,” she told him, moving back toward her desk.  “I know this isn’t ideal, but it was a gamble you’d be able to get it opened anyway.  It’s not like--”

 

“Like what?  Like we’d actually be able to prove this case? Or maybe I shouldn’t worry, because we can just rely on our good friend Pippa Cox to give us the information.”

 

Watching him carefully, she sat in her own chair and folded her hands, waiting for his next move.  After a moment, he sank into the chair across from her. They were quiet.

 

“He raped that little girl.  He raped and killed her mother.  He nearly killed her.” He was staring at the blotter on her desk, lost in thought, and his thumb came up to his mouth as he began to chew his fingernail absently.  “He’s got one to three for child endangerment. Do you know he’s claiming insanity on the attempted murder charge? If that happens they’ll just sit him in Bellevue for a few years once he’s done serving one to three.  Then he’s back out to do whatever he pleases to whoever is in his way. He could very well walk on the rape and murder of his wife.”

 

“Rafael,” she said quietly, “we do the best we can.  This is a hard and complex case. You did the right thing and reopened an investigation that had more questions than answers.  But we both are savvy enough to know that doesn’t always mean the system works.” She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned forward.  “Lola will never go back to him. He will at least be off the streets for a little while--”

 

“He tried to kill that kid so she can’t testify about her mom.  You know it and I know it. Do you know she’s still afraid of him?  Still thinks he’s going to kill her.” He shook his head. “Nobody should live like that, but a little kid?  Liv, she’s only nine years old.”

 

_ I know what it feels like to live like that.  Vanessa and I know what it feels like. _

 

“I know.  I get it.”  She reached across the desk and tapped her fingers near him.  “And it’s fine, it’s good for her to be your motivation. But don’t let it become your obsession, okay?”

 

His eyes met hers for a long minute, then he stood.  “I should get going,” he finally said, reaching for his briefcase.  “It’s already nine. I was supposed to read Max his story tonight.”

 

She stood too, and followed him to her door.  “Okay. See you tomorrow...text me if you need to talk.”

 

He stopped in his tracks for a second, frozen, memories of old glasses of wine and trial discussions at Forlini’s clouding his brain.  A year ago they would have been tipsy over the bar, and he would be going home with fantasies of her flitting through his brain the rest of the night.  But now, he wasn’t sure she even understood him anymore. He turned slightly and smiled as kindly as he could. “Thanks, Liv. I know you’re trying.”

 

She watched him as he headed to the elevator without another backward glance.

 

******************************************

 

It was after nine before he opened the door to the apartment.  It was blissfully quiet and he found himself somewhat guiltily relieved.  He needed some time to get the day out of his head. Toeing off his shoes and hanging his jacket on the coat rack, he headed into the kitchen and grabbed a tumbler before reaching for the scotch.

 

The first swallow burned; that burn reminded him of his life before, the one where coming home at all hours to an empty apartment was the norm.  Even now as he tossed back another long swallow of the liquid, reminders of his new life were everywhere--Max’s plate and cup drying in the sink, Vanessa’s coffee mug waiting for its morning fill by the coffeemaker, the abstract, three-year old art creations hanging on the fridge.  He took a step over to the refrigerator and examined one of the construction-paper collages more carefully. “It’s for you!” Max had announced proudly when he had given it to him a couple weeks before. “I made it all by myself!”

 

He’d never been so flattered to receive a piece of paper.

 

Tumbler in hand, he made his way to the sliding balcony door and slipped outside.  It was a chilly mid-November night, and he lowered himself into one of the chairs to watch the city.  A year ago, he’d been sitting on that porch swing listening to the ocean and wondering if he’d ever get to see these city lights again.  He’d been making coffee and running a small business, where his biggest concerns were foam or no foam. Oh, and staying alive. There was always that. 

 

Thanks to Pippa, there had been that.

 

He took another sip of the scotch.  Pippa. He had trusted her, respected her work with children and families in family law.  She had worked alongside him as a colleague for years. He still found it hard to fathom that she had been the one to fund the hit that almost killed both he and Vanessa and cost them a year away from their lives.  The thought of having to meet with her turned his stomach. 

 

Ever since Liv had told him that Pippa Cox may have information he desperately needed, he’d had recurring flashbacks of the assault.  The dead teen shooter, body rolled a few feet away. Of Vanessa’s body falling hard against his. The blood seeping through her jacket.  The blood on his hands. Her eyes, open wide and frightened. Knowing her like he did now, loving her, made the pain of those memories horrific, and he felt a rage he hadn’t felt before.  She could have been stolen from him before he even knew what he would have lost.

 

It had taken four weeks in an “undisclosed location”--FBI slang for a private hospital--for Vanessa to be able to come off the antibiotics and pain meds enough to function in witness protection unaided.  They had been holed up in some remote area somewhere, he wasn’t even sure of the state, waiting for her to heal enough they could move on. He had had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to consider what he’d been through and where he was going.  More than once they had asked, and he had considered, splitting from her to go into witness protection immediately. In the end, though, his guilt wouldn’t let him leave her.

 

The irony that without Pippa’s hit he wouldn’t be with Vanessa was not lost upon him.

 

“Hey.”  He heard the door slide open, felt her coming up behind him.  She was wrapped up in an afghan, one her grandmother had made that she had gotten from her aunt.  “Can I sit?”

 

His face relaxed and he opened his arms, and she sat down in his lap and laid her head against his chest.  He set the tumbler of scotch aside and let himself wrap his arms around her.

 

After a moment, he kissed her head and murmured, “I needed this more than you would believe.”

 

She didn’t move.  “I heard you had a rough day.  Liv texted me.”

 

He breathed out softly, and felt her wrap her arms around him.  After a moment, he replied, “Do we have to talk about it?”

 

“Nope.  Not now.”

 

He sighed heavily.  “Good. Good.”

 

After long moments, she looked up at him.  “Tell me how I can help.”

 

He shook his head.  “I don’t know that you can...I can’t even tell you about it.  I have to call you as a witness for Lola’s attack.”

 

She nodded, then pressed her lips to his softly, and he closed his eyes, letting himself get lost in the kiss.  He’d never felt so confident in someone else’s love for him before. “You see me,” he mumbled softly, slightly tipsy, craving her touch.  “You see me and you still love me.”

 

Her lips were softly moving against the side of his face.  “Always,” she murmured back in his ear. “I love you. Let me help.”  Her lips traveled slowly down the side of his face to his jaw, and he felt her hands begin to ghost over the crotch of his suit pants.  He stiffened almost immediately, and let his head rest against the back of the chair more comfortably.

 

She was sucking on his jawline, firm enough to be pleasurable but too soft to leave a mark, and he felt her teeth gently scrape his flesh.  “Ness,” he moaned softly, and her fingers deftly unbuttoned and unzipped him before sliding one suspender off his shoulder.

 

“Just relax,” she whispered, then kissed him again, soft but deeply passionate, and he felt his eyes flutter back as her body moved off his lap to the deck of the balcony.  He could feel the afghan being adjusted around them, and then her hand was easing him out of his pants and one finger delicately ran over his slit. He sucked in his breath involuntarily.

 

And then warm, soft wetness enveloped the crown of his cock, and the sweet sucking from her mouth wiped the day from his mind.

 

“Querida,” he murmured as his hands found her hair and toyed with it, running through it slowly, enjoying the silken feel in his fingers almost as much as the feel of her mouth around him.

 

She pulled off of the head and slowly licked the sides of his shaft, listening to his soft sighs.  Her tongue ran down to his balls, gently licking, then sucking some more and she felt him shift underneath her, sinking further down in the chair to give her more access.  She licked her finger and gently massaged his perineum, and was rewarded with a soft moan.

 

“Please more.”  His voice was quiet and she knew he was still very much aware of his surroundings, on their balcony at nearly ten at night, and the thrill of it turned her on immensely.  Sucking her finger again, she eased it back and carefully inside of him until he moaned and shifted. Gently rubbing in circles, she swallowed the head of him again, this time sucking firm and quick.  Her tongue ran around his head; she pulled off completely to lap at his slit some more before taking him down again deep and sucking hard, bobbing the best that she could.

 

She felt his hips flex, heard his soft grunt.  “God, I’m--” and then he was filling her mouth with semen, and she swallowed the best she could.

 

She released him, then kissed his thigh, before tucking him back into his pants and rezipping.  Making her way back into his lap, she pulled the suspender back to his shoulder. He smiled at her with sleepy eyes.  “How are you?” he murmured, one hand softly running over her ass. “Can I return the favor?”

 

She shook her head.  “Not tonight, baby. Tonight we go in and go to bed.  Sleep off the day. We get a brand new one tomorrow.”

 

His hand moved up to her face, and for a moment she saw his chin tremble.  “I love you, you know,” he told her, cupping her cheek.

 

“I know.”  She stood up, then held out a hand for him.  “I love you too.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know what I don’t want to be responsible for?” he returned, anger catching in his voice. “A walk. Have you thought about that, Olivia? What we’re going to say to Lola if her father is found legally insane and ends up in Bellevue for a short stay? When he walks back out to threaten her life yet again?”
> 
> “Rafa--”
> 
> “Do you know what it’s like to live like that? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Not knowing for weeks or months if the next guy who walks in is the one who’s looking to finish you off? If the woman smiling at the person you love intends to slit her throat? Do you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! I love your kudos and comments, so please feel free! 
> 
> This story is going to be winding down soon. Thanks for letting me share with you!

“We’re here to make an offer.”  Mickey DeAngelo sat back in the conference table chair and crossed his legs.  “My client doesn’t want to traumatize his daughter any more than she’s already been traumatized.  It’s clear to all of us that he had a break from reality, but he’s willing to serve an appropriate sentence.”

 

Liv leaned forward in her chair, glaring at Chet Donaghue.  “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

 

Barba held up a hand to her, then turned back to DeAngelo.  “And what would you consider an appropriate sentence here? He raped and stabbed his nine year old daughter in an effort to keep her from identifying him as her mother’s killer.  I’m thinking twenty to life sounds appropriate--and we haven’t touched the rape and murder of Charlotte, yet.”

 

DeAngelo laughed.  “Please. We’re not talking about charges concerning the overdose death of Charlotte Donaghue.  You’re going to be hard pressed to prove anything, and we both know it. And as for the accusations of rape of a minor, that’s already been pled out.”  Tilting his head, DeAngelo continued. “We’re willing to plead to assault with a deadly weapon. He’ll add eight to twelve years to his sentence now, and you agree to drop everything in regard to Charlotte.”

 

Rafael could feel Liv seething with anger next to him, and tried to restrain himself from resting a hand on her forearm.  Instead he looked from one man to the other, weighing his options. The room was silent.

 

Finally, Chet Donaghue said, “Look, if we settle it at this, I’ll even give up custody of Lola.  Right now. I’ll sign whatever you want.”

 

Benson laughed out loud.  “Are you serious? You really think any court in this country is going to give you custody after what you pulled?  Do you know how long that child is going to be recovering from what you did to her?”

 

“Lieutenant.”  Barba’s voice was low, but she understood its meaning, and she stopped speaking.

 

Rafael laid his pen on top of his legal pad.  “I’m going to need some time to chat with the DA and make a decision.  You can expect a counter offer in twenty four to forty eight hours.”

 

“Fair enough.”  DeAngelo stood from the table and Donaghue, Barba, and Benson followed suit.  “We’ll be speaking in the next couple of days. But don’t wait too long, Mr. Barba.  We certainly won’t. And just keep in mind, your main witness is selectively mute, and testimony requires questions from both sides of the aisle.”

 

“Good afternoon, gentlemen,” Rafael responded, watching them leave the conference room.  Liv shut the door behind them.

 

“Please tell me you aren’t seriously considering this,” she began, voice strained.  “You know as well as anyone what that man is capable of. You’ve seen what he did to his own child.  You know what he did to his wife.”

 

“And he’s right, Liv.  He could walk away from this.”  He shook his head and leaned against the edge of the table.  “You’ve seen Lola. She’s fragile. It’s still hard as hell for her to talk with anyone about what happened to her.  If I’m lucky, I can get a few details out of her. But there’s no way in hell she’s going to answer DeAngelo’s questions.”

 

“There has to be another way, then.  Something else. The case from fifteen years ago...”  She rounded the table toward him. “Rafa, we can’t give up here.  This guy…” she shook her head. “This guy raped both his wife and daughter.  He terrorized them. We know he tried to kill one and are almost certain he did kill the other.  And he may have done it before. Do you really want to be responsible for him having such an easy ride?”

 

“You know what I don’t want to be responsible for?” he returned, anger catching in his voice.  “A walk. Have you thought about that, Olivia? What we’re going to say to Lola if her father is found legally insane and ends up in Bellevue for a short stay?  When he walks back out to threaten her life yet again?”

 

“Rafa--”

 

“Do you know what it’s like to live like that?  Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Not knowing for weeks or months if the next guy who walks in is the one who’s looking to finish you off?  If the woman smiling at the person you love intends to slit her throat? Do you?”

 

She was watching him, eyes wide, as a look of sudden comprehension spread across her face, and then her eyes closed for several seconds.  When she spoke again, her voice was soft. “Rafa,” she soothed, “as your friend, you’re too close to this. You’re losing objectivity.”

 

He was shaking, face red, and he felt his cheeks flush as his eyes began to fill with tears he tried desperately to will away.  After another minute, he sank into one of the chairs. “It feels the same,” he confessed softly, resting his head in his hands. “I know how that kid feels.  And the helplessness I felt when I realized I couldn’t protect Vanessa? Protect myself? It feels the same as now. I’m impotent here, Liv. I can’t protect Lola in the way she deserves.  But eight to twelve years buys her some respite and a chance to grow enough to protect herself.” Fiddling with his pen, he added, “And at the risk of sounding like Stone, it gives us more time to build cases on other potential charges.”

 

She sat next to him and gently rested a hand on his forearm.  “Hey. You’re one of the smartest, most moral people I know. You’re highly ethical.  If you believe, legally, the best we can do is the deal they just offered, then I think you should take it.”

 

He turned to look at her.  Her eyes were round and sincere, her expression one of kind support, and for a moment he was reminded of why he loved her, why he had wanted more.  Their connection might be strained at times, but it was still there. She trusted and respected him. He could feel it, and once again didn’t want to let her down.

 

“I’m going to talk to McCoy,” he said finally.  “And I’m sure he’ll help guide the direction we go in.”  He knew he was passing the buck to some extent, but given his compromised objectivity, he wasn’t sure that was a bad thing.

 

He could see her fighting the instinct to object, but after a moment she nodded.  “Let me know how we can best assist,” she told him. “And Rafa, I don’t just mean on the case.  You’ve been through a huge trauma, and I think sometimes you forget that, or dismiss it. Vanessa isn’t the only one who suffered.  Promise me that you’ll talk if you need to.”

 

“I’ll think about it.”  He pushed his chair out and stood.  “I promise.”

 

She stood up and pushed in her chair.  “That’s all I can ask.”

 

*****************************************

The drive to Albion Correctional Facility had given him time to think of what he needed to ask and what he needed to say.

 

He had contacted Pippa Cox’s attorney and made her aware that he was planning to visit and he would be asking for information about a past case.  A few hours later, the attorney had called him back and told him that Pippa would be expecting him that afternoon, and she had agreed to supply information as needed.  He debated calling Liv, then Sonny, but in the end decided he needed to do this alone.

 

Shown into the visiting room, he anxiously fiddled with his visitor badge.  Pippa had ultimately pled guilty to a charge of conspiracy to commit murder and received a sentence of twelve years.  Sitting in the room, surrounded by dingy gray walls, he was once again dumbfounded as to why she had chosen this, why it was more important to kill him and face prison than to move on.  He’d tried to understand a million times, but he didn’t. He couldn’t.

 

The door opened and along with an officer, Pippa entered the room.  Her long red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she was in the standard orange jumpsuit.  She wore no makeup and looked even slimmer than before. His brain was struggling to reconcile the idea that this woman, this colleague, had nearly cost him and Vanessa their lives.  

 

Her hands were cuffed, and she slid into the seat across from him.  “You came,” she said, sounding somewhat surprised. “I’d figured a long time ago I’d never see you again.”

 

He cleared his throat and opened a file containing a teenage girl’s photo, sliding it across the table to her.  “She was a victim in a case you worked about fifteen years ago. Possibly assaulted and murdered by her boyfriend?  Charles Donaghue? Does that ring any bells?”

 

Pippa picked up the photo and studied it closely.  “Yes...yes. I remember. She had a history of drug abuse--prescription pain meds, I think.  Initially they thought it was an overdose, but I was uncomfortable with it. She’d told a couple friends that he had been violent with her.  One of her friends described him backhanding her in the face at a party. And she did have bruises when she died, but she had told her parents it was from tripping and falling on some stairs at school.”

 

“How did you think she died?”

 

Pippa tapped her fingernails on the photo.  “The autopsy showed an overdose of opioids, but they also found petechial hemorrhaging.  When she was found, her face was down in the pillow and so they theorized she had smothered herself.  We couldn’t prove otherwise. We ended up charging him with assault, but that was all we could do.” She watched his brow furrow.  “Sounds familiar to your case?”

 

“Maybe.”  Reaching across the table, he went to pick up the file and her hand landed on top of his forearm.

 

“You took my family away,” she said.  “You took everything I ever had. All I ever wanted.”

 

His eyes met hers, and she looked dead inside.  He pulled back his arm. “I didn’t do that, Pippa.  Hank did. He knew what he was doing--”

 

“He had an addiction.  He sought treatment for it.  Because of how public you made this whole thing, my entire family was humiliated.  Shunned. My kids were harassed and bullied in school. I lost my job, my livelihood.  What I loved. My kids lost their father and I lost my husband. Did you ever think of that, Rafael?  Did you ever think how you would punish completely innocent people?”

 

He shook his head, holding back his own anger.  “Hank had the choice to settle things quietly and he chose not to.  That wasn’t what I wanted. I asked him several times to consider you, your children, your family...he didn’t.”

 

Leaning forward, she hissed, “I don’t believe you.  And just for the record, he has never touched a child.  This ruined our lives. My son went into a horrible depression and was suicidal at twelve.  My daughter had nightmares for months. You could have done right by us, Rafael. And you didn’t.  Building your career was more important. Tell me, how did it feel when YOU lost everything?”

 

He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.  “It hurt,” he answered honestly. “But I actually owe you a thank you.  Because of you, I spent a year in witness protection with Vanessa Rayden.  We’re engaged now. I’ve got a happier and more complete life than I’ve ever had before, and that’s truly due to you.  It helped me adjust my priorities and realize I wanted a hell of a lot more out of life than just a job as an ADA. So thank you, Pippa.  Whether it was intended or not, it’s a life lesson I don’t plan on forgetting.”

 

Picking up the file, he motioned to the officer in the corner.  “We’re done here.”

 

“We’ll never be done,” she said then, watching him head toward the exit.  “I’m gonna live in your head forever, just like you’re living in mine.”

 

He didn’t answer.  He waited for the door to unlock and then with shaky hands gave his badge back to the officer at the desk.

 

*******************************************

 

She was dreaming that they were at Lucia’s for Thanksgiving, and they were supposed to bring the turkey, but when she got to the store they didn’t have one, so they bought a big pack of fried chicken instead.  She kept eating fried chicken and telling everyone it was “finger lickin’ good”. 

 

She woke suddenly and her first realization was that her arms were cold.  The realization why followed shortly thereafter, when she realized he wasn’t wrapped around her like he usually was.  

 

Grabbing her sweats, she pulled them on under her nightshirt and wandered out of the bedroom.  As she reached the kitchen, she saw him out on the balcony again. He’d been out there more and more lately as the pressure of the Donaghue case had continued to grow.  She picked up the afghan again and went to join him.

 

“Nice place to think, huh?”  She pulled a chair next to his and curled herself up, tossing the afghan over her lap and feet.  He was in his puffer coat with a hoodie underneath and his plaid pajama pants. The dog socks Max had insisted on getting him for his birthday covered his feet, and Vanessa smiled at the fact that he was indeed wearing them.

 

He gently smiled at her.  “Yeah, something like that.  I hope I didn’t disturb you when I got up.”

 

She shook her head.  “Nah. I was just hungry for fried chicken.”  At his puzzled look, she shook her head. “Never mind.  You want to talk about it?”

 

“No.”  He sighed heavily.  “I’m going to offer a plea deal in the Donaghue case.  Eight to twelve years on the condition he serves the minimum.  He’s offered to terminate his parental rights. I can’t put that into the deal but I can certainly hold out on it if he doesn’t follow through.”  He looked down at his fingernails. “I’ve talked with McCoy and I believe, at this point, it’s the best I can do.”

 

She was studying his face.  “And you’re upset because?”

 

“Because I wanted more.”  He shoved his hands in his pockets.  “That kid is scarred forever. He’s quite likely raped and murdered two women that we know of, and Lola…”  He exhaled loudly again. “I can’t even think about what her future is going to be like.”

 

She reached over and held his hand, and her thumb traced the veins on the top of it.  “Her future is going to be so much better than it would have been before. Do you know why you’re so important here?  It’s not because of whatever time Chet Donaghue ends up serving. It’s because you have shown this little girl that there are good men out there ready to go to bat for her.  Who find her worthwhile and worthy of protection. Who believe her. Honey, everybody needs that, and you have given it to a little girl who hadn’t had it before.”

 

He watched her fingers stroking his hand.  “I saw Pippa Cox today.” Hearing her suck in her breath, he added, “It was for a past case, and she wasn’t able to give me anything really substantive.”

 

Her hand stilled on top of his for a moment, then resumed its motion.  “How did that go otherwise?”

 

He shook his head.  “I think she’s unstable.”

 

Vanessa barked a laugh.  “Well, all things considered, yes.”

 

“I thanked her.  I thanked her because without her I wouldn’t have this.”  He suddenly flipped his hand and squeezed hers with it. “Life is fucking ridiculous.”  Looking at her, he asked “Are you sure you’re not mad about this?”

 

She shook her head.  “Babe, my emotions should have nothing to do with it.  You’re doing your job. And you’re good at it. I trust you and so does everyone else, and no matter what happens, this is not a loss.”

 

“There’s at least one rape and murder you don’t know about.”

 

“I’m sure there’s more.”

 

“Probably.”  He laughed suddenly, pained.  “Some days I wish I was a coffee roaster again.”

 

“To be honest,” she replied, “some days I do too.”

 

********************************************

They were in Lola’s hospital room, working at the table.  Lola was painting large flowers while Vanessa encouraged and Rafael fiddled with some crayons.

“So Lola,” Rafael began, “we actually came by to talk to you about something.”

 

“Court?” she asked, and dabbed her paintbrush into the blue paint.

 

“Yes.”  He put down the crayon he was holding.  “We have been talking, and we think we have worked out a plan for your dad so he won’t be able to hurt anyone for a very long time.  If our plan works, he will spend at least eight years in prison, and he is going to sign a paper saying that he agrees not to be your dad any more, so you would never have to see him again if you didn’t want to.  You also won’t have to go to court and talk to anyone. How does that sound?”

 

Lola nodded.  “I don’t like to talk to lots of people.”  She added some blue to her picture. “Can he get away at the prison?”

 

“You mean escape?” Vanessa asked.  “No.”

 

“So he can’t come get me?”

 

Rafael shook his head.  “No, he can’t.”

 

“If I talk to the people at the court, what will happen?”

 

Meeting Vanessa’s eyes, he said, “Well, we’re not sure.  He could go to prison for longer, or he could go to prison for less time, or he might not go to prison at all.”

 

Lola laid her paintbrush down.  “I like your plan better.” She ran her finger along the table edge again.  “Did he say he don’t wanna be my dad anymore?”

 

“I think,” Vanessa interjected, “that everyone wants to make sure you’re safe, and making sure he isn’t your dad anymore means that we can keep you safer.  It means he can’t make you live with him, and you won’t have to visit with him again, ever.”

 

“Okay.”  Lola’s voice was quietly and sadly accepting, and she sniffled a tear.

 

“What’s wrong, honey?” Rafael asked, handing her a tissue.

 

“Nothing,” Lola said, rubbing her eyes.  “‘Cept now I really don’t got nobody to love me.”

 

Before Vanessa could speak, Rafael laid his hand next to Lola’s on the table.  “That’s not true. Lots of people love you. Remember all the people we talked about going to court with you?  They all love you. We all want to make sure you are safe and happy and cared for.” He hesitated. “When I was a little boy, my dad hurt me too.  Not as bad as your dad hurt you, but I felt like he didn’t really love me or want me. Do you know what I learned after a long time? That I can pick people to be my family.  Like Vanessa, she’s my best friend and she’s part of my family. The people I work with, and love, and trust, they’re part of my family. The cool part of a family like that is you get to pick who you want.”

 

Lola looked back and forth between Rafael and Vanessa.  “So you guys can be my family too?”

 

Vanessa nodded.  “Yes, we can.”

 

The little girl nodded, then turned back to her painting.  “I think I might like our family.”

 

************************************************

“I thought you said you weren’t ready to quit and become a kindergarten teacher,” she teased him as they were leaving the hospital.

 

“Eh.  All my skills get better with age, like a fine wine.  Or a good scotch.” He winked at her, and she could see something in him that had been missing for awhile.  He was proud of himself, the way he had worked with Lola. It looked good on him, and she squeezed his hand as they made their way out to the street.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donaghue faces his day in court, Lola thinks about her future, and Vanessa receives some surprising news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this fic is finally winding down! There will be a part three coming in the near future, so stay tuned.
> 
> Questions, comments, kudos? I love any feedback I get! Thanks again for reading!

Nervously, she sat down and opened the box.  After reviewing the instructions, Vanessa peed on the stick and set it on the counter by the sink, then set her alarm for two minutes.

 

It had been a long time since she’d had a scare like this.  Once before with Rafael, while they were still in North Carolina, that she had never told him about.  She had bought the test, taken it, and it was negative. She had thrown it out in the dumpster at work, worried it would seriously freak him out if he knew.  That had been last November, before they even had said they loved each other.

 

She was a week late, and that wasn’t very unusual.  She had been irregular for several years. When they first began having sex, Rafael had been more watchful of her cycles, concerned himself about her becoming pregnant, until she had explained to him that she was irregular and not to worry so much about it.  She’d always been that way and her birth control made it more pronounced, so she didn’t really think much about it, until she began starting each morning with her head in the toilet. Fortunately, he’d been so distracted by work he hadn’t really noticed, and she hadn’t mentioned it to him.  Now, though…

 

She wondered what he would say.  They had talked about this, having a baby together, and the idea was enthralling. She imagined a round, chubby baby with dark hair and green eyes, one who looked just like him when he smiled.  A baby with someone she loved more than she could verbalize. And they had wanted to get married first, settle into their married life and then try.

 

The truth was, though, they really didn’t have all the time in the world for this particular task.  She would be turning forty this year. Max had been a difficult pregnancy and she had been in a high risk category then.  She knew each year her chances of a healthy, viable pregnancy were diminishing. 

 

The alarm on her phone went off, and she closed her eyes and exhaled.  She reached over and picked up the stick from the counter.

 

It was positive.

 

************************************************

“This is the termination of parental rights.  You’ll need to read it and sign it, and then my secretary will provide a notary seal.”  Rafael handed the paper to DeAngelo, who passed it to Donaghue. 

 

Donaghue glanced at it casually.  Leaning toward DeAngelo, he asked, “Got a pen?”

 

DeAngelo handed him a pen, and Chet signed his name with a flourish.  Barba handed the paper to Carmen and she notarized it. “You just made my life a hell of a lot easier, Mr. Barba, so thank you for that.”  He capped the pen. “That kid is going to be a slut just like her mother was. She was a mistake from the get.”

 

Barba stared at him, feeling rage course through him.  “Mr. DeAngelo,” he nearly growled, “tell your client he needs to shut his mouth.”

 

“I’m guessing you’re not a father to a girl, are you?”  Chet relaxed back in the chair, smiling and crossing his arms.  “She got what she asked for, just like Charlotte did.”

 

“Chet, shut up.”  DeAngelo shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

 

“About what?  I’ve already been convicted of what we’re talking about here.  I just figure this fine gentleman here should know why.” His smile was predatory, and he continued.  “She was always on me, always climbing in my lap, always wanting me to touch her, brush her hair, rub her shoulders.  Asked me to help dry her off after the bath. If you ever have a girl, you’ll understand what I mean. Maybe they’re not all little sluts, but that one was.  I was doing her a favor. She would’ve been better off dead...back with her beloved perfect angel of a mother. At least now she’s your problem, not mine.” He stood to leave, and DeAngelo awkwardly followed him.

 

“You might want to be careful, Mr. Donaghue,” Rafael seethed out.  “I hear karma in prison can be a real bitch.”

 

The smile immediately slipped from Chet’s face and he moved toward Barba, raising his fist, but DeAngelo stepped in between them too quickly.  “Okay Chet,” he said firmly, guiding the man toward the door. “Mr. Barba, we will see you in court at one.” Both men left quickly, and Carmen stepped into the office.

 

“Are you all right?” she asked, watching them walk down the hall.  “What a sick man.”

 

“Yes.  I’m fine, thank you.”  He rounded the corner to his desk and sat down, rubbing his temples.

 

“Mr. Barba, I know I may be out of line--”

 

“I know.  He should be in for life.”

 

“Yes, but…” she paused, then continued.  “I just know you got eight to twelve and terminated his parental rights.  Mr. Stone was only able to get a year for what he did to that child.” She stopped again.  “I just think maybe you’ve done a better job here than you think you have.”

 

He looked up at her.  “Thank you for saying that, Carmen.  I really do appreciate it.”

 

She nodded.  “Of course. Oh, and Dr. Rayden called.  She asked that you get back with her when you have a minute.”

 

“Thank you.”  He watched her leave his office and close the door, and he reached into his desk for another migraine pill.

 

**************************************************

_ RB:  Carmen told me you called.  Everything okay? _

_ VR:  Yes, everything is fine.  Just thinking about you. Did he terminate? _

_ RB:  Yes. AND explained his reasoning for raping a nine-year old.  Be glad you weren’t here. _

_ VR:  Jesus, baby.  I’m sorry. Thank God he’s out of her life now. _

_ RB:  You going to make it to the allocution? _

_ VR:  I’ll be there.  You’ve done good work here, Rafa, even if you don’t feel like it right now. _

_ RB:  I need some alone time with you tonight.  Bed date? _

_ VR:  I love a good bed date.  Pizza or chinese tonight? _

_ RB:  You pick.  All I want is to be alone with you. _

_ VR:  You got it.  I’ll have pizza and you can have me. ;-) _

 

_ *************************************************** _

“I understand there has been a plea deal made here, Mr. Barba?”

 

“Yes, your honor,” Rafael replied as Judge Catelano reviewed the notes on his computer.  He could feel the eyes of the squad on him as they sat directly behind. “Mr. Donaghue is pleading guilty to assault with a deadly weapon.  The people recommend a sentence of eight to twelve years, with a mandatory sentence of eight without the possibility of parole.”

 

“Very well.  Mr. Donaghue,” Judge Catelano addressed him, “please rise.”

 

Chet stood next to his attorney at his table.  

 

“You will now describe your crime to the court.”

 

Chet sighed.  “I went to visit my daughter in the mental hospital she’s at.  Losing her mom has been hard on us, and I just wanted to see her one more time.  We all miss each other, and I just got overwhelmed that day.” He shrugged his shoulders.  “I planned to kill myself right after--either cut myself or have the cops shoot me. In my mind that day, Lola and I would both be reunited with her mother.  That’s why I stabbed her, your honor. I couldn’t stand the fact that my baby was so miserable without her mama.”

 

Barba clutched the lip of the table until he white-knuckled it.  He could hear soft gasps and discussion in the gallery, and tried to remain focused on the task at hand.

 

Judge Catelano raised one eyebrow and looked at Mickey DeAngelo.  “Mr. DeAngelo, do we have a need for a 730 here?”

 

“No, your honor,” DeAngelo replied.  “Mr. Donaghue is now completely lucid and willing to pay the price for his crime.”

 

Catelano set a focused stare on DeAngelo for a moment before looking at Rafael.  “Any questions, Mr. Barba?”

 

He shook his head.  “No. The people are satisfied with Mr. Donaghue’s allocution.”

 

Catelano’s eyes again flitted from the prosecution to the defense, and for a second Barba wondered if the deal was going to be rejected.

 

“Very well.  Mr. Donaghue, this court finds you guilty of assault with a deadly weapon and sentences you to a term of not less than eight but no more than twelve years, with a mandatory eight years to be served in a location to be determined by the Department of Corrections.  Bailiff, you can take Mr. Donaghue into custody.”

 

Donaghue turned to Barba and smiled.  Leaning across the aisle, he said, low, “Nice doing business with you.”

 

And with that he was gone.

 

****************************************

“I have to say,” Vanessa began as she took off her blouse and hung it up, “I’m very thankful that case is over.”

 

“Hey,” he interrupted, catching her wrist and nodding toward her bra.  “Let me do that.”

 

She stood still as he unclasped her and removed the garment from her body.  His eyes scanned her, and his fingers gently ran over a nipple. “You’re beautiful, honey.  I love you.”

 

She smiled, and when he leaned down to kiss her she slid her hands around his waist and cupped his ass, kneading gently.  They stood there for several moments, softly kissing, tongues exploring. He eased her hips closer to him, until they were flush and she could feel him hardening against her.  Slowly, she moved her hands to his undershirt and pulled it from inside his trousers, up, and over his head.

 

A few minutes later he was seated in the chair and she had straddled him.  He gently parted her with his fingers as she eased down on him, and for once, he was quiet while they basked in the glow of loving one another.  She took her time, rocking slowly on him, and he watched her face as their bodies moved together. Her eyes hadn’t left his, and he felt seen in every way.  Eyes still open, she kissed him tenderly. “I love you, Rafael,” she murmured quietly, and he felt he could cry from the sheer intensity of being loved by her.

 

He came before she did this time, and immediately after he climaxed, his fingers found her clit and rubbed rhythmically until she gasped, arched, and fell against him.  He wrapped his arms around her and breathed her in, and a little bit of the world seemed to right itself again.

 

Eventually they pulled apart and continued to get ready for bed.  “I’ll grab the pizza,” he told her, “and you can find something on TV, if you want.”

 

“Before you do that…” she tugged at his elbow.  “We need to talk for a minute.” Nodding to the bed, she guided him over.  He smirked at her.

 

“More already?” he teased.  “I know I’m good, but--”

 

“Oh shut up,” she laughed.  He grinned at her, and she said, “I’m pregnant.”

 

His face froze for a moment, eyes comically wide, and then he asked, “Are you sure?  How do you know? When did you find out?”

 

“Breathe, honey,” she told him, laughing nervously herself.  “Today. I tested today. It was positive.” Standing, she told him, “Wait here.”  She disappeared into the bathroom and re-emerged a moment later, test stick in hand.  “I realize I peed on it, but here.”

 

He took the stick from her and looked for himself.  A bright pink plus sign. He looked back up at her, mouth open.  After a second, he said, “We made a baby?”

 

She nodded.  “Looks that way.”

 

“We made a baby.”  He looked back onto the test.  “We made a baby.” His eyes met hers again before they scanned down to her belly, and his hand gently came to rest on it.  Incredulously, he shook his head. “I can’t believe we made a baby.” Suddenly, he looked at her. “How are you feeling about this?  Are you happy?”

 

Feeling her eyes begin to tear, she nodded.  “Very.”

 

His hands cupped her cheeks.  “I’m so madly in love with you, Vanessa.” Laughing, he kissed her tears and felt his own start.  “We’re going to have a baby.”

 

“Yes,” she nodded, laughing with him.  “Yes we are.”

********************************************

“Hi there, Lola.”  Rafael walked over to the table where Lola was seated.  “What are you working on?”

 

“I’m finishing my painting,” the little girl replied easily, and her expression was relaxed.  “Momma’s Irises. I’m gonna call it Momma’s Irises. The nurse said some paintings have names, so I’m gonna name this one.”

 

“I think that’s a great name.”  He sat down next to her. “I bet your mom would be so proud of you.”

 

Still examining her painting, Lola smiled.  “Yeah,” she said, “Momma was really proud of me.”

 

He watched her continue to paint for several minutes, and they chatted about art and her mom and Vanessa.  Finally he said, “Lola, I came by today to talk to you about your dad.”

 

“Okay.”  She continued to paint, but he saw how tightly her fingers were now grasping the brush.

 

“Do you remember how I told you we were working out a plan?  Where your dad would need to go to prison for awhile, and he also wouldn’t be your dad anymore?”

 

She nodded but didn’t look up.  He watched as her tongue peeked out from between her lips, as though she were concentrating very hard.

 

“Well, that’s exactly what happened.  We saw a judge, and the judge decided that your dad will need to stay in jail for at least eight years.  And he isn’t allowed to see you anymore. If you want to see him again, you have to wait until you’re an adult, and then you can try.  If you want to.”

 

She looked at him then.  “Are you and Nessa friends?  Or is she your girlfriend?”

 

Startled by the question, he stuttered for a moment.  “Oh! Um, actually...actually she’s my fiancee. Do you know what that is?”

 

Lola nodded.  “When you’re gonna marry someone.”

 

“Right.  But she’s also my friend.”

 

“You said she’s your best friend,” Lola recalled.  She was quiet for a moment. “Do you yell at her?”

 

His heart dropped.  “No, honey. We don’t yell at each other.  We talk our problems out.”

 

“That’s nice.”  He could see her little brow furrow, and it looked as though her eyes were welling with tears.

 

“Lola.”  He waited until she looked at him.  “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

 

“Am I gonna live at Belle Isle my whole life now?” she asked, voice quivering.

 

He shook his head and refrained from reaching over to her.  Every instinct in his body wanted to hold her, to comfort her, but he knew she wasn’t ready for physical contact with anyone.  “No, sweetie. Jason will help look for a new family you can live with, who will love you and take good care of you. You’ll be part of a family again.”

 

“You and Nessa are my family too, right?  Like you guys said.”

 

He nodded.  “Of course we are.”

 

“Then can I come live at your house?  I can be really nice and I don’t need any toys or anything.  I can help clean up. I can do lots of things to help. And I’ll be really good and follow all the rules you say all the time.”

 

“Oh Lola.”  Rafael was stunned, and felt his heart break just a little.  He tried to figure out what Vanessa would tell him to say, but his mind was blank.  “You have a long time still that you need to stay at Belle Isle. I don’t know if that would work, but no matter where you live or who you live with, Nessa and I are always going to care about you.”

 

He watched her deflate, and the guilt and sorrow he felt nearly swallowed him.

 

“Okay,” she replied, looking back at her picture.

 

“I’m sorry, Lola.  Honey, I really am.”

 

“S’okay.”  Lola started to cap her paints, then stopped and looked at him.  “I think I need a nap now.”

 

“Okay.  Do you need help?”

 

“Uh-uh.”  She stood shakily and slowly walked to the bed before lying down.

 

He stood and watched her, unsure of what to do or say now.  Finally, he stood next to the bed. “You get some rest, okay?  Nessa and I will be by to visit you again in a few days, okay?”

 

He watched her nod with closed eyes, and he turned to make his way to the door.

 

“Rafael?”

 

He swung back around.  “Yeah?”

 

“Thank you.  For keeping my dad away from me.  And for coming to see me. And for being my family.”

 

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”  He awkwardly turned toward her.  “We care about you very much.”

  
But his brain was whispering to him,  _ not enough to truly help where I’m going to need it most. _


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You deserve the best, honey. I’m just trying to give you the best.” Grinning, he licked low on her jaw before leaning in and sucking, hard. Thank God it’s winter, she thought, knowing she would have a purple mark on her shortly. She had to admit, though, that at the moment she couldn’t care less.

“Oh God...stop, stop,” she panted, and just to tease her, he sucked for one more long second, before moving off her clit and kissing his way up her body.

 

“No more?” he teased as he nipped at her clavicle.  “My jaw’s not worn out yet…”

 

She playfully slapped his bicep.  “Stop being a showoff.” She was still flushed, chest rising and falling rapidly, and he thought she was beautiful.

 

“You deserve the best, honey.  I’m just trying to give you the best.”  Grinning, he licked low on her jaw before leaning in and sucking, hard.  Thank God it’s winter, she thought, knowing she would have a purple mark on her shortly.  She had to admit, though, that at the moment she couldn’t care less. 

 

He flopped down on the pillow next to her, slightly sweaty and chin wet, and she ran her fingers through his hair.  “You’re a hot mess, you know that?”

 

“Mmhmm.”  He sat up.  “I’m going to go wash up, since apparently you’re too delicate to go for a fourth.”  He leaned over and kissed her. “Don’t have fun without me.”

 

“Hmm.  And just fyi, four without a break is unnatural.  I don’t know where your tongue has been that made you think that was a good idea, and I kind of don’t want to know, really.”

 

Chuckling, he made his way to the bathroom, and she rolled over onto her side.

 

When he came out, he slipped back under the covers again and kissed her, then settled a hand on her belly.  He had been doing that a lot in the last week, as though the baby could feel his touch. “I love you, Ness. Let me know when you’re ready for the next one.”

 

She laughed.  “Okay. Fair enough.”

 

He ran a finger over the scar on her breast, then kissed it gently.  “Something happened today at the hospital.”

 

“With Lola?”  Her hand was absentmindedly stroking his chest and softly pulling the hair there.  He didn’t know when they had developed this need to touch each other constantly, but on nights like this he wouldn’t dare complain or challenge it.  It grounded him.

 

“Yeah.  She asked me if she could live with us.”

 

Vanessa sucked in her breath, then exhaled slowly, a sound catching in her throat.  “What did you tell her?”

 

She could see the worry and concern in his eyes.  “I told her I didn’t know if that would be possible, and she still had a long time she needed to stay at Belle Isle.  That no matter where she lived, you and I would still be like her family and we would always care about her. Nessie, I didn’t know what to do, what to say.  Maybe it’s selfish, but all I kept thinking was how much care and attention Lola is going to need, and how it would steal away from our baby. I felt terrible.  I care more about what happens here than I’ve admitted to myself. I care that she gets everything she needs, and we all know she’s going to have a lot of needs that are difficult to manage.  I feel like the biggest ass on the planet right now. But I’m not a social worker or a therapist. I don’t know how to make it better for her, and the thought of trying to parent her in addition to a newborn--which we both know I know nothing about--is terrifying.”

 

She was looking at him, still stroking his chest, and when he finished talking she ran her hand through his chest hair one more time before tugging gently.  “You have every right to feel how you feel, Rafa. This is difficult. The good part, though, is that she’s bonded to you. To both of us. She trusts us and that is a near impossible task after a child’s been through what she has.  You’ve been consistent, stable, and loving, and that’s probably the first time she’s had that since her mom died.”

 

“You don’t think I’m an ass?  I mean, what kind of person sees that level of need and just turns away from it?”

 

“No.  I think you’re a realist.  As tempting as it might be for us to jump in here, you’ve brought up some really valid points.  Having a new baby--there’s no way we would be able to balance the amount of therapies and medical appointments Lola is going to have with meeting the needs of a new baby.  At least, I’m not comfortable in saying yes to that. She needs more than we can provide right now, and I think that’s a critical thing to consider. It wouldn’t only be unfair to us and the baby, but it would be unfair to Lola too.”

 

He nodded.  “All that you just said--that’s all of my concerns as well.”

 

“Well, we also have seventeen more months to decide unless somebody else adopts her first.”   Squeezing his hand, she added, “And I’ve never seen you turn away from her. Not once. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

 

“It’s a challenge.”  Suddenly feeling as though a weight had been lifted off of him, he easily moved his hand to cup her face.  “Thank you. I’ve been going back and forth on this all day.”

 

She nodded, and he moved over to kiss her again.  “I still can’t believe we’re having a baby,” he breathed, and a hand found its way to her belly again.

 

Settling her hand over his, she smiled.  “I guess eventually we were going to pay the price for the ridiculous amount of sex we’re engaging in.”

 

His lips brushed hers.  “Sorry not sorry. Ever.”

 

*******************************************

 

Max was on the floor, building with his legos while Rafael was on the couch, checking his email.

 

“Hey Wafa, wanna play with me?  You can even have the blue truck if you play.”

 

Rafael looked up and smiled at him.  “Wow, you must want me to play with you pretty badly if you’re willing to give me the blue truck.”

 

“Not give.  Shaaarrre.” He stretched the word out for emphasis.  “But you gotta give it back when we’re done.”

 

“I think I can do that.”  Rafael moved to the floor, taking the spot next to Max.  “What are we playing?”

 

“Cars.  I’m Lightning McQueen.  You’re Mater. TOE-mater.”  He ran his car quickly across the floor, and Rafael followed him just as quickly.  “No, No!” Max corrected, handing him back the truck. “Lightning is fast. You’re TOE-mater.  You’re slow. SLLLOOOW. Got it, Wafa?”

 

Rafael was biting his lip to keep from laughing.  “Yeah, I think I got it now. SLLLOOOW, huh?”

 

“Yep.”  Max began rolling his car quickly, and Rafael followed behind, making sure to go slow.  Fifteen minutes in, he silently wondered how much longer the grocery store run Vanessa was on was going to take, and why he hadn’t volunteered to do it himself.

 

A few minutes later the front door opened and she stumbled in, wet and shivering, with several bags.  “Hey guys! You have fun?”

 

“Yes!” Max exclaimed excitedly.  “We played ‘Cars’ but Wafa don’t know Mater goes slow so I teached him.”  Looking at the bags, he asked, “Did you getted my cereal I like? Like Daddy?”

 

She nodded.  “Yes, I got the cereal.”  Rafael reached over to grab the bags and take them to the kitchen, but she caught him by the collar.  “Kiss, Wafa,” she murmured, and he willingly obliged.

 

“Momma, why you always kiss Wafa?  Are you gonna kiss Daddy?”

 

Rafael’s eyes met hers and he smiled, then took the bags into the kitchen.

 

She knelt down to Max’s eye level.  “I always kiss Rafa because I love him very much and am going to marry him.  Remember?”

 

“Yeah.  But do you love Daddy?  You said you did.”

 

“I do,” she told him.  “Especially because he helped me make you.  But there are lots of different kinds of love.  Rafael’s love is the kissing kind. Daddy’s love is the hugging kind.  When you’re going to marry someone, you have the kissing kind of love. It’s kind of complicated.”

 

He scrunched up his nose.  “But you kiss me.”

 

She laughed.  “That’s because you’re my baby. Mommas tend to like to kiss their babies.  That’s a different kind too.”

 

“Oh.”  He wrapped his arms around her neck.  “I love you Momma. I love your hugs AND kisses.”

 

“I love you too, baby.  Hugs and kisses and everything.”

 

**********************************************

 

She was lying in Max’s bed, his head on her chest and his breathing steady.  “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” she sang softly as she stroked his hair.  Christmas was only a few weeks away, and they had all been doing way too much. Max was overstimulated and excited, and had trouble falling asleep the last week or so.  He had cried after he got home today because he wanted to go to the park, cried at dinner because he wanted fish sticks and they had fish, cried during his bath because he wanted the green boat and not the blue one.  Plus the water was too cold on his feet and too hot on his butt, he had told her. And she had done her best to sympathize and to hug him during each cry. Being three and overstimulated at the holidays was hard.

 

She looked up and saw Rafael standing in the doorway, watching her with a dreamy smile on his face.  “You’re such a beautiful mom,” he said softly, and she began to gently untangle herself from her son.

 

She made her way to him and kissed him, barely brushing her lips against his before reaching up to rub his neck.  “How was your evening?”

 

“It was okay.”  That wasn’t what she was expecting.  She followed him out of Max’s room and to their own bedroom.

 

“Just okay?  I thought you were going for drinks with Liv.”  She sat on the bed and watched as he undressed. He had always been meticulous about his nicer clothing, and now he was carefully hanging his suit jacket and tie in their respective places. He pulled his suspenders off, then unhooked them.  Next, he unbuttoned his shirt and unfastened his cufflinks, putting them in his jewelry box one at a time, and she finally said, “You are so incredibly sexy. I think I could watch you do this every day for the rest of my life.”

 

He turned to her and there was a sad smile on his face.  “I love you, hermosa. Thank you for always building me up.”

 

“Rafa.”  She stood, a worried expression on her face.  “What’s going on?”

 

“Believe it or not, nothing.”  He unfastened his pants, toed off his shoes, and slipped the trousers from his body.  “I just keep thinking about Lola.”

 

She nodded and said nothing.  She thought about Lola too. Most of the day, most days, when she wasn’t thinking about the baby.  

 

He pulled his socks off and tossed them into the hamper.  “This sounds selfish, but I don’t want to think about Lola this much.  I want to table this stuff and come back to it later. Revisit it in a few months.  We still have a long time to decide if we want to do anything. Right?” He rested his arms on her shoulders.

 

She loved him, loved who he was, loved who she was with him.  “I don’t think it’s selfish at all.” She ran her fingers over his arms, touching his skin.  “I want to think about our family. You and me and Max and this baby. I want to think about marrying you.  We have to figure out a way to step back here a little bit, for the good of everyone. Don’t you think?”

 

“She likely won’t be adopted.  Ever.”

 

“I know, honey.”

 

“Can we agree to revisit this every six months or so?  Just to see where we’re at?”

 

“Yes.  I think that’s a great idea.”

 

He pulled her closer then, kissed her softly.  “You help me become a better man. A better version of myself, every day.”

 

“It’s mutual,” she said, sliding a hand inside of his undershirt.  “You’re the best decision I ever made.”

 

He pressed his forehead against hers and softly sighed.  Life was always going to be ongoing. Resolutions with things wouldn’t always happen overnight.  But she helped him find comfort in that, that lack of control, and he knew that together they’d be okay, just like he always promised her.  As if she read his mind, she tangled her fingers in the hair at the back of his head, and whispered, “I love you, Rafael.”

 

“I love you, hermosa,” he whispered back, then kissed her.  “We’re going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for coming along on this ride! For anyone who is a fan of team Barden here, I will be writing a part three but I'm not sure how soon I'm going to start it. I just kind of like these two horny weirdos.
> 
> Seriously, thanks so much for reading, kudos, and comments!


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